Autumn

Yes, I still believe astrology has some validity. You really fit the profile anyway.

You know what though, Equus? I'm just BSing myself about D2 - and I know it - even though his head injury was serious. It happened 20 years ago. He had to have bone fragments suctioned from his brain (pieces of his brain went with them - he had about 10% removed). The entire posterior left lateral section of his skull was replaced with an acrylic plate. The docs said he would never be substantially functional. He had to learn to walk and talk all over again.

The deficits he exhibits are barely noticeable - at least to me - but then we have been together almost 6 years.

I don't know. I really don't think I'm looking for excuses for him. In fact, I'm more disgusted than anything. You know, I just don't buy that he can't quit smoking or drinking. I guess it might seem harsh, but at least I don't let him think he's sick. I've seen him use his head injury as an excuse to avoid certain tasks, especially where reading/writing is concerned. For instance, he was having me write all the checks for bills, making me think it was too complex a task. Well, I stopped doing it, and he gets along fine. He's better at math than I am. He computes it in his brain faster than I do. He sure can comprehend the fine print on the back of a credit card application too.

I would say the most prevalent or noticeable deficit he has is confusion, though it's temporary. Say, we might be having a conversation, and he will tell me about something at work. Then I'll add something that parallels or expands on what he told me in an effort to validate or shed a different light on the subject. He'll say something like "What does that have to do with what I just told you?"

?

He thinks I'm changing the subject, which I'm not. It's really frustrating, as I'm sure you can imagine. I'm used to it though.

He smokes, and was just diagnosed with beginning stage emphysema. He's already resigned himself to his death! It doesn't make me feel sorry for him - actually, I feel the opposite. Maybe, just maybe Eq, I KNOW he's capable of quitting drinking and smoking, because of all he had to overcome as a result of his head injury! It was hard work, but he did it! He didn't just curl up in a little ball and die.

So really, I think a lot of why I'm even asking questions about his head injury has to do with a certain amount of denial on my part. He doesn't like to read and write (though as I pointed out, he's perfectly capable). Because I quit everything on my own, reading and writing were two crucial means of support and education. I can't force him to. I share as much as I can verbally. He listens, but it isn't enough. I guess a lot of people quit substance abuse without a whole lot of reading tho.

I'm tired and frustrated. It pisses me off when he talks about dying. I'm 36 years old. I'm too young to sit back and watch him die like an old man. I didn't do anything to deserve it! It's so selfish! I have been through so much! No, I don't feel sorry for him at all. I have been busting my a** to improve my life.

I'm not really asking for any advice or comment here Eq - it just helps to vent in writing sometimes as a means of putting things in perspective.