Do you suppose, while you were the 'me', the watcher, you were actually still part of the group? Just with a different role in terms of contribution and benefactor?
Yes, to some extent I would still be part of the group - in the most basic terms you can't NOT be part of a group of dogs, regardless of my attitude I would still fall within a certain place. As a young child I wasn't top of the pecking order, relatively high but not top, two members of the dog group could and did boss me, that authority would remain with them regradless of my own thoughts. I would also still keep their protection regardless of my attitude at the time.
With people I think much of the same is true, the adults that had authority still had it whether I took part or not, the protection of me as 'Ruthy' would remain even while I pondered whatever I was pondering. My place and role would be constant too in that if there had been an accident or even a small interaction my solitary 'me' would take second place and I would act as a group member.
BUT - watching was a conscious choice, a highly individual activity that I was very aware of. My school reports of that time note me having friends but often being content in my own company - the observation (I found them a month or so ago!!) was that I readily mixed but was just as happy for long periods alone. I wasn't passive, I actively chose my belonging and my time alone.
My withdrawal from family life was absolutely conscious, it still hurt me, I wasn't detached emotionally but I was in terms of teaching, I CHOSE not to learn from them - actually that's not true, it was more like this: I learned that their way harmed them, I learned not to follow it, I thought they had sent my brother mad and he stayed in the family, hence I stayed in myself - so I suppose I did learn alot. My understanding of life was my own job, I was very conscious of that and in turn that motivated the majority of my curiosity from the guts of a rat, to time, and just watching. I'd look at things over and over with no clear structure, given enough time structure emerged from them, like the sense of food passing through a body, not knowing how it worked but knowing the heart was a pump. I would sit and watch people the same way and patterns emerged, rythyms of humour, curtessies (sp??), responses to a painful story, the way people treated those same people outside the cafe.
So the answer to your question is yes and no - I have an affection for anything that turns out to be both a nought and a one so thanks for the nudge to think about it.