Argh,so restless!

[clancy]

God, im soooo restless....

Do you guys ever feel like that? I guess everyone must from time to time, but with me its constant....now im bored with school want to do something else.....feel im being funneled into another hole I wont fit... I KNOW id never keep down another job,not an ordinary one... I NEVER fit but there is an obsessive pride about not fitting, and im ashamed to say I feel contemptous of many people I meet, bored of what I see as their narrow world, how poorly read their might be, how lacking in the sort of acute intelligence I vaue...ugh,how did I get like this?

I want to understand everyone, be kind and patient...my partner is like that, I admire him so for it, someone says something stupid and like magic he says something to make what they said seem okay, wise even.He is so compassionate.
And I am so impatient! I am happiest when travelling alone on long journeys through India, where its OKAY to lie in the heat and the filth and just read and read and invent myself anew for everyone I meet...I feel so strong and so alive there, sleep like a baby, eat well, I seem to thrive in the squalor.. I pride myself on never having a bad time...or maybe its just savouring the bad times as much as the good....for me the worst 'bad' is boredom, monotony (jeez i have completely forgotten how to spell that) but then I hear the old chinese curse in my head 'may you live in interesting times' I try to remind myself of that when Im bored....I feel so young and silly still, so immature but still not wanting to grow up, not ever...

I know there are other people who feel the same, wriggly all the time. wriggly, but not wanting to do anything. not anything usual anyway. I just want some huge big adventure. Im never going to change...part of me never wants to change, is very proud of me for my 'difference' and the other half is just horrified, just cringing. Life is SO difficult to make sense of. Ill never do it. Oh , I have little to worry about really, im blessed with so much.just cant stop wriggling. Gawd. You guys feel like this ever?

Hope you guys are all feeling groovy (know its unlikely but I wish you groovy times xx)

[redskittle]

I understand the wriggling. Wanting to do SOMETHING.... ANYTHING, but not doing a damn thing! Whats up with that. I try to keep myself busy but it seems for the last 5 or 6 yrs my addiction was my full time job and then some. I find now ( I have 5 months clean as of yesterday) that I am not using I have lots of time on my hands. Slowly but surely filling that with positive things.
As far as your impatience goes, everyone is different ya' know? Maybe some people are not as smart as yourself but are very kind and friendly, doesn't that count for something? PRINCIPLES BEFORE PERSONALITIES!!!!! Are you working a program? If not you might want to.
For me,living like I was, doing drugs, hurting people, screwing people over was a "narrow world". Now , I look at everyone with a new appreciation for what they have to say.

[2stop]

This was also hardest for me to transcend.......I couldn't be still for anything! or anyone...............Now? I couldn't make it through the day without my quiet, meditation time........I LOVE it now.....doing nothing, and feeling soooo whole and complete is a blessing I found in recovery....and I cherish it.
My favorite day is when there are NO appoinments, nothing on the calendar.......

It took me a very long time to reach this stage..but it can be done!

{{{hugs across the pond!}}}

[Arura]

I too get fijitty, my bf hates it.He says it unsettels his chi...!
which can either make me laugh or cry...? But atleast he puts up with it..?

Im i huge fan of India too, reading you talking of the plains hmmm...!
missing that life too. when you can turn your back and your one in millions,good feeling.Its such a funky place so much differance aswell anytime you want to chat about there just let me know. The memorys are still there...

Take Care Clancy the fijits will pass also...

[clancy]

Aura - ah a fellow indiaphile! I am so happy there.I feel 'right' in tune, in touch with me and my rythyms and with the planet...

I like to live very simply there, The cheapest flophouses, street food.I love to stay with people and have been so lucky to have been the guest of many wonderful indians...I have very good experiences even though I have had malaria twice,dengue fever, and ghastly worms.oh and bitten by a rabid dog! but each has been an adventure, though pretty scary at the time.

I am speaking Hindi well and punjabi a little and a little Tamil and Malaylam as well which made such a humugous difference...I dont get ripped off much for a start. Anyway I could go on about India. I miss her!

Redskittle you are right, of course I should be more tolerant of everyone...Most people I find hard..I look for the ones I think are like me...who I can talk to....I must add that alot of people must find me a nighmare too....I know they do...but I dont really care so much about the people who dont like/understand me much now, lifes too short I guess.I used to want to be liked by everyone.

Im glad you guys get wriggly too.Its gotten worse as I get older not better...I sense the sand running thru the eggtimer I guess...xx

[Arura]

WoW , the language expiriance must be so different.Im a low budget traveller too.!Its better that way you feel the country more.Spent about a year there now just abit over.
Im a train fan there...! { not here i hate them.}
Just sitting in the doorway wachting paradise pass by. It is so harsh but beautiful,in so many ways.
Love going to Goa at the end of the trip.Just to relocate myself.As you said you can get quite lost in India.But in the Best way possiable...

Hum lovly memories Thank Clancy...!

[clancy]

Indian trains are complete bliss! I am at my happiest, I think on the beginning of a long trrip, when I have secured by favorite upperberth in 2nd class non A/C...I have a few good books, and all the time in the world to read, nap and dream.Oh and going for an early morning cigarette sitting down between compartments,with the train doors wide open looking out into the soft,pink dawn and India waking, remember that....? The simplest things, sigh, those have been the very best moments of my life. And being grubby all the time.and banana pancakes.and bhang cookies.washing your knickers in an enamel bowl with scrubbing soap.ahhhh.xx

[Arura]

I Love it, in the river slapping my kniners on a stone to get them dry.Im a 2nd 3rd class Traveller too. It sounds like Victorian England when All the Whaller get onto the trains,Shouting there wares...CHI,CHi whalla CHI,
I always wanted ago at that...!

Its the only place i truely feel FREE. nobody cares who you are,just another.

That early Morning cigiy inbeween the cariages is one of my favorite places to be in the world. I dont mind the dirt either, You get a dab hand at washing in a bucket...! Heres the Ganges... Hmmmm....

[clancy]

Oh Aura!

Youre just makin me worse! I have a free month where I could go in september....how can I raise a grand quickly?

Have you been to the camel fair in Pushkar? Its a gorgeous little town to hang out in for a few weeks, especially if you stay in this guest house, called 'lake view' which is cheap and gorgeous, and has these fabulous rooms, very basic but on one side they look out over the sacred lake - stunning! Its also a 'dry' town they sell no booze at all, its banned.No temptations for the likes of us....and you wake to to people chanting Hare Krishna, and theres gorgeous sunsets over the lake! Thats even without the camel fair which is a truly other wordly spectacle.You feel as if you are living in biblical times.

I want to go sooooomuch! xx

[2stop]

oh girls!!

now I AM restless...with travel fever.......I love to travel, only being able to so far in the states.I look at websites and magazines and my heart literally ACHES to go to some of these places!!!

keep sharing the beauty of the lands you all've travelled too..........oh man! I wanna GO RIGHT NOW *stomps foot...very hard!!!*

Money can be such an obstacle can't it?? That and time..........

[GettingFree]

This thread makes me want to vent. I'm not feeling out of control, just kind of tired and wanting to walk away from responsibility. I want to let loose with a whole lot of "I wish I could's"!

Given a whole lot of reasons in my life right now, I wish I could just take off. I wish I didn't have to give a damn about anyone else, or anything. I wish I could be selfish and self-centred. I wish I had the freedom to do that. I wish I wasn't restrained, I wish I didn't have a stack load of work to get through. I wish I wasn't tied down, stuck, trapped. It kinda feels like that now.

I've spent almost 25 years raising my kids. In and out of marriages and relationships. Lots of stress, lots of grief. I just want to be selfish and getting on a plane seems like a grand way to do that!

okay...tantrum over...thanks!

[Arura]

It sounds too me as if its not that far from you really.AS soon as the kids are setteled, its your time... and then hey money will be no obstical...

I saved for a year once just to go away for 2 mths, But hey what a 2mths.

Sorry if i made things sound flipent.....Just nice to remember the good times, as there arnt many for me,Im working on that now...

[GettingFree]

Thanks for the encouragement Arura. I would love to do that -- save and take off for an extended time. In due course.....!