Hello there Lolobug, that's a rough subject for us "kids".
What helps me with my guilt is to compare _my_ version of guilt with the version that is described in a dictionary.
What guilt is _supposed_ to be is a feeling of failure as a result of not having taken appropriate action to prevent a bad outcome. Once I have that defintion I work it backwards to see how it applies to me.
"A bad outcome" means that something didn't work out the way it's supposed to have worked out. What tangles _me_ up is that I give my alcoholics permission to be the ones who determine what is _supposed_ to happen. What I have learned in recovery is that it's my HP that gets to determine what is supposed to happen, not my alcoholics. My shortcoming is that I make my alcoholics the HP in my life, and I allow them to determine what is a "bad" outcome instead of a good one. When I refuse to let my alcoholics be my HP, and develop a healthy understanding of my HP, then the outcomes in life are very different.
"Appropriate action" means that the right people took the right actions. As a child in my "toxic family" I was the only adult around. The grown up were certainly not adults. If I had not taken action as a child all kinds of terrible things would have happened to my family. A lot of terrible things happened anyway, but at least I prevented some. What I learned as a child was that _I_ was the "right person" to take _all_ actions. I never learned that sometimes _I_ am not the right person to take action. What I am learning in recovery is to have the wisdom to know when I am the right person, and when I am not.
"Failure" means that the right person did _not_ take the action to prevent the bad outcome. As a child none of the grown ups ever accepted responsibility for their failures. It was always the fault of us kids. My parents would have been much happier if they hadn't stayed together thru an awful marriage, but they sacrificed themselves for the sake of the kids. Thru recovery I have learned that those kinds of "blame games" are just baloney. They did _not_ stay together for the sake of the kids, that was just the excuse. I was not to blame for their unhapiness, it was _their_ failure and they just blamed it on me. I was not the _right_ person to take action to save their marriage, _they_ were.
As an adult I still have those childhood reflexes. When something goes "wrong" in somebody's life I automatically feel that it's _my_ failure. What recovery has taught me is that the only life I am responsible for is _mine_. The only "right" outcomes are the ones the HP has decided, and the only failure I can make is the failure to work my own recovery.
Mike
p.s. here's the link to the sticky on guilt
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ing-guilt.html