Welcome,
You are heading in the right direction. Being aware is the first step to moving forward. I wouldn't feel guilty about your wife passing.I can identify. But when she is gone you will still have you and that is what you need to be concerned about. What happens to your wife and when it happens isin God's hands.
About the past...it is my opinion that we need to acknowledge it and learn from it. But today's decisions need to based on today's reality. Many of us have been through horrific experiences....we can stay there or move on...one day at a time.We have a choice.
Hugs,
JT