another rough day

[lostnalone95]

well here it is sunday....my husband was here today and spent all day with the kids.....me--i hid out in my room!!!!! now why did i do that you ask??? well it is really simple....the last few nights i have has dreams about him....very intense dreams....dreams about loving him....being in his arms....making love to him.....good dreams....dreams about what was good about our love......and when i've woken up i've been slammed back into reality and realized that he isn't there beside me, he isn't making love to me....and it hurts.....it hurts like hell....and i just couldn't stand the thought of being near him today of hearing his voice or seeing him or smelling him.....it's like all the scabs are ripped wide open and all the pain is fresh all over again and i am so angry at my heart for betraying me just when i thought i was finally getting just a tiny bit of control over my emotions. infact right this minute i am crying so hard that i can barely read what i am typing......i guess i'm gonna go for now. the kids will be back upstairs any time now and i don't want them to see me crying like this......it just upsets them and they don't need anymore upsets!!!!!

[aasharon90]

Hi lostnalone95.

Thanks for sharing.

My heart goes out to u for how u r feeling right now. We r close in sobriety time. Mine 8/11/90. This Aug by the Grace of God i will be at 16 yrs. Last yr was rough for me as we were talking divorce big time. It was a very stressful time for us. Sometimes those highs and lows do come into my life esp. if im not here sharing my ESH with others. When i begin to slip back into my old behavior then that is when my Sereity is low. It is when i dont have that close contact with my HP. Higher Power. So i have to get back to basics and go backto those first 3 steps.

Putting our program into action once again. When I stay on top of my program and do mantainance on a daily bases then im more at ease and able to deal with everyday crises a tad better.

I do hope things get better for u. But a good cry is also a good thing. Sometimes we just need to do that to stay in touch with our emotions.

Today things between my spouse and i after 24 yrs marriage are a little better.

Today i am not putting any expectations on anything. Just taking things as they come one day at a time.

Anyway....u r in my toughts and prayers. love and care.

Thanks for letting me share.

[GettingFree]

Those kind of 'flash-back' dreams are not unusual. You have a period of mourning to go through now lost. A decade with someone is a substantial amount of time, and at one time you looked to this man with love in your heart and hoped he'd be your partner for life. The man you fell in love with isn't there. And mourning that part, or mourning the man you thought he was, or mourning the idea of him you had, even if it wasn't totally realistic, is painful.

When those dreams happen, try and acknowledge them and let them go. Have understanding for yourself, and for the part of you that is slowly releasing the hopes and wishes of the past, and acknowledge too the yearning you still have for a genuine loving relationship -- which may yet happen downn the road.

It's kind of like running a marathon. You know there's a finish line, but when you're only 15 k into a 30k run (not that I do marathons!), and you're already drained and tired, you know you just have to get through -- it will hurt, it will be painful, it will be challenging. But there is an end.

Call on your supports. Call friends, family, your mom. Post here.

gf

[CarolD]

I'd rather m miss the lover making
than worry about AIDs,

[lostnalone95]

i know intellectually that i better off without him--much better off infact.....and on that same note i can think of about 48 reasons....(i know this because when i couldn't sleep last night i made a list!!!!)......but my heart on the other hand isn't cooperating with my intellect....it just doesn't want to get with the program these past few days!!!!!!! last night since i couldn't sleep i was going through some stuff in the basement and i found a stray box of my husbands stuff and my very first thought was...gee i wonder if he realizes this stuff is here...and if he doesn't miss it...can i hide it somewhere and keep it so that i can still have a piece of him!!?? how ridiculous and insane is that!!!????? i'm thinking i'm about one more visit with him from a straight jacket.....now what i mean????? right now on the cd that is playing the song "it just has to be this way" by reba mcentire and vince gill is playing.....it decribes my life perfectly.....it is about a couple who seperate and the ensuing pain........i seem to be finding more and more comfort in songs like this one and "it's my job to fall" "forgive" by rebecca lynn howard "unlove me" by julie roberts "precious pain" by melissa etheridge "wrong again" martina mcbride all sad songs yes i know but when i listen to them somehoe the pain releases a little at a time.....they are almost cathatric. i know that probably sounds silly but i really can't think of a better way to describe it......well gotta go......the rugrats are up and fighting.......the boy child breathed on the girl child and she is shrieking like he poisoned her or something!!!!! kids gotta love'em!!!!!lol