problems after sobriety - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

ndgrace · 07-04-2006, 07:33 AM

I would be sober about 3 months, had a slip a month ago (1 day) and am greatful for my time sober. The problem now is my marriage. My husband never felt I had a problem, and now I see why. My drinking made me numb to his lack of respect of me, so I left him alone. Now it is glaring, and I know life is not all about me, but we get sober, work the steps etc., and he stays the same. I know, the serenity prayer is an awesome tool, but would like to know how others have dealt with this stuff??? I will be an empty nester this fall, and would like to look forward to it, not dread it. I guess I did not pay attention to how critical he is of everything , and it gets old. Thanks for letting me vent.

pabloswife · 07-04-2006, 07:46 AM

i understand what you are going through because me and my husband have been togather six years off and on because he did not like the drug use in front of the children but he use to drink heavely so i would say to him what is the difference? he excus was i lived in his house and he supportted me but when it all came down he was asking me to move back in and that if i was that devoted to getting sober then i must not be the reason he drinks. we are not complety empty nestted but two of our five have moved out and some times i forget they won't be home for supper or i don't have to wake them up. so i say to you as a friend if he is disrespectting you then ask him why if no answer then show him what it feels like to be ignored. i know that most men hate it why they feel as if they are not respectted. speaking from the heart now i know it hurts but some times the hurt is the best feeling to have because it is the only true feeling that you have at the moment and you can fix that hurt with a happy feeling just as it was turned bad by some one,thing,or moment.

GettingFree · 07-04-2006, 08:18 AM

Hi ndgrace,

When we self-medicate, a lot slips by, and often we become numb to, acclimatized to, or learn to ignore poor treatment by others. When I was with my partner who used, and I joined him, I ignored so much. Once I started my recovery, it became painfully clear that this relationship did not have what I wanted to be the kind of authentic and intimate relationship I wanted -- nor could he provide it.

This man was not my husband though, and it was easier to end the relationship than the long-standing marriage you have. I understand. On the other hand, you do have the rest of your life to look forward to through the eyes of recovery. Only you can decide how to proceed.

One first step is to establish healthy boundaries. Decide what king of treatment you will and will not accept. Sometimes we play a part in people treating us with disrespect because we either accept it or engage with it. If you establish how you want to be treated, and don't accept less, sometimes others have no choice but to adapt. But of course, sometimes they don't change, but you do end up removing yourself from the treatment.

Another step is perhaps to look at counselling together. It often takes a third party to help couples find better ways of communicating and relating to one another.

best
gf

***Anna*** · 07-04-2006, 12:58 PM

Oh it is SO interesting how our perception changes when we see things with sober eyes! But, whatever it is we have to deal with, I think it's all good. They are things that have been causing us problems whether we were aware of it or not. As GettingFree said the first step is to decide what you want, how you want to be treated, what you expect. And, then see how it works out. You might find that if you change your expectations, then your husband will respond positively to the change.

ndgrace · 07-04-2006, 02:32 PM

Thank you all for responding! I did pray about and set some expectations. He did respond in a positive manner by admitting he treats me badly. I think counseling would be good, he is not there yet, but then he did not think I had a problem with alcohol either. For now it is in his court. In the mean time I went out shopping with someone else from the program and that was really fun. I think filling the time up with other activities and service helps me focus on others!

GettingFree · 07-04-2006, 06:19 PM

Wow ngrace. That's a great place to begin. Of course, the challenge is keeping to the expecations we set. Just as actions, not words, spell recovery, so it is with setting boundaries.

I know I've been guilty of not following through with actions when I've articulated boundaries in the past. Actually, my children are one place I know I've been inconsistent and overly flexible in keeping to my boundaries. And I know I'm paying the price, and having to work double time to reinstate the same boundaries.

It may help to give some thought to your actions -- what they will be if the expectations you've set are violated. Having an action plan in your head will help keep your intentions and your actions matching up.

And of course, changing the focus is great too!

gf

indigo · 07-05-2006, 05:59 AM

I can't add anything , except to say that all the above rings so true!

hugs indigo

Zgardenbug13 · 07-15-2006, 08:43 PM

[QUOTE=GettingFree]Hi ndgrace,

When we self-medicate, a lot slips by, and often we become numb to, acclimatized to, or learn to ignore poor treatment by others. When I was with my partner who used, and I joined him, I ignored so much. Once I started my recovery, it became painfully clear that this relationship did not have what I wanted to be the kind of authentic and intimate relationship I wanted -- nor could he provide it.

Hi,
This is one of my core issues that I need to work on. It may be that I will have to decide whether to stay with him or leave.

ZGarden

GettingFree · 07-16-2006, 03:27 AM

Welcome the the women's forum Zgardenbug!

It sounds like you're struggling with something many of us have. Why not start your own thread and share a little of your story. Others may have more to add.

best
gf

***Anna*** · 07-16-2006, 02:19 PM

Welcome Zgardenbug,

It's amazing what we can 'medicate away' in our lives while we are drinking.

I hope you take up GettingFree's suggestion and start your own thread when you're ready.

07-04-2006, 07:33 AM	#1 (permalink)
ndgrace ndgrace Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: VA Posts: 72	problems after sobriety I would be sober about 3 months, had a slip a month ago (1 day) and am greatful for my time sober. The problem now is my marriage. My husband never felt I had a problem, and now I see why. My drinking made me numb to his lack of respect of me, so I left him alone. Now it is glaring, and I know life is not all about me, but we get sober, work the steps etc., and he stays the same. I know, the serenity prayer is an awesome tool, but would like to know how others have dealt with this stuff??? I will be an empty nester this fall, and would like to look forward to it, not dread it. I guess I did not pay attention to how critical he is of everything , and it gets old. Thanks for letting me vent.

07-04-2006, 07:46 AM	#2 (permalink)
pabloswife anewlifer Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: jewett,texas Posts: 8	i understand what you are going through because me and my husband have been togather six years off and on because he did not like the drug use in front of the children but he use to drink heavely so i would say to him what is the difference? he excus was i lived in his house and he supportted me but when it all came down he was asking me to move back in and that if i was that devoted to getting sober then i must not be the reason he drinks. we are not complety empty nestted but two of our five have moved out and some times i forget they won't be home for supper or i don't have to wake them up. so i say to you as a friend if he is disrespectting you then ask him why if no answer then show him what it feels like to be ignored. i know that most men hate it why they feel as if they are not respectted. speaking from the heart now i know it hurts but some times the hurt is the best feeling to have because it is the only true feeling that you have at the moment and you can fix that hurt with a happy feeling just as it was turned bad by some one,thing,or moment. __________________ please stay sober huggs mommie

07-04-2006, 12:58 PM	#4 (permalink)
*Anna* Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 27,823	Oh it is SO interesting how our perception changes when we see things with sober eyes! But, whatever it is we have to deal with, I think it's all good. They are things that have been causing us problems whether we were aware of it or not. As GettingFree said the first step is to decide what you want, how you want to be treated, what you expect. And, then see how it works out. You might find that if you change your expectations, then your husband will respond positively to the change. __________________ Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Marianne Willianson

07-05-2006, 05:59 AM	#7 (permalink)
indigo Community Greeter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mid-Life Express Posts: 9,928	I can't add anything , except to say that all the above rings so true! hugs indigo __________________ When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté

07-16-2006, 02:19 PM	#10 (permalink)
*Anna* Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 27,823	Welcome Zgardenbug, It's amazing what we can 'medicate away' in our lives while we are drinking. I hope you take up GettingFree's suggestion and start your own thread when you're ready. __________________ Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Marianne Willianson

07-04-2006, 08:18 AM	#3 (permalink)
GettingFree Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Canada Posts: 689	Hi ndgrace, When we self-medicate, a lot slips by, and often we become numb to, acclimatized to, or learn to ignore poor treatment by others. When I was with my partner who used, and I joined him, I ignored so much. Once I started my recovery, it became painfully clear that this relationship did not have what I wanted to be the kind of authentic and intimate relationship I wanted -- nor could he provide it. This man was not my husband though, and it was easier to end the relationship than the long-standing marriage you have. I understand. On the other hand, you do have the rest of your life to look forward to through the eyes of recovery. Only you can decide how to proceed. One first step is to establish healthy boundaries. Decide what king of treatment you will and will not accept. Sometimes we play a part in people treating us with disrespect because we either accept it or engage with it. If you establish how you want to be treated, and don't accept less, sometimes others have no choice but to adapt. But of course, sometimes they don't change, but you do end up removing yourself from the treatment. Another step is perhaps to look at counselling together. It often takes a third party to help couples find better ways of communicating and relating to one another. best gf

07-04-2006, 02:32 PM	#5 (permalink)
ndgrace ndgrace Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: VA Posts: 72	Thank you all for responding! I did pray about and set some expectations. He did respond in a positive manner by admitting he treats me badly. I think counseling would be good, he is not there yet, but then he did not think I had a problem with alcohol either. For now it is in his court. In the mean time I went out shopping with someone else from the program and that was really fun. I think filling the time up with other activities and service helps me focus on others!

07-04-2006, 06:19 PM	#6 (permalink)
GettingFree Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Canada Posts: 689	Wow ngrace. That's a great place to begin. Of course, the challenge is keeping to the expecations we set. Just as actions, not words, spell recovery, so it is with setting boundaries. I know I've been guilty of not following through with actions when I've articulated boundaries in the past. Actually, my children are one place I know I've been inconsistent and overly flexible in keeping to my boundaries. And I know I'm paying the price, and having to work double time to reinstate the same boundaries. It may help to give some thought to your actions -- what they will be if the expectations you've set are violated. Having an action plan in your head will help keep your intentions and your actions matching up. And of course, changing the focus is great too! gf

07-15-2006, 08:43 PM	#8 (permalink)
Zgardenbug13 Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: The EVERGREEN STATE Posts: 17	[QUOTE=GettingFree]Hi ndgrace, When we self-medicate, a lot slips by, and often we become numb to, acclimatized to, or learn to ignore poor treatment by others. When I was with my partner who used, and I joined him, I ignored so much. Once I started my recovery, it became painfully clear that this relationship did not have what I wanted to be the kind of authentic and intimate relationship I wanted -- nor could he provide it. Hi, This is one of my core issues that I need to work on. It may be that I will have to decide whether to stay with him or leave. ZGarden

07-16-2006, 03:27 AM	#9 (permalink)
GettingFree Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Canada Posts: 689	Welcome the the women's forum Zgardenbug! It sounds like you're struggling with something many of us have. Why not start your own thread and share a little of your story. Others may have more to add. best gf

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