emotional affairs

[stringer belle]

hi everyone. i didn't know what forum to create this thread in, so i guess i'll go with the women's recovery forum and if it's better suited for another forum then a mod can move it for me.

has anyone had any experience with having an emotional affair(s), i.e. cheating on your spouse in every intimate sense except physically? if so, could you share your stories and more importantly, any help you sought that proved effective for you in ending the affair, or dealing with it accordingly?

basically ANY feedback/insight on this topic would be helpful.

edit: i just saw the relationships and parenting forum. sorry to the powers that be, i should have looked around better.

[51anna]

Hi Stringer Belle,

I have not had an emotional affair, but I know that if I did, an emotional affair would be harder for me to get over than a physical affair. It would be much more difficult to deal with.

I would guess that talking to a psychologist or marriage counsellor would be the best idea to try to heal from this. I believe that we can heal from anything if the motivation is there.

Hopefully others will be along who can give you more insight.

[indigo]

I'm sure too that others will be around soon, meantime WELCOME.

indigo

[CarolD]

Hi and Welcome to this forum!

I do think a counselor is in order so you can sort thru this attraction.

I can tell you this...for sure...the man you are yearning
for is an illusion.
He too will have faults and bad breath and annoying habits.

Is your husband abusive? Does he drink/drug?
If so..that may be why you think the other guy is a better deal.
And I suggest..if those facts are there...you defenitley could
benefit from counseling.

When we are new to sobriety..as you are..we often go
up and down with moods. See how you feel at a year sober.

I do hope you find answers..Hugs

[Autumn]

Originally Posted by stringer belle

has anyone had any experience with having an emotional affair(s), i.e. cheating on your spouse in every intimate sense except physically?

Hi Belle. I can't say that I have cheated on my SO of 5 years in every intimate sense other than physically, but pretty close. The closest I ever came to that was once when I was pursued by a co-worker rather aggressively..... things weren't so hot with the SO at that time either. I fantasized about this person a lot, wanted to have an affair, flirted, etc. We just didn't have phone or cyber sex. We were hot for each other tho.

if so, could you share your stories and more importantly, any help you sought that proved effective for you in ending the affair, or dealing with it accordingly?

I guess what it really boiled down to for me was finally growing up. I had been involved in love triangles before. This person that I mentioned above was very difficult to resist..... he was about 6 years younger than me, left flowers on my car all the time, was extremely good-looking (a fire-fighter to boot), fabulous income, seemed to be more interested in me than just physically, etc. But he was a kid nonetheless. He was a bit the dangerous type, unsettled and impulsive, and I knew he had some living yet to do. Then there's the whole aspect of building a relationship on a lie. How could I ever expect him to respect or trust me, and could I respect him for condoning my unfaithfulness to my SO had I been? However, there is an ethical and moral aspect to this as well. I really feel that my SO, for all his problems, is the only man who ever really loved me, and I just couldn't bear to see him in that kind of emotional pain had he found out. Then, there would have also been my own conscience to live with. I wrote this individual a long letter explaining the above, which he took none too gracefully. That indicated to me his level of maturity and where his head was really at.

I hope this helps, and I'm sorry if you're unhappy in your marriage.....

[stringer belle]

wow, thanks to all of you for the warm welcomes and responses. really, i appreciate it.

actually i'm not married, i'm just in a long-term relationship (5 years) and at one point before getting sober i was engaged to him, but i recently told him that the engagement is pretty much off until i can get my life straight and figure out what i need, who i am as a sober person, etc etc. there are many problems with us that i ignored or numbed out with alcohol for years, the main one being that we have zero intimacy, and i don't just mean physically.. emotionally, too. i've known for the entire course of the relationship that he probably wasn't the right person for me in spite of the fact that he's a great person and loves me.. i stayed with him for the wrong reasons, i think.. selfish reasons.. and in a way i was "taken care of" while i was drinking.. now i feel an ENORMOUS sense of obligation.. and i've sought intimacy and emotional connections that i was missing from someone else.. not physically, but in other senses.. and i've made that person miserable, myself miserable.. and it's just all a huge mess.

there's more, but i'll just stop for now. because really... what i need is probably professional therapy, some more sober time, some soul-searching, and some more growing up. i can't get everything i need from this forum, or anywhere online, but your feedback is VERY appreciated.. really.

[CarolD]

Your final paragraph is sooo correct! IMO

Good plan! Hugs

[GettingFree]

Originally Posted by stringer belle

i've known for the entire course of the relationship that he probably wasn't the right person for me in spite of the fact that he's a great person and loves me.. i stayed with him for the wrong reasons, i think.. selfish reasons.. and in a way i was "taken care of" while i was drinking.. now i feel an ENORMOUS sense of obligation.. and i've sought intimacy and emotional connections that i was missing from someone else.

Hi SB,
It sounds like you have a very good handle on the underlying issues. No question, connections and attactions are mostly lilkely to happen with people outside of a realtionship when you feel something fundamental is missing from that primary relationship.

It sounds like it's not the emotional attraction to someone else you need to question as much as the long-standing relationship.

Originally Posted by stringer belle

but i recently told him that the engagement is pretty much off until i can get my life straight and figure out what i need, who i am as a sober person, etc etc.

This sounds like a really good plan. Have you thought about a physical separation and giving yourself time just for you, to really figure out who you are? A period of celibacy and no relationships can really help to get clear on a lot of things.

best
gf