i'm not superwoman, why do i pretend to be?

[spreadingwings]

WARNING: lol this is a long, whiney, b*tchy, email about my chaotic life.


hi everyone,
it has been one of the most chaotic weeks of my life! i come home from a wonderful meeting on wed night, in a great mood. that came to a screeching halt! i got a call from my land lord. my ex room mate had been breaking into my apt with a group of gang members to party. they kicked in the window ( wihch i don't understand, she has KEYS ) stole all my stuff, flodded the entire place, threatened the other ppl in the house with guns! and trashed whatever they didn't take. so i was told that if i want to keep my deposit and get a good reccommendation, i will move ALL my stuff out and clena it up by july 1st! ( i had until spet 1st before that) so my mom and i drove 1.5 hours into the city at 11pm at night to pack up what was left of my stuff, and clean. it was gross, there was garbage pile at least 2 feet high everywhere, water over the whole floor, bugs, and it STUNK my father showed up to help us, but yelled at me the whole time and degraded me every possible way. normally i just don't say anything, but i was so upset, . i felt betrayed by her ( silly me thought she would at least have the decency to just walk away and let me try and salvage what was left of my life) angry at myself for giving her so many chances and sticking up for her when everyone told me she was trouble. i thought she could change! anyway, i finally lost it and yelled at my father. he promptly hit me. my mom had to pull him off me and force him to leave.......
but we managed to pack everything up i threw 90% of my stuff out, i'm just going to start completely over. i only took the most sentimental stuff. and scrub the entire place in 24 hours! but we worked it straight, only smoke breaks, not even sleeping!

i was very naive. i thought that if i did everything in my power to turn my life around, my higher power would take care of the rest. i figured if i just left, everything would be ok, and she would just go away.
so i just get over that, and canada day comes along! ( our version of independace day) we had a house full here, my 2 aunts, my brother and his gf, my cousin and his gf and son. they said they wouldn't bring alcohol cuz they didn't want ot bother me, but i siad it was ok. i don't know why i do this. i know it affects me ( i have a whole three weeks clean) but i won't admit it. i seem to think i am super woman. thats what happened before my relapse. i told my room mate that her using in my apt didn't bother me, i could handle it anyway, not only do i tell them they can all use around me.... today i go into town and BUY beer for my brother!!!!!!!!! i almost didn't make it out of that store. why do i do this to myself. i'm stubborn, and refuse to admit that things affect me and that i can't handle certain things. i figure just cuz i can't handle drugs or alcohol, why should that affect the ppl around me. I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN!!!! and i certainly don't seem ot learn from my mistakes.
i had to spend a lot of time with my aunt that lives down the street this weekend. both her and my auncle HATE me. they always have. it's a good day if they just completely ignore me. they won't even respond if i say something, but this weekend they were out right RUDE and MEAN. i had been successful in not seeing them the past few weeks i have lived out here, but with all the company, i was obliged to go over.
and for the grand finale of my weekend, i just brought my two cats here, and my mom has two cats, they don't like eachother but were bascially staying out of eachother's way. but my mom's male has been picking on mine. mine just takes it, well, even stewie has his breaking point. there was a huge fight, and they both needed stitches, but my mom's cat got the worse of it. which some how means my cats are vicious and have to be locked in a room from now on!. i speand most of my time in the room with them now. it's not fair at all. my mom refuses to lock hers up for even an hour ot let mine run! i am moving my computer out of the living room and into my bedroom. where i will be spending most of the next 6 months until i get into treatment and then get my own place.\
sigh. my fingers are going to fall off. i am sorry for spewing my emotional bulsh*t here but i needed ot get it out somewhere.

[GettingFree]

Hi spreadingwings,

First, I am so sorry you had to through such drama this weekend. It sounds horrible, and a terrible betrayal by your former roomate.

What really impressed me with your post though is the awareness you're developing of the 'superwoman' tendency in you. I wish I had been able to recognize it me when I was as young as you.

It's taken me a long time to learn that I don't have to prove I can do it all, juggle 20 balls in the air at the same time, and that I can say no. Or to learn that to do the best thing for me and not say yes to things, when no is really the best way to take care of my needs at that time. I'm still practicing.

If you can begin to practice this yourself, to listen to your inner heart and true feelings, and not push yourself to go along with things that you know in your heart are not best for you, you're going to come through just fine.

Hang in -- and never apologize for spewing. It's not emotional BS, it's your experience.

best
gf

[Ngokpa]

The thing about early sobriety is we can no longer medicate, but our lives are still chaotic. But you're certainly less likely to pick such a roommate sober.

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in,
I am lost…I am helpless,
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find my way out.


Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.


Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It’s my fault.
I get out immediately.


Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.


Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

[51anna]

Hi Spreadingwings,

I am sorry, too, that you are going through this chaos in your life.

First thing I would say is stay away from your father, and I mean keep him out of your life. You do not need to be degraded and physically hit by anyone and I am not someone who buys into this 'well, it's my family'. No one has the right to do that to you.

Stay away from the aunts who don't like you. One of the biggest and best things I've done in my life was to keep away from toxic people. You can't be around toxic people and not be affected. And, that includes family members.

You can't do it all, you can't be kind to everybody and not end up feeling used. And, that's where you are right now. Even your cats are suffering.

Is there any other possible option for living arrangements at this time? Or is there any way to get into treatment before six months. It seems like a very difficult living arrangement for you and your cats. I hope that you can find some alternative.

Be good to yourself!

[Kahlia]

Originally Posted by spreadingwings

WARNING: lol this is a long, whiney, b*tchy, email about my chaotic life.


hi everyone,
it has been one of the most chaotic weeks of my life! i come home from a wonderful meeting on wed night, in a great mood. that came to a screeching halt! i got a call from my land lord. my ex room mate had been breaking into my apt with a group of gang members to party. they kicked in the window ( wihch i don't understand, she has KEYS ) stole all my stuff, flodded the entire place, threatened the other ppl in the house with guns! and trashed whatever they didn't take. so i was told that if i want to keep my deposit and get a good reccommendation, i will move ALL my stuff out and clena it up by july 1st! ( i had until spet 1st before that) so my mom and i drove 1.5 hours into the city at 11pm at night to pack up what was left of my stuff, and clean. it was gross, there was garbage pile at least 2 feet high everywhere, water over the whole floor, bugs, and it STUNK my father showed up to help us, but yelled at me the whole time and degraded me every possible way. normally i just don't say anything, but i was so upset, . i felt betrayed by her ( silly me thought she would at least have the decency to just walk away and let me try and salvage what was left of my life) angry at myself for giving her so many chances and sticking up for her when everyone told me she was trouble. i thought she could change! anyway, i finally lost it and yelled at my father. he promptly hit me. my mom had to pull him off me and force him to leave.......
but we managed to pack everything up i threw 90% of my stuff out, i'm just going to start completely over. i only took the most sentimental stuff. and scrub the entire place in 24 hours! but we worked it straight, only smoke breaks, not even sleeping!

i was very naive. i thought that if i did everything in my power to turn my life around, my higher power would take care of the rest. i figured if i just left, everything would be ok, and she would just go away.
so i just get over that, and canada day comes along! ( our version of independace day) we had a house full here, my 2 aunts, my brother and his gf, my cousin and his gf and son. they said they wouldn't bring alcohol cuz they didn't want ot bother me, but i siad it was ok. i don't know why i do this. i know it affects me ( i have a whole three weeks clean) but i won't admit it. i seem to think i am super woman. thats what happened before my relapse. i told my room mate that her using in my apt didn't bother me, i could handle it anyway, not only do i tell them they can all use around me.... today i go into town and BUY beer for my brother!!!!!!!!! i almost didn't make it out of that store. why do i do this to myself. i'm stubborn, and refuse to admit that things affect me and that i can't handle certain things. i figure just cuz i can't handle drugs or alcohol, why should that affect the ppl around me. I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN!!!! and i certainly don't seem ot learn from my mistakes.
i had to spend a lot of time with my aunt that lives down the street this weekend. both her and my auncle HATE me. they always have. it's a good day if they just completely ignore me. they won't even respond if i say something, but this weekend they were out right RUDE and MEAN. i had been successful in not seeing them the past few weeks i have lived out here, but with all the company, i was obliged to go over.
and for the grand finale of my weekend, i just brought my two cats here, and my mom has two cats, they don't like eachother but were bascially staying out of eachother's way. but my mom's male has been picking on mine. mine just takes it, well, even stewie has his breaking point. there was a huge fight, and they both needed stitches, but my mom's cat got the worse of it. which some how means my cats are vicious and have to be locked in a room from now on!. i speand most of my time in the room with them now. it's not fair at all. my mom refuses to lock hers up for even an hour ot let mine run! i am moving my computer out of the living room and into my bedroom. where i will be spending most of the next 6 months until i get into treatment and then get my own place.\
sigh. my fingers are going to fall off. i am sorry for spewing my emotional bulsh*t here but i needed ot get it out somewhere.

Hi-I am glad that you are not drinking or using...the stress was MY trigger...also, it was NOT a LONG post, you were VENTING your feelings, it is great that you did it here. You ask a very simple question?--Why do you keep doing these things?....because you are just out of the bottle and off the dope and you need help, a lot of it right now, you need support, you need AA and NA, you need meetings, a sponser and most of all, you need to STOP feeling BAD about yourself....it is a NEW day, a new begining, one you can do some good in, try and find ONE thing every day that makes you feel GOOD...STAY away from people, such as your aunt and uncle, that make you feel bad (at least for right now, until you know how to deal with them better). You are very smart as far as the superwoman thing, I know about that...now I just laugh about it...it is called CHAOS!!!! You think you are really doing all these things that are keeping you busy-go BACK and re-read your post...it is so full of chaos...you were nailed at every corner....it happens...just try to do only one small thing at a time....it will get better and I think it is so cool that through all THAT, you are still clean and sober......PEACE....kahlia