PapaG

I get scared of asking myself this...do I want a drink? Do I really want a drink. I tell myself over and over about the things I've done drunk, the people I've hurt, the shame and guilt...and the hangovers. After reading the sticky "under the influence" earlier today - excerpts lovingly posted by Green Tea (a member of this site), I should feel better. I don't...because i cannot accept that I am ill...I don't feel ill NOW so I can't be right? Not until I'm drunk right? I just don't want to believe in the disease model of alcoholism that is the foundation of AA. I don't want to sit in meetings full of half-destroyed drunks and admit to being one. So I don't. BUT...something is wrong, clearly. At least it should be clear after years and years of experiences with alcohol that were always a little worse than my friends' .....worse than most people I know who drink, even the heavy drinkers.

In spite of all this I hate to use the label alcoholic..perhaps it's because society has not yet accepted alcoholism as anything other than a weakness...at least a great proportion of society. I am sour about all this. I am torn between going to a meeting (knowing it's not for me), reading the alternatives (Stanton Peele's books for example) and today's reading of these "under the influence" excerpts and still finding myself wanting to imbibe something at the end of it all. I am confused...as ever...and unable to accept...as ever that I am an A______C !

I see myself as a complex (we all are) human being who for whatever reason, be it social, inherent or whatever , has a problem with alcohol...a BIG problem.

After all the things I've done, all the people that have seen my suffering and have suffered as a result of my problem, after every hangover (which worsen as I age as do my physical barriers against alcohol) after the great loss financially..........

I still think that maybe it will be different if I change my outlook on life, maybe I'll be able to drink normally if I can deal with my tendencies toward depression and anxiety...maybe just maybe...but not until....


THAT IS THE CONSTANT DANGER. Maybe I haven't done this **** to myself enough times to have learned my lessons. What a great excuse to go outr and get blitzed. But I know I can't/shouldn't.


Thanks for letting me share that.


PEACE,

Kevin