okay....i'm going through one of my typical love-cravings. Today is better than yesterday, but I'm still on a quest for any kind of immediate satisfaction. Men suck. Besides the weight issues I think i'm a pretty good catch and yet no one's interested.
The two guys I was interested in...i've since realized there is nothing more than platonic anything. Don't guys realize that outside beauty always fades, but inner beauty grows even more so over time?
Well it's a good thing i suppose that there's no one in my life right now to lead me off of the path i'm on....which i'm not sure what path that is anymore though.
I'm sicker physically than i've been in a very long time, but luckily have a few days off of work to rest...
I haven't been sleeping much lately, which I know is keeping me from getting over the sinitus, bronchitus and whatever else I've got.
I've been scared too. When I get this junk and walk out into the cold air I feel my lungs tighten. If I die before 50...it will be b/c of my lungs and not getting enough oxygen. I know from experience that after about 20 minutes of struggling to breath...the pain starts going away and things grow calm....so I'm not as scarred of dying this way as I have been in the past, but i'm still quite scared b/c i'm playing a role in my potential death.
I'm a bit worried about my finances for next year. I set up my health insurance to take out a total of around $4,000 to re-emburse me for health expenses, but it's going to be tricky to keep up with it all and to dish out the cash for the procedures first (which is what I must do and then file to be re-embursed out of the pre-tax dollars i'm chosen to have them hold out of my checks....scary part is ...if I don't use it all by end of next year then i lose it.
My first order is to get lasik done on my eyes...something i've needed to do for a while since my eyes are about too far gone for lasik already and the longer I wait the less my chances....and b/c i'm bad about taking out my contacts at night and stuff....and as a person who uses my eyes more than anything else for my job....well this is pretty much top of my list.
Then i'm going to do my best to have some kind of gastric surgery done....either lap-banding or bi-pass. I've got to...i'm tired of being miserable in my skin and there are too many biological and chimical hings going on that I can't control.
Then....I have about $10,000 in dental work that needs to be done (including 4 more root canals and about 16 cavities) so I plan to use the rest of the withholdings to continue working on getting me teeth all healthy and shiny.
In the meantime....i'm trying to stay happy and positive, but it's been difficult. I even find myself continually drawn to job sites even though I'm pretty happy where I am now....so I don't understand that.
I should also confess that brief and flighting thoughts of suicide have danced through my head a few times these past weeks. Despite my efforts to simplify and clean-up and ritualize my life......things still continue to feel out of control and hopeless.
The back of my mind has been toying with the idea of just packing up and moving somewhere and starting over from scratch if you will.
I also miss Live not being around here from time to time.
I hope she had a good holiday with hubby.
Rose has been absent for a long while and I wonder how she's doing...and all the rest of you too who check in from time to time.
i'm SO needy right now.
A big part of me wants to be home doing nothing during this brief time off from work, but another big part of me can't pull myself away from being around my sis and nephews.
oh well....i'm sure this will have all mostly passed by next week.
Hugs,
Jenna