The kids and I are leaving.....
I haven't posted in a while. Just trying to get my life back in order. I have been through hell and back and amazingly living to tell you all about it. Last week my husband through a major temper tamtrum and hit me and well we went round and round. He came home Wednesday after noon and slept most of the time he was here. Thursday came around and that afternoon I went to Wal-Mart to get a few things and when I returned the demons had taken over again and he snapped once again. Not 24 hours had passed by. I tried reasoning with him to admit himself and it made things worse. He called the sheriff out here and I had the option to involuntarily commit him but decided against it because it all dawned on me at that moment that HELL NO I can't fix this. So they took him away. I've put this ball back into his court and he has to do this himself. How come I feel like crap? I hate being a woman for this very reason. We always feel like we have to FIX everything even if it means walking on water for them.
He has called me several times and each time he calls a different personality surfaces...One is very pityful with lots of tears and the other is screaming at me for not giving in.
My mama has given me an ultimatum to come home or else....I've made the decision to go home and start over. It is breaking my heart but thats what tough love does to you. It just knowing that you can't fix the one you love the most that is the ultimate pain in my heart. I have given up hope of him getting better with me maybe he'll hit the bottom and help himself but in the meantime I'm going to help myself out of this HELL. I'm so hurt and scared but I know with my HP I can make it through this and come out a better person. I have learned from this and I'm going into everything with my eyes wide open instead of half shut. I have no intentions of being with him ever again which hurts. I have to keep my mind clear of anything good right now and focus on the pain that has been caused. If I focus on the good things he'll be back in no time at all. He must learn to love himself and help himself not for me and the kids but FOR HIMSELF. He has to make it in this world without depending on me to pick him up and dust off the dirt. Everyone must be accountable and responsible for their own actions and face the consequences.
My daddy dropped the older kids off tonight and he knows the pain that I'm going through. I can see the hurt in his eyes to see me look the way I do. I can't eat and when I do it upsets my tummy. I have cried until my eyes are just about swollen shut. I have bruises all over my body and I hurt. He asked my son to go out to the car and grab his CD case tonight. Then he put a CD into the stereo and out came my favorite song......and I got to feel like a child again dancing with her Daddy. " I hope you dance" that is our song. "When one door closes I hope one more opens".....It will because God is Good and I've been a good wife and I've been a good mother."Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter" That is a tough one....."When you come close to selling out, reconsider. Give the Heavens above more than just a passing glance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance....I hope you dance."
I'm gonna Dance this time.
Lots of love to you all,
Holly