resentments

[PaperDolls]

I've got a lot on my mind tonight. Home alone with beer in the fridge. My alcoholic mind is telling me "Just have some.....tell the gf that you dumped it out. She'll never know. It will just be for tonight." Thankfully I know my mind isn't right when it comes to this. So, I went to an AA meeting. The second meeting I've gone to since 12/3/05. The topic was resentments. I really don't have any experience dealing with them.....I've got them I know, but I've never learned to deal with them. I've never worked the steps. The advice most had, including myself, was talk about them and/or write about them. That's what SR does for me I suppose. I can get this stuff out of my head and feel better. Other suggestions were to work the steps and to pray. I don't know how to do either of those.

I do know that I won't drink the beers in the fridge no matter how bad I want to.

I looked up the definition of resentment - I just wasn't sure about it. What I found on the Internet says "a feeling of deep and bitter anger and ill-will". Oh yeah, I've got some of that. I think mostly towards myself. Tonight I was really annoyed that I couldn't drink like a normal person.

I realized while listening to everyone that I've been going to AA meetings off and on for 15 years. I think I was always looking for someone to tell me I needed help. I wanted the attention. Of course, when I did get it, I got defensive. Because I know what's right for me....I know how to do this. Blah blah blah......I finally got it when I came to SR and listened to theses stories. I now know that I'm not alone.

My gf doesn't really get it I think. I asked her to take the beers. She said "Why". I told her I'll want to drink them......and that having one right now sounds good. She just said "Oh". She must have forgotten because they are still there. I think she knows I'm serious about staying sober this time but I don't think she understands what goes on in my head and I'm not good at saying how I feel.

She called me tonight and I missed the call because I was at the meeting. I lied to her and told her I was at WalMart just shopping. I didn't want to have to explain myself. Oddly enough, and I know it's wrong, but I don't feel guilty for lying to her about it. It's just easier that way. May be I feel a little guilty but I'm glad I'm not still on the phone with her trying to explain why I went and why I still want to drink. It's too hard to explain and I know she wouldn't get it. Huh......may be I'm a little resentful about that, ya suppose?

So - I'm just rambling now. Sorry this is so long. I think I'm going to try to work the modified steps that I read in the Secular forum. I think I can do that with a little of your help.

Thanks for listening.

Peace,
doll

[PaperDolls]

So, I just triple checked. The beers are still there. The look really good. How do I get this off of my mind?

[Done-With-It]

may be I'm a little resentful about that, ya suppose?

Uh, Ya think? ;-)

This isn't the first time I've heard you trying to explain something to her about your drinking. If it were me, I would need a lot more support than you
seem to get at times.

Your post reminded me of how I get when I feel anything strong, it throws me.

Anyway, I'm kind of scatterbrained right now, so I don't even know what I wanted to say. I'll come back later.

I just saw you were struggling and wanted to come on over and give ya a hug. :-)

Don't drink the beer. Beer is evil. lol, No really...........
I've recently been around an alcoholic lady a lot, and omg, it is so
unnatractive. She becomes a monster when she starts drinking.
Then she just wakes up the next day and does it again.....

Remember the nightmare of all those days?

Hang in there doll!

DWI

[Done-With-It]

Sorry, I thought my message sent, but it didn't, I just now sent it.

Girl, go out for a walk, go to walmart like you said, go rent a movie,

Pour them out, something.......

[Done-With-It]

go to

www.bored.com

[Done-With-It]

Remember the hangovers, cotton mouth, lies, wanting more, blackouts, etc....

[PaperDolls]

Thanks hun.

In my gf's defence I just don't think she gets it. Addiction is foriegn to her. She has been supportive in her way. I'm not easy to understand. I keep things to myself because it's just easier than to actually deal with them.

Yes - beer is evil!

damn that beer.

[Done-With-It]

Are you okay now?

[cookie7]

HI Ladies;
I am a first timer here. Married to an alcoholic, and in recovery myself for codendency. I just drove my husband home from rehab today and it was very difficult. I participated in the family program for a week and it was extremely helpful. I haven't found an Alanon meeting yet, but did get online tonight and found alot in my area. I can go Wed. night. I want and need a sponser asap. My husgand went out tonight mad and said that he was going to an AA meeting and was gone 2 hours. I was scared that he was drinking. This is really confusing and hard. Any thoughts ideas, help? Much thanks to all. Cookie

[cookie7]

PS. I found this for women in recovery and hope that i am in the right place. If not, could someone offer the right one? Many thanks;
cookie

[GettingFree]

Hi PD,

I had a similar feeling to Done-With-It when I read your post about your gf. It's pretty challenging to go through recovery if you're having to keep things to yourself about the struggles.

Granted your gf may not know a lot about addiction. But if she was interested, there are a lot of ways she could educate herself more and learn the issues and challenges involved, not just for you, but for herself in a relationship.

Perhaps she could go to an Alanon meeting, check out the Friends & Family board here and read the stickies -- or if that feels like a violation of your privacy, perhaps you can print out some of the stickies from that forum for her to read.

It probably will feel like a relief to you if she can become more involved, and you'll feel comfortable sharing your vulnerababilities with her, instead of fearing you'll be judged. That's a hard place to be.

hang in!
gf

[GettingFree]

Hi Cookie and welcome,

The women's forum is a great place to share our struggles in recovery from anything, whether it's substance abuse, alcoholism, codepenency, love addiction, food related issues, etc. -- or just life.

I'd also suggest posting on the Friends & Family Forum -- it gets more traffic and there are many women (and a few men!) in various stages of relationships and marriages with A's and I'm sure many who have walked in your shoes and can identify with what you're going through now. You're bound to get some helpful feedback.

best
gf

[recovering too]

Paperdoll,
You, like the rest of us in recovery have some ill feels or resentments against normal people who can drink and those who keep carelessly forgetting I am a drunk and leave alcohol around for me to relapse on. I no longer feel the need to lie about who I am and what I am. But that took 10 years with meetings and a sponsor. I can not change who I am to make people feel better nor do I ask them to change who they are. I have to accept everthing good, bad, or indifferent. I don't have to like it but I do have to accept to be ble to stay in my comfort sone. You say you do not feel guilty about lieing to you girl. I think you should rething that because things I do not feel guilty about I do not talk about. Resentments in a simpler form is re-living feels of anger, frustration, and ill feeling towards a person, place, or thing over and over again in my mond and spirit. I hope some of this helps. Reply back and let me know whats going on. I really need to get my mind off of my own stuff at this moment.

[PaperDolls]

alright - I made it through the night with no drink thank goodness. I didn't sleep well but I'm OK.

I'm not sure how to respond to you GF about my girlfriend. It's too complicated for my brain to process right now. I do understand what you are saying though. It's just easier for me to let her be like she is. I'm taking the easy way out. I have suggested she go to alanon meetings and I bookmarked a bunch of sites for her to read about alcoholism and depression. She never looked at them. I think she knew that hurt me but I don't know.

I'm too tired to think right now -- didn't sleep right now. Thanks for being there for me last night DW.

Love,
doll

[PillPopper]

Doll - get those beers out of the house ASAP. If I had pills in front of me during these last few weeks I would have taken them I am sure of it. So proud that you made it through the night clean and sober - stay that way. Get rid of the beer I don't drink, but I have addiction just like you. I will be happy to chat anytime you are bored if I am on

[PaperDolls]

Thanks PP.

I'm feeling really depressed and lazy today. I'll make it through the week by myself. I'm sure of it. I don't want to travel down that drunken road again.

[GettingFree]

Originally Posted by PaperDolls

It's just easier for me to let her be like she is. I'm taking the easy way out. I have suggested she go to alanon meetings and I bookmarked a bunch of sites for her to read about alcoholism and depression. She never looked at them. I think she knew that hurt me but I don't know.

Oh PD,

It sounds like there is a lot of hurt in there. I understand how difficult it is to take a risk asking for what we need because -- what happens if we don't get it? Are we setting ourselves up for more disappointment and hurt?

By taking the so-called easy way out -- avoiding raising this with your gf -- you're actually adding to the pain and making the internal struggle harder. You may avoid conflict on the outside, but inside it's very dark and hurting. Avoiding rarely fixes the problem.

It's hard to see you struggle with this alone, and that makes the depression understandable. You've talked about getting back into therapy. Any more thoughts on that lately?

thinking of you
gf

[PaperDolls]

Wow, I guess I do have a lot of hurt inside because I almost cried reading this. I did make some calls today to some counselors but haven't heard back. I've got a Dr. appt. on Thursday.

I was talking to a friend on the phone a little while ago. I told her I think I'm feeling really depressed right now because I'm alone but when I get like this all I want is to be alone. It's this big circle of poop. I'm feeling lazy because I'm depressed and them depressed because I'm so lazy....ya know what I mean?

I'm horrible at saying how I feel. Most of the time I don't even know. I realize how much I like to avoid hurting other people at the expense of myself. I don't want anyone to worry about me. That would hurt them. So, I pretend that everything is okay. It builds on the inside and I'm not sure what to do about it. I mean I know -- I should say how I feel and get it out. Thinking of doing that gives me anxiety. Blah!

It just sucks right now. I'm not happy with myself at all. Everything sucks.

[GettingFree]

Originally Posted by PaperDolls

I think I'm feeling really depressed right now because I'm alone but when I get like this all I want is to be alone.

Hey PD,
This is a really familiar pattern. I know when I go into a dark place, I feel so very lonely and isolated, but all I want to do is isolate more. It becomes a vicious circle.

When I get into that kind of a place, I know I have to reach out. If I don't, I'll wallow and sink. And that's exactly what you did. You reached out here and you made calls to counsellors. That's a very positive sign in taking steps to take care of yourself.

Originally Posted by PaperDolls

I realize how much I like to avoid hurting other people at the expense of myself. I don't want anyone to worry about me. That would hurt them. So, I pretend that everything is okay.

That pretending has probably cost you a lot. Taking care of others at your own expense carries a big price tag. I know. I've put my own needs second to others so much that I stopped being able to identify them. This is a classic trait of co-dependence and it's taken me a long time to start to care for myself enough that I can put my own needs front and centre.

Originally Posted by PaperDolls

It builds on the inside and I'm not sure what to do about it. I mean I know -- I should say how I feel and get it out. Thinking of doing that gives me anxiety.

I know growing up, when I would say how I feel, it wasn't received very well. I was expected not to have the reactions or feelings I had to the craziness around me. So it makes sense I developed a lot of rules about saying how I felt, and a lot of anxiety along with it. Even being able to identify what I felt took practice. I might lash out in anger, but that was a defense against the real feeling, which was hurt. Or I might be feeling guilt, when what I really was feeling was resentment. It all gets mixed up until we really practice getting at what's inside, and give ourselves permission to feel -- and say how we feel.

I really hope you click with one of the counsellors PD -- I know how much my therapy has helped me.

best
gf

[Smyle]

I am resentful....kc police gave me a ticket last week when I was visiting my sick uncle......I know this is a little off topic but I had to vent to a kc girl, you can empathize

I also resent my mom for lots of things and I do not know what to do with that, I do the therapy thing but it still hurts....

how did your Dr. appt go today ?????

[PaperDolls]

Hi smyle -- I've been lucky enough (knock on wood) not to get any tickets from KC police! But I sympathize with you hun.

Doc appt was good I think. I actually saw someone different that my primary and I think I like his approach better. He's referring me to a Psychiatrist to get my meds right. I'm seeing a counselor on Saturday. I always have great anxiety when I go to the doc for some reason. Plus my gf is out of town for the week and that sucks. Then I just got into an argument with a friend and I'm really pissed and hurt about that. I'm waiting for a call back from the doc for something for anxiety. I feel like a wreck today.

By the way - the beers are still in the fridge and I don't want them.

[amymarie]

IMHO-
PD,
empty them out....
if my DOC was in the cabinet in the kitchen, my anxiety would be severe, my thoughts would be obsessive...maybe this is just me...i dont even have a desire to use today (and havent for a while) but I still know how I operate...and i would be crawling outta my own skin...until...maybe even days later...i used....
I love you girl....

[PaperDolls]

Thanks Amy -- I guess I might be testing myself. Wrong thing to do I'm sure but whatever. That's sort of my mindset right now. F&*k everything. Bad bad, I know.

I really don't want to drink at all. When I do have a "craving" if thats what you want to call it, it lasts literally about 2 seconds. I'm so done with it. I promise.