struggling to feel apart of...... ( does anyone else ever feel like this?)

[spreadingwings]

hi everyone
i have been floating around this website for awhile now, i read some posts, and participate a little. but i'm not feeling "apart of" i seem ot be like this in most areas of life. i want ot get connected to ppol, and feel at home in places, to feel in the middle instead of constantly on the side lines. i just don't seem ot know how to do this. right now, more than ever, i feel very isolated from everything. i have almost three weeks clean. i had 7.5 months clean before, then had a 1 month relapse. it tore me apart. i was living in the city during my clean time and was going to 1-2 meetings a day, i would share in meetings, but at break and in fellowship, i always kinda flaoted around from group to group and didn't really feel connected to anyone. or i would have 1 person that i was TOO connected to and became " attached at the hip" (mostly happened with my sponsers which cause GREAT trouble, but we won't get into that right now) i only spent time with the ppl that one person spent time with. i think i have done that my whole life. i can't seem to feel connected and be just me instead of "someone's little side kick" lol even here , i read posts, but don't know how ot jump in and participate. i never feel like i have anything worth while ot say. does anyone else feel this sometimes? i never feel like i belong. i am hoping to find one or two forums here where i can participate and really get to know the regulars. i go to the chat rooms, in hopes to talk ot ppl more directly, but there is never anyone there. i think this is my third post. i'm not sure. right now, i am living in the middle of nowhere. so i feel isolated. i tried to get clean after my relapse, but struggled. so i moved out here to my mom's place until i get into treatment. i lived out here when i first started my recovery. i was waiting ot get into treatment then too,. we live on the edge of a tiny tiny town ( anyone ever heard of toledo ont? lol it's a blink-and-u-miss-it-town) i manage ot get to two meetings a week in the nearest city ( if that's what u want to call it, it is just a bigger small town lol) so i am getting ot know a few ppl. but it is hard. i don't drive and there is NOTHING to walk to out here. ( well i could walk 10 min and visit the neighbors, unfortunately they have four legs, hooves and give us milk ) dont get me wrong, i LOVE the country! i couldn't stand living in the big city. and have no intentions of going back there. but as i've heard " an addict alone is in bad company" so any suggestions in how to really get active in this forum and get to know ppl would be greatly appreaciate. does anyone else ever feel like they are just observing life and ppl, but never really "in it"? i think this may have been a factor in my relapse. growing up, and really until about two years ago, i was painfully shy. u couldn't get more than two words out of me. no i am better, and actually WANT to take part. i just don't seem ot know how. *sigh* unless someone wants to talk "critters" then i'm all there lol but there is only so long ppl want ot hear about my vast knowledge of everything furry, feathered,or scaley!

[redskittle]

Hey, your definetly not alone on that one! I had been reading for sometime before I FINALLY got up the nerve to post a thread. I thought the same as you as far as not having anything to say that ppl would want to hear. I thought to myself "I will be mortified if nobody replies or reads this!"
Gotta tell you though, right after I started writing it turned into "God, it feels great to say these things ." I can't tell you how good it felt when I did look and people were so supportive and really cared what I had to say. Anyway what time do you try the chat rooms? I can meet you sometime if you want, I love furry and scaly things!!!!

[BigSis]

Hi Spreading wings... that feeling of being on the outside was THE thing alcohol cured for me.

For that problem, alcohol WAS the solution!!! .. until, of course, IT became its own problem.

When I sobered up, I remember walking into a bar with a bunch of friends and family and deciding to CONCIOUSLY be stupid... to act foolish ... to behave as if I was drunk. (Damn, that seems silly now....)... but what I think that was, was my way of conciously allowing myself to be silly. Something I could only do with alcohol before.

Now? Not a problem - I can be stupid and silly with the best of 'em!!! ... most of the time.

I still have those situations where I feel like I've said the wrong thing, been less than honest, tried "too hard".... embarrassed myself. I feel all "fifteen" again (and I am 35 years beyond that!).

But mostly, I DO know what I need to do ... some company, I just need to not be with. I have come to recognize folks that I do NOT need to impress or fit in with, and mostly I can be ok with the decision to not fit... because now I know it is only temporary.

Even here. When I first got here to Sober Recovery, I had already been a long term member on other (types) of online boards. I "knew" about the feeling left out stuff, but it still seemed that I was a "thread closer". My post was always the LAST ONE and no one ever seemed to post after me. So I started posting SOONER in the threads, answering those nearer to the top of the forum, or those with few posts... if my experience or hope could fit in.

And I began to feel "part of"... but it took a little while, it wasn't instantaneous. And just like every time I've felt "left out", there is a part of me that goes immediately into panic mode... that old, "No one will EVER like me" thinking. Bah.

I don't know exactly where it comes from, but I do know that these days *I* win, it doesn't.

Welcome and I wish you the best here at SR!!

[GeorgiaPeach]

It is hard at first because you really don't know where you belong and you can't imagine anyone knowing how you feel and you can't imagine that anything you would have to say would be worth while or helpful but in time you will see that everyone has been where you are and you may have an experience that no one else has had that you can comment on and help another to recover and help yourself in the process. They always tell me, take what you want & leave the rest and that is what I try to do. I try to help and that in turn helps me but that is who I am, I am a mother and I fix things. If I can't fix things then I get depressed which is something that I am working on. I don't worry about the things that I cannot control but I do try & fix things that are not easy to fix and I am working on that as well. Hang in there and just keep posting, you will find that some days you will fit and others you will not as much but it is ok.

GP

[Arura]

I can totally relate to not feeling comfotable in your own skin too.A hard place to be within yourself.I have found it a progressive process,as slowly i learn to love myself, slowly being the word.

Forgiving yourself is a great place to start,when it comes to isolation.

Forgive yourself you deseve that life YOU want...!

[thankful1]

Wow I could really relate to sweetnuff. Totally. A room full of people, yet still feel alone, yep. I am still struggling with the who am i syndrome that drinking took away from me. I hear it comes in time. Some days are better than others but for the most part I have been wondering if I will ever open up and let others see inside of me. I dont think I really knew me at all. Anyone have any idea how long it takes to get comfy, or is it just different for all? I had an oldtimer tell me that my problem is that I dont ask enough questions. I am really trying now to ask, to come out, so to speak. I feel safe here to do that. For me that is strange.

[spreadingwings]

hi everyone, thank u so much for all ur responses. i never "feel at home in my own skin" i can relate to not knowing who i am. i really have no clue. it's so bad, that i don't even know my own opinions on most things. i seem to adopt the attitudes and opinions of whoever i am closest to at the time. i feel like a total chameleon. sometime i feel like i am being fake. i feel flakey cuz i don't seem ot be able ot think for myself! i really don't understand why i am like this. i don't know if i do it to please ppl. i tend to only have one person in my life at a time that i am close to. and i become a part of them, instead of being myself. i don't realize i am doing it until after the relationship has ended (which it ALWAYS does) sometimes i feel like i have to be alone and NOT in any close friendships, because i can't have my own identity when i do. sigh. any of this make any sense?

[Arura]

Try getting some paint, lots of it.! a big canvas ,anything will do, n do what you feel, start finding some things you enjoy n how you like them. BIG small
LOULD or quiet. Discover yourself, wow what an expriance...

Go For It ..

[jema3]

I can totally relate to you, however, over time i felt the desire within me to change that. Earlier this year, i went on a women's retreat with my church (don't worry not going to get all "preachy or religious" lol), but there were some great nuggets of info that i took from the retreat that i wanted to share, all based on Community:

We were not created to be alone, but to be a part of a community

Community = group of people who has something in common & deeply connects them together

While in community, we need to be real, sometimes being real means that we don’t mind getting/being hurt

You have to fight for community, it takes effort

Basin theology – what you and I have to give to the world, not washing our hands of each other, but washing one another’s feet - serving others in a healthy way

In community, there is always we and not me and not about personal gain, what I can get out of it, my preferences or my achievements

Investing in community even when it’s not easy or convenient

Support & care for people when my own timing & resources are limited - of course taking the time to realize that when you feel you need a break, this is ok too!!

Healthy communities are places where people risk being hurt, they learn to appreciate different perspectives, they give up the right to have their own way, they deal w/conflict & we minister to each other

Healthy communities serve others, differ to others & grow together

You see i had to assert myself so that i could get connected, and at the same time got to learn who i was too! Hope that this helps!

[Addict_Dawn]

I know what you mean about not feeling a part of or not fitting in. But then thats what got me getting high to begin with, as long as I had dope I fit in. Now though, I've got a little bit of clean time, this Wednesday I will have 17 mths clean, and its still something at times I find myself struggling with. My sponsor keeps telling me that I need to reach out more, especially to females, but when I first got clean trust issues were a major deal for me. I never got too close to women because they either tried to take my man or my dope. Now that I'm in recovery, I made the decision to move here where I found recovery, instead of moving home. That was very difficult for me because my family is like 2 hrs away. But it came down to choosing my recovery, or moving back home where I learned to get high at. I know they say you can stay clean anywhere if you are commited enough, but I am not at the point yet where I want to take any chances. I felt what you were saying though, because I too have a select few that I can reach out to, feel comfortable enough with to open up, but usually stay in that little "click". Where I feel safe. As I said though, my sponsor has really been after me, and I have honestly been trying. A cpl wks ago I tried, thought I could share with this chick who's always whining about the same thing, so I thought, "Hey, she understands". The very next day our entire conversation was spread all over the block. It really bothered me, let alone hurt my feelings, but made me doubt my judgement still. Am I still such a poor judge of character? Should I just take my toys and go home where at least I know who the jerks are and who to stay away from, instead of stumbling my way around in the dark here, in a town full of strangers? But I now see it for the learning process it was. Some are sicker then others, and I guess she is still fighting her own demons. Those are her issues though, and I don't need to make them my own. I feel at home and a part of in the meetings, and I have trust and believe in my Higher Power today. Each person he places in my path holds a lesson for me to learn. I just have to keep my heart open to see them. I am waiting to go over my 7th step, and I can't stress enough how the steps have helped me. I can accept myself and have found the love and acceptance I always searched for in God. I hope you are working some steps to, in them you will find your freedom.

[BigSis]

Sometimes, I do not feel a part of ... because I am allowing OTHERS to define who I should be.

Discovering what I like, who I am and where I am going is a life long task.

Part of this discovery process is awareness... I can see from your post, you have an awareness about yourself ... you feel "different" from those around you. That is good! We don't need no more cookie cutter people! (smile).

Another part is acceptance. So, you have described that you are incredibly empathetic. I bet, like me, if you sit in a room with a southerner... you take on the accent in less than 30 minutes. If you sit in a room with someone from Great Britain... the accent changes again a half hour later. (Lord help us if we ever get invited to the United Nations conference, eh? grin) Too much of ANY thing is bad... but folks pay big buck to learn HOW to do what we do!! To learn how to intuit what others are thinking, wanting, needing... and we have it "naturally". A sort of "hyperattention" that brings us additional information. Alanon has helped me sort out what to do with some of the information I gain about the world around me, and believe it or not - I've started to believe that my radar can be fallible and to turn it down (if not off) on occassion. It can be done!

Change is the hardest part of my discovery (so far). What I have come to accept is that change happens in microbits... teeny, tiny little bitty changes that seem almost negligible. But they add up over time. I have two years in Alanon, and I am far different from the woman who wanted to drive her car into a bridge... because I was so caught up in my daughter's addiction that HER pain became MY pain and my imagination of HER future became the reality of MY future.... sigh.

I am different. I am better. I am starting to know who I am.

I wish you well.