11 days and counting
So, H gets out of the reco house soon...in 11 days to be exact. I posted last week about a conversation that he and I had on where he was going to go when he's out--home or on to a clean and sober house for a while. We both spoke up about our fears and apprehensions, and he ended up being angry with me for stating mine.
We didn't talk for a couple of days after that. I was confused about why he was having a hard time understanding that I might have the same concerns he has.
When we did talk again, he didn't want to talk about it again until we met with our counselor. I said that's fine but I am going to tell you right now that what I said I said out of love for you and our relationship. He looked at me and said he has hurt me so much that he fears I will give up on us. I told him that I am now reaching the point where I can honestly say I am thankful that we are where we are now b/c we can both begin healing and recovering.
Since then, I have seen him change again, he's relaxed around me, he's opening up more, he's inviting me to more AA meetings with him and he's acting more like he was when I first met him. He told me that every day he writes 3 things in his journal that he is thankful for: his wife, his children and his sobriety.
July 20th is our 2nd anniversary. He gets out the day after. I still don't know whether he will come home or whether he will go on to another place for a while, but I feel a new peace inside of me that I haven't felt in a long, long time.
We are going to go hiking in the mountains for 2 weeks at the end of this month. Just the two of us. We have made a pact that if at any time either one of us does not feel safe, we will leave immediately. I think this will be a good time for us to get to know each other again, I haven't seen him this excited for anything positive in a long time.
I have found a lot of strength here, and at f2f Alanon meetings, watched myself struggle through some really tough emotions, read so many posts of others who struggle with their own, others who are finding happiness again, and I think that it all has to be worth it somehow.
Hugs to you all, I find so much strength here from everyone who is dealing with this powerful addiction and I admire you all so much. We really are very strong, we have to be or we wouldn't have made it this long.