first time here
Wow, I am amazed at how many people out there in this world are going through the same sort of things that I have been hiding for the past 3 years. I am disappointed that I hadn't found the website until recently! I am a young professional woman living with a partner who has an alcohol abuse problem that has recently come to a head. I was once in counselling for a short period of time because I wanted to learn more about the reasons why my partner drinks and why I react so poorly to the situations we get into together. It is then that I discovered that I too, am a codependant. The funny thing is, I had forgotten about my role in our relationship problems (conveniently) until I found this site. I am grateful for this because as I said, my partner's drinking problem has recently caused us a great deal of grief. His drinking causes him to lie (which I understand is a normal behaviour for people with alcohol abuse issues) and take unecessary risks.
Because of the lying I have lost the ability to trust my partner. I am no longer able to enjoy myself in social situations, I am anxious when I am away on business (which is quite often) because I fear he will go out drinking and hurt himself, I have lost the intimacy I use to have with friends and family because I have been hiding the truth about my partner and I for so long. I know that I only make things worse because of my codependancy. I recognize my need to be in control and to organize my life and to plan ahead for everything because that is what I learned to do to cope with alcohol problems in my home. I guess what confuses me is why I am not strong enough to set my boundaries and stick to the plans I make for myself where he is concerned???
My therapist told me that if my partner's problem continued, that I would eventually have to accept that it might be best to leave him for both of our sakes. I have tried leaving. In fact, I am working away from home so that I can avoid him. We had what I call another "episode" on Friday night. He was caught lying about his whereabouts, I thought he was lying dead in a ditch somewhere because he disappeared off the face of the earth for almost 24 hours. He showed up but tried to hide where he was because he thought I would freak out. (which I did anyhow). I don't want to go home until he provides me with a realistic plan to address our problems. I have heard his promises so many times before that I no longer have faith in him or us. But like all times before, I feel myself giving into him. I have agreed to see him on Friday but I am terrified that I will let him back in without really achieving what I need. Is this normal behaviour? How do I break the cycle? It is so strange for me to admit these weaknesses.....
That's enough for my first note. I apologize for rambling.