Hi Lolobug,
Thanks for posting. Guilt sucks (literally...sucks the energy and brain wattage out of ya).
There is a sticky on Guilt, which is really good, what I've read of it.
One thing I do that helps me with guilt is simply acknowledging to myself that she (my mother) is a grown-up, and although she had a bad upbringing too, there comes a time when people are obligated to take responsibility for their life and choices. I've taken responsibility for mine. I can't make her take responsibility for hers.
You ask "why can't she come and see me?" Do you really want her in your home? Will she cause chaos (and thus more guilt)? Will she overstay her welcome (so that you can "reject" her and she can thus justify her resentment towards you)?
Would you rather go and visit her, being sure to make plans a few hours into your visit, so that you have an honest, viable reason for taking leave before you start feeling like that trapped little girl again?
Is meeting up in a "neutral" place an option? Halfway, so that you both have to get going before too long?
I make certain to spend as little time, on the phone, email and in person in my mother's presence as possible. I remind myself that the only reason I let my children participate in family get-togethers is for the sake of them getting to see their cousins.
I still haven't found the courage to tell her how angry it makes me to see her and Dad playing out there drama in front of my children...maybe someday....
God (or, HP) Bless,