NotYourLilGirl

Hi everyone...

So, first I have to say that I am so grateful to have found this site today. On the verge of a breakdown - thinking there was no one to turn to who would understand - here you all are. And so grateful to Google.... LOL.

Ok - I am going to spill a little of my story in the hopes that someone can give me a little advice:

My father is an abusive alcoholic. I don't know when I first knew this, but I know that my diaries from elementary school have drawings of my dad with claw-like hands and crayon scribblings of "Why is my dad so mean??? Today he called me an idiot..." . I remember at 16 keeping a record of every beer cracking open, every day, for weeks to justify the sense that I had that something wasn't normal with his drinking. I was counting (back then) a beer every 15-20 minutes usually totalling 8-10 beers a night. When I came to grips with his illness at around 18 or so, I became angry with my mom for continuing the beer runs everyday, ignoring the abuse, and turning the cheek. One day at dinner I was especially angry (my dad had a short stint of "quitting drinking" and I was never so happy. This lasted all of a few days - although time is fuzzy now. I was livid when I saw my mom make that first beer run after that "quitting period". I copped an attitude (as teens do) at the dinner table, sulking, etc. and when my father asked what the hell my problem was I simply stated in a calm voice (that I still don't know from whenst it came inside me) that I was mad he had started drinking again. He told me that if I didnt like it i could pack my bags and leave. Of course he was drunk, of course he didnt mean it, but I left. I threw as much as i could in a trash bag and left that night. I lived with my grandparents for 3 years and the rest is history....

Whew... if you are still reading (thank you!) this is what follows:

Years of my dad's abuse, phone calls while drunk, berating me, my husband, etc. and then empty apologies the next morning. This continues until 6 months or so ago when I cut him out of my life after one of his drunken phone calls. I explained to him that I couldn't have him in my or my children's lives as he stands, not wanting help or thinking he has a problem. He told me to have a nice life. Then - of course proceeds to harass me every two weeks or so - asking why I haven't called him, pretending to not know why or what happened.

I want to remain detached. It is healthy for me and my wonderful husband and kids (and better for my mental health). But my guilt is so bad because he IS a functional alcoholc.

Is it just me or does this make it harder to justify not tolerating an alcoholic's behavior - if they are a functional alchoholic???

Ok - I am sooooo sorry this was so long but I have been holding this in for 6 months!!

Thanks!