Acushla

Ok, I haven't been to an Al-Anon meeting yet but just found one I can get to I think...it's in another town, we don't have any here...but I called the lady and she helped me. It's next Monday night so I can sort it out to get there by then...

Meanwhile, I have a question...maybe those of you in Al-Anon can give me insight here...

Where does "the A is to blame, he's bad, he's wrong, his drinking is The Problem..." end and where does "the codependent spouse is a mess, is contributing, is making it worse, is bad, is wrong, her not being strong is The Problem" begin?

We had a terrible "discussion" tonight because he started drinking again (does he ever stop? NO!) and I confronted him with things he's done in his past due to drinking - messing up his kid's life, etc. - and I SHOULD NOT HAVE. I only know these things now due to his in laws telling me, my stepdaughter opening up to me...so OF COURSE he had to retalitate, why was I so stupid as to think he would LISTEN? So he starts implying he knows things about my last marriage (I'm a widow, so he is he) that point to my being an incompetent and hard-to-live with person, etc. It was awful, he made me feel really badly and I got all crying and weepy and vulnerable...so then we took a walk and hugged and made up and admitted each other has foibles...but then we come home and he unrelentingly announce he was off to the pub "machismo prerogative"...just to throw it in my face! So all our "making up" was a bunch of horse s****!

I'm so mad at myself for losing it, for saying ANYTHING, for turning it into a thing...but on the other hand I KNOW he would have gone off to the pub again tonight even if I had "behaved like a nice wifey".

Sometimes I feel I want so much to be RIGHT in this situation that I shoot myself in the foot! If I could just shut up and close the door and ALWAYS detach from him, wouldn't it be better? What is this thing in ME that has to be perfect and right and on top all the time?

Is this part of the Al-Anon experience, this finding out one is so very imperfect also? Or is this his manipulation of me so we can feel "even"...i.e. if I am a hard-to-live-with person it is fair trade for his being an alcholic? Something like that.

I am so tired of feeling like I'm not myself in this situation, that my true strengths and goodnesses are not being APPRECIATED by this man.

But, on the other hand, I feel like a worthless shrew tonight.

I feel like he put me in a corner so he could go drink again. Or I put myself there.

I guess I really need this Al-Anon meeting thing, eh?

I'm going. Next Monday night. Dammit. I NEVER go anywhere at night - I'm still learning to drive on the wrong side of the road here! But I'm going.

I think I need help really badly.

Thanks for listening.