Zoomer - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

liveweyerd · 02-18-2003, 10:22 AM

Missed you....hope you are okay and hanging in there

Don't you love everybody's spring bouquets!? I was tempted to update my avatar but I am too attached to this poufy witch..and all the zany exhibihionistic symbolisms...

live

Juls · 02-18-2003, 01:14 PM

Hey Zoomer,

Where are you today? Give us a post.

Juls

myles1 · 02-18-2003, 02:41 PM

Zoomer,
Where are you?

Ngaire

DolphinBlue · 02-19-2003, 01:52 AM

Thinking of you...I hope you're doing ok.

Amy

zoomer · 02-19-2003, 05:04 AM

Hi you guys. I must say I feel like sh-it and never in y wole life felt this bad before! GG how can one be so blind to hell on earth! I'm not a happy camper at all. I have no funny stories,except I thought my husband as going to put me into the hospital again, so I hid pictures of me and my son every place on my body. I was afaid that if I wen into the hospital they would have let me back out and I would have to give up my babies. I was afraid that like I did when I first went into recovey that I was never coming back to my babies. I'm still very angry at my husband, I can't pin point it,but I have been holding my self back from him. I did however let him hit my back like the Karrati guy does becauseal my musles are so tence! I'm not happy at all!
Zoomer

zoomer · 02-19-2003, 07:03 AM

Good lord have pity onmy poor stupid soul. I just broke all my ciggeretts and threw out everything, now I have to empty the trash and clean my bathroom cell. I just hope this does not kill me. God keep me strong and please help me all of you. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not. But I want to live, not die from smoking. This is going to be so painful, I'm sure I'll remembe it because i smoked wih all my babies and probiby pass the addiction on to them. I will remembe this and hope I go through so much pain,but I hope it does not kill me!
Zoomer

liveweyerd · 02-19-2003, 07:25 AM

Zoomer,

?????
Are you at home or in a hospital> I you referred to a bathroom cell?

Let's talk?

Juls · 02-19-2003, 10:08 PM

Zoomer,

I'm sorry to hear your feeling so badly. Is there something in particular that's causing you to feel this way? Does it just come on really intensly and then go away, like a cyclical thing?

I'm glad to see you still posting. If I can be of any help, please let me know.

Juls

zoomer · 02-20-2003, 05:19 AM

Hey Well f--c a duck in june if I don't still feel like crap. no I'm not in a hospital and the cell is my bathroom off my bed room where I go smoke so I don't smoke around everyone,my ciggerets ar my addiction at the moment along with coffee,but I'm trying to cut down. GG I talked to my husband last night about every thing,well not EVERYTHING! I told him that being married to him is killing me and how too that he deserves to have someone love him with their whole heart. I told him I'm not sure what we are going to do,but I told him that I wanted a divorse. He yelled I made so much money last year,and I said it's not the money,it's just not wanting to be with you. He said "you never be happy anyplace" and i said I know,but happiness comes from each moment. Ugh,I hate being stuck. I'm addicted to every dam thing and it's like I have to move around and keep reaching for what I do not know,but it's not here. And trust me when I say Iv looked into myself to find what I want or to love myself, but I just don't think that a person can love them selves all by themselves.

Paulie · 02-20-2003, 09:51 AM

Zoom -

I disagree (my opinion). For me I had to love myself first before I could love Paul. I had to forgive myself for everything I had done in the past, I had to forgive others for what they had done to me. Until I did that I did not feel worthy of love from anyone else or from myself. I don't want to preach to you, but I know you believe in God. I had to believe in my heart that God puts us all here for a reason. My parents had 4 children, 3 were planned, the 4th me, was not. Try and convince someone who was told as a child by her brother and sister that she was not planned/wanted that she was a mistake that she is worth something. I don't blame them for that, they were kids and kids say mean things, they have their own issues and we are all close today as adults. But I had to come to terms with the fact that I was an accident, not a mistake. Sounds silly, but that was a big deal for me. Maybe my parents did not plan for me to be here, but God did, so I was born.

When I was in rehab, on the wall right at the foot of my bed I had to hang a sign that said "It just happened" cause every morning when I did my writing about all the crap I had done to people over the years, I would get really upset and feel like a horrible person not worthy of love, I had to remember that al that stuff happened and it could not be changed, but what I can change is today and tomorrow, by not doing what I did before. Does that make any sense to you.

No one know but you if you should get a divorce or not. But I do know that whatever your decision is it should be based on how you feel about your husband and your marriage, not how you feel about yourself. With the way my self image goes up and down if I based my staying with Paul on that, we would not be together now. but he could not love me if I did not love myself first.

Does any of this make sense to you? I hope so.
Okay, now I am going to preach. What about that gratitide list i suggested, and don't tell me that you have nothing to be grateful for. You woke up this morning, I am sure at least one of your kids, if not all (I know kids depending on their moods, especially the older ones LOL) smiled at you...that is a really big thing to be grateful for. I knw you think it is stupid, but it works, I promise you that. It will help you to remember what good you have, us humans tend to forget the good and only think of the bad.

Zoomer I would not be sitting here typing all this if I did not care about you, so see there is another thing for your gratitude list. Someone in CA who you have never even met cares about you.

Take care zoomer and give yourself a break today.

myles1 · 02-20-2003, 01:36 PM

Hi Zoomer,

You are sounding a bit under the weather this past week. One thing in A.A we talk about is make no big decisions the first year of sobriety and that also goes for feeling the way you obviously are. Why don't you wait until you are abit more on top of things before talking divorce?

Sometimes when we are empty inside we are looking for something to fill us up. Your husband can't do that for you, you have to for yourself, I agree with what Pauline said. It's important to look in ourselves and deal with inside other wise we'll never be happy anywhere as your husband said.

Ngaire

Juls · 02-20-2003, 01:57 PM

I grew up too being told I was unwanted, no good, all kinds of horrible stuff. My mom and dad divorced when I was an infant, and I never remember my mom telling me she loved me, being affectionate with me, or anything nurturing.

I used to wonder how a person can learn to love themselves if they were never loved as a child growing up. When I was in my 20's I came up with this visualization exercise that I use to do with myself. I would imagine myself as my own mother, and myself as an infant. I would visualize myself rocking myself, cuddling myself, telling myself that I loved me, that I would always take care of me, I would always be there for me, (is this making any sense?)

Many times I would be crying over the fact the my own mother could not love me the way I deserved to be loved, but this visualization process I did I think really helped me understand how to learn to love myself. I had to go through a process of really grieving the rejection I experienced at the hands of my family too.

With my own children I am very loving and nurturing. Last Monday my 26 year old son came and took my 6 year old daughter out to the zoo for the day. I was laying down reading when they came back. My son came in the bedroom, sat on the bed and layed down with his head on my chest. I hugged him while he told me about their day. I feel really good that my son and I can have this nurturing relationship together. I could never have that with my own mother.

Juls

Paulie · 02-20-2003, 02:00 PM

Juls -

that is truly a gift of sobriety!

Juls · 02-20-2003, 02:21 PM

Your right Pauline,

It's things like that, (despite whatever struggles and difficulties I may have), that help me realize that my life has meaning, and that I didn't carry on the pattern on abuse and neglect to my own children. I raised (with God's help), a very healthy young man.

Juls

DolphinBlue · 02-20-2003, 05:06 PM

Zoomer,

I do like Pauline's suggestion of a gratitude list very much and if I remember correctly, you were the person on this site who gave me so much hope when I thought I could never handle having kids because I was scared that I would neglect them like I was neglected. You said that you give your children the love you never had and made me realise that I could do the same.

Give yourself a break.

Amy

02-18-2003, 10:22 AM	#1 (permalink)
liveweyerd Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: central Florida Posts: 7,289 Blog Entries: 5	Zoomer Missed you....hope you are okay and hanging in there Don't you love everybody's spring bouquets!? I was tempted to update my avatar but I am too attached to this poufy witch..and all the zany exhibihionistic symbolisms... live

02-19-2003, 01:52 AM	#4 (permalink)
DolphinBlue Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Australia Posts: 622	Zoomer Thinking of you...I hope you're doing ok. Amy

02-20-2003, 09:51 AM	#10 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,525	Zoom - I disagree (my opinion). For me I had to love myself first before I could love Paul. I had to forgive myself for everything I had done in the past, I had to forgive others for what they had done to me. Until I did that I did not feel worthy of love from anyone else or from myself. I don't want to preach to you, but I know you believe in God. I had to believe in my heart that God puts us all here for a reason. My parents had 4 children, 3 were planned, the 4th me, was not. Try and convince someone who was told as a child by her brother and sister that she was not planned/wanted that she was a mistake that she is worth something. I don't blame them for that, they were kids and kids say mean things, they have their own issues and we are all close today as adults. But I had to come to terms with the fact that I was an accident, not a mistake. Sounds silly, but that was a big deal for me. Maybe my parents did not plan for me to be here, but God did, so I was born. When I was in rehab, on the wall right at the foot of my bed I had to hang a sign that said "It just happened" cause every morning when I did my writing about all the crap I had done to people over the years, I would get really upset and feel like a horrible person not worthy of love, I had to remember that al that stuff happened and it could not be changed, but what I can change is today and tomorrow, by not doing what I did before. Does that make any sense to you. No one know but you if you should get a divorce or not. But I do know that whatever your decision is it should be based on how you feel about your husband and your marriage, not how you feel about yourself. With the way my self image goes up and down if I based my staying with Paul on that, we would not be together now. but he could not love me if I did not love myself first. Does any of this make sense to you? I hope so. Okay, now I am going to preach. What about that gratitide list i suggested, and don't tell me that you have nothing to be grateful for. You woke up this morning, I am sure at least one of your kids, if not all (I know kids depending on their moods, especially the older ones LOL) smiled at you...that is a really big thing to be grateful for. I knw you think it is stupid, but it works, I promise you that. It will help you to remember what good you have, us humans tend to forget the good and only think of the bad. Zoomer I would not be sitting here typing all this if I did not care about you, so see there is another thing for your gratitude list. Someone in CA who you have never even met cares about you. Take care zoomer and give yourself a break today. __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

02-20-2003, 02:00 PM	#13 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,525	Juls - that is truly a gift of sobriety! __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

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02-18-2003, 01:14 PM	#2 (permalink)
Juls Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: California, USA Posts: 1,101	Hey Zoomer, Where are you today? Give us a post. Juls

02-18-2003, 02:41 PM	#3 (permalink)
myles1 Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec Posts: 797	Zoomer, Where are you? Ngaire

02-19-2003, 05:04 AM	#5 (permalink)
zoomer Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: It's raining again! Posts: 2,356	Hi you guys. I must say I feel like sh-it and never in y wole life felt this bad before! GG how can one be so blind to hell on earth! I'm not a happy camper at all. I have no funny stories,except I thought my husband as going to put me into the hospital again, so I hid pictures of me and my son every place on my body. I was afaid that if I wen into the hospital they would have let me back out and I would have to give up my babies. I was afraid that like I did when I first went into recovey that I was never coming back to my babies. I'm still very angry at my husband, I can't pin point it,but I have been holding my self back from him. I did however let him hit my back like the Karrati guy does becauseal my musles are so tence! I'm not happy at all! Zoomer

02-19-2003, 07:03 AM	#6 (permalink)
zoomer Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: It's raining again! Posts: 2,356	Good lord have pity onmy poor stupid soul. I just broke all my ciggeretts and threw out everything, now I have to empty the trash and clean my bathroom cell. I just hope this does not kill me. God keep me strong and please help me all of you. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not. But I want to live, not die from smoking. This is going to be so painful, I'm sure I'll remembe it because i smoked wih all my babies and probiby pass the addiction on to them. I will remembe this and hope I go through so much pain,but I hope it does not kill me! Zoomer

02-19-2003, 07:25 AM	#7 (permalink)
liveweyerd Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: central Florida Posts: 7,289 Blog Entries: 5	Zoomer, ????? Are you at home or in a hospital> I you referred to a bathroom cell? Let's talk?

02-19-2003, 10:08 PM	#8 (permalink)
Juls Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: California, USA Posts: 1,101	Zoomer, I'm sorry to hear your feeling so badly. Is there something in particular that's causing you to feel this way? Does it just come on really intensly and then go away, like a cyclical thing? I'm glad to see you still posting. If I can be of any help, please let me know. Juls

02-20-2003, 05:19 AM	#9 (permalink)
zoomer Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: It's raining again! Posts: 2,356	Hey Well f--c a duck in june if I don't still feel like crap. no I'm not in a hospital and the cell is my bathroom off my bed room where I go smoke so I don't smoke around everyone,my ciggerets ar my addiction at the moment along with coffee,but I'm trying to cut down. GG I talked to my husband last night about every thing,well not EVERYTHING! I told him that being married to him is killing me and how too that he deserves to have someone love him with their whole heart. I told him I'm not sure what we are going to do,but I told him that I wanted a divorse. He yelled I made so much money last year,and I said it's not the money,it's just not wanting to be with you. He said "you never be happy anyplace" and i said I know,but happiness comes from each moment. Ugh,I hate being stuck. I'm addicted to every dam thing and it's like I have to move around and keep reaching for what I do not know,but it's not here. And trust me when I say Iv looked into myself to find what I want or to love myself, but I just don't think that a person can love them selves all by themselves.

02-20-2003, 01:36 PM	#11 (permalink)
myles1 Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec Posts: 797	Hi Zoomer, You are sounding a bit under the weather this past week. One thing in A.A we talk about is make no big decisions the first year of sobriety and that also goes for feeling the way you obviously are. Why don't you wait until you are abit more on top of things before talking divorce? Sometimes when we are empty inside we are looking for something to fill us up. Your husband can't do that for you, you have to for yourself, I agree with what Pauline said. It's important to look in ourselves and deal with inside other wise we'll never be happy anywhere as your husband said. Ngaire

02-20-2003, 01:57 PM	#12 (permalink)
Juls Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: California, USA Posts: 1,101	I grew up too being told I was unwanted, no good, all kinds of horrible stuff. My mom and dad divorced when I was an infant, and I never remember my mom telling me she loved me, being affectionate with me, or anything nurturing. I used to wonder how a person can learn to love themselves if they were never loved as a child growing up. When I was in my 20's I came up with this visualization exercise that I use to do with myself. I would imagine myself as my own mother, and myself as an infant. I would visualize myself rocking myself, cuddling myself, telling myself that I loved me, that I would always take care of me, I would always be there for me, (is this making any sense?) Many times I would be crying over the fact the my own mother could not love me the way I deserved to be loved, but this visualization process I did I think really helped me understand how to learn to love myself. I had to go through a process of really grieving the rejection I experienced at the hands of my family too. With my own children I am very loving and nurturing. Last Monday my 26 year old son came and took my 6 year old daughter out to the zoo for the day. I was laying down reading when they came back. My son came in the bedroom, sat on the bed and layed down with his head on my chest. I hugged him while he told me about their day. I feel really good that my son and I can have this nurturing relationship together. I could never have that with my own mother. Juls

02-20-2003, 02:21 PM	#14 (permalink)
Juls Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: California, USA Posts: 1,101	Your right Pauline, It's things like that, (despite whatever struggles and difficulties I may have), that help me realize that my life has meaning, and that I didn't carry on the pattern on abuse and neglect to my own children. I raised (with God's help), a very healthy young man. Juls

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02-20-2003, 05:06 PM	#15 (permalink)
DolphinBlue Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Australia Posts: 622	Zoomer, I do like Pauline's suggestion of a gratitude list very much and if I remember correctly, you were the person on this site who gave me so much hope when I thought I could never handle having kids because I was scared that I would neglect them like I was neglected. You said that you give your children the love you never had and made me realise that I could do the same. Give yourself a break. Amy