More depressed than I can remember being.

[kali ma]

Day 10 and I am miserable. Yesterday, I was on the way to my father’s house to go shopping with him for my uncle’s memorial service, which is Sunday. I had the most intense craving I have had yet. I wouldn’t even characterize it as a craving. It seemed like a deep yearning for my beloved vodka. I imagined the martini glass, the tiny ice crystals on top, and the warm tingly feeling I got every first sip. I wanted it so desperately. All I could think was that all I had to do was stop at the package store coming up…no one would know. I kept relating it to losing a loved one (since I was on my way to plan my uncle’s memorial service) and missing it so desperately. Except, all I had to do to get it back was go to the package store. I cried, and cried, and cried. I realized that I was truly in mourning of my best friend. My vodka was always there for me, when I was happy, sad, depressed, stressed, relieved, anxious…the list goes on and on. SO many things popped into my head. “Sit with the feelings.” I remember in “Drinking: A Love Story,” she talks about drinking so that you don’t have to feel uncomfortable in your own skin. “Sit with your feelings.” “This too, shall pass,” “This too, shall pass,” “This too, shall pass,” “This too, shall pass,” “This too, shall pass.” I was so depressed. I bought a huge thing of iced tea, bought some earrings, and tried to get my mind off of it. After a long time, it went away, but I am still incredibly depressed for the first time since I stopped drinking. I want a drink so bad, and I am so angry that I have this ****ing disease. I just want a drink. I am so mad that other people can drink when they want, and I can’t.

I quit drinking the day after I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. I hadn’t talked to him since, and I called him on Tuesday to tell him about my new sobriety. He didn’t call me back. I was heart-broken. He was my best friend, and now he won’t call me. I called him last night because I needed to talk to him, and he was so cold to me. We broke up on good terms (so I thought) and now I am even more depressed that I have apparently lost my best friend in the meantime. I want a drink. “Sit with the feelings.”

[51anna]

Oh Kali,

This is a bumpy road we are on, really bumpy sometimes. The cravings will be there for awhile, but you are stronger than they are. Each time you beat a craving, you become stronger. Things will get better.

As for your boyfriend - you have no control over that. There are so many things that we want to make work in our lives and we just can't. You might be able to communicate with your ex b/f via email and express your feelings about losing his friendship. If you feel like the relationship can be saved, maybe you should tell him how you feel. But, have no expectations. You have no control over where he is in his life right now and his reasons for not wanting to be close with you. Understanding what we can and cannot control is one of the hardest lessons to learn.

[laurie6781]

Ahhh yes, remember those days very well Katie. It was then, early in my sobriety, with emotions all over the place, and one day depression and one day manic, etc that I became very GRATEFUL FOR THE FELLOWSHIP OF AA.

Not because of any "recovery program." Just the FELLWSHIP where not only was I making new friendships with people that understood, but getting phone numbers of people that I COULD CALL ANYTIME DAY OR NIGHT, who would understand, who had been where I was, or was there at the same time.

The fellowship was what KEPT ME GOING during those early days. Not program. not the 12 steps, JUST THE PEOPLE.

Just what worked for me.

Your depression will pass. Please keep posting and venting here. It not only does you some good, it does US SOME GOOD too.

Love and hugs,

[PaperDolls]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so badly Kali. It sounds to me like you're doing exactly what you need to be doing. Continue to be strong, continue to post here, vent away......it WILL pass. I promise you it will. You're best friend right now is YOU. Be selfish and take of yourself.

I'm so proud of you for your 10-days of sobriety so far. Just think how great you will feel after another 10?!

~doll

[Hope]

That is exactly what I am going through!! I can relate to you so much. It definitely isn't easy but I keep hearing that it does get better. I just feel like screaming today. For some reason, I am really missing margaritas and martinis and I think that is especially because it is summer and this was my favorite time to drink them. I keep feeling like I'm not supposed to be missing the drinks as I am, but I guess it is somewhat normal. We can just hang in there together and we'll get through this.

Just no drinking today. Let's not even think about tomorrow. Just for today, we don't have to drink.

[mygirls_mylife]

Im sorry for what your going through. I really have no words of wisdom, as I expect tonight to my worst night yet. Im day 4 and its Friday NIGHT! BUT, we shall overcome. I know, I too think about why cant I have just one drink like other people. Unfortunately, we cant. BE STRONG!!!!

[Lollipop]

Today has been horrid!!!! I posted a different post in the cafe if anyone wants details but lets just say I am with you!!!! I am sick and tired of this headache (had it since about the 4th day) and with everything going on.......Im fighting with all I have not to touch alcohol..........I keep telling myself it will pass but instead, its getting worse as the day goes on........and I am mad as Hell because I have always considered myself to be strong..............DAMN this disease!!!!!!!!
Liss

[CarolD]

Of course you are upset....
Your uncle died
Your last lover is disinterested
You miss the vodka haze.

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

is something for you to know about.

Tomorrrow you will feel a little better
as long as you stay in focus and sober.

That is where AA can help..

[CarolD]

From my files and my personal experience..

Cravings....

In early recovery . I timed my cravings.
Mine were 5/7 minutes in duration.
I can overcome most things for that short time!

I took action during that space.
Brushing my teeth...eating a Lifesaver...drinking water
(notice the oral connection?)

The longer I stayed sober they lessened in both frequency and intensity.

Keep going forward...

[kj0975]

Kali I understand what your going through. Although my drug of choice was hydrocodone. It seems whenever anything goes wrong in my life I want to run to the pill bottle and make it all better. When my grandma passed I relapsed and have fighting it since. You will truly be angry with yourself if you drink you will feel disappointed in yourself and you will feel weak. It wont make anything better that I can assure you of. Well at least that was how I felt when I relapsed and I thought oh I can take one pill but thats not in my blood I needed to take alot more and more and more. I have also learned that although I can control many things in my life I cannot control the pills they control me. I also know exactly how you feel about your ex I have gone through that too and nothing else hurts like being rejected by someone who knows you almost as good as you know yourself. You open yourself up to them and spend 2yrs of your life with them and for them to be mean and cold is something I dont think I can never understand. Maybe its because they dont want to feel the pain either and when they talk to you it opens up the feelings they once had too and its just too hard. I have tried to be friends with ex's and think that I can still depend on them like I have in the past to be there to talk to and to listen to me and help me, but when I needed them I always got the cold shoulder and just ended up feeling hurt and pushed aside. So I dont do that anymore. Time will heal everything! I wish you luck and this too shall pass! Stay strong and you will beat this disease! KJ

[CarolD]

..YooHoo...Katie

Pkease check in with your recovery sisters!

[midgetcop]

About the boyfriend, just my two cents, but distance is probably the best thing right now. Even though he was your best friend, there are obviously other feelings/emotions involved, and that's not the roller-coaster ride that you need right now. Trust me, I've tried to stay friends with ex-lovers, and it has never worked, not unless it's a looooooooong time after and we have both moved on emotionally.

I know you'll get through this crappy time. We're all in the same boat as you.

[NYCGirl]

I am feeling for you, or as myn students would say "I feel you", Day 16 here and the craving, the yern for the appletini or just a chilled are hammering at me like hail stones in a July storm. Just ask your self which are better days the last 10 or the 10 before.

Can't help you with the boy friend I have one of those husband things and boy is he being a jerk today.

[Lollipop]

Katie

How are you holding up today hun?????
Love Liss

[kali ma]

Thanks to all of you for your wonderful support. I am on day 14, and the cravings seem to have abated drastically. It was that one day (Day9) that the cravings were unbareable. I was so upset with my ex that I went over to his house to talk about how hurt I was, and he told me that he just needed time because he still had feelings for me. I just don't know why he couldn't just say that in the beginning instead of being cold.

I am so much more energetic now that I'm not hung over every morning...I'm sure you can all relate. Thanks again for the support.