Today

[PaperDolls]

As of today I have been sober for 198 days. It feels good and even though I've had my moments I know that I won't drink again. At least for today.....tomorrow I'll wake up and start over.

So that's all good -- I just still feel like something is off. I don't really feel happy. I feel like I'm just in my head all the time. I still don't know how to identify how I am feeling about things (anything). Usually it's just anger that I show. I think I just sort of feel sad. I have no idea why. Every once and a while I still think of stupid things I've done in my past and I still have guilt for lots of it. I'm not sure how to get over guilt. I'm sort of an "it is what it is" type of person. I know I can't change the past and I need to just move on. But how? I've been with my partner for almost 8 years now and there are things in my past that she doesnt even know about, not that I have any big secrets in the closet, but I tend to lie by omission. I've especially been thinking about the lying thing after a post by amymarie. Lying by omission -- sure makes me feel better.

I think I'm rambling. I'll be done now.

~doll

[GwenMarie30]

Hi Doll,
I havent been around as much as Id like, but I caught this post and wanted to tell you to be easier on yourself. As in refrence to the lieing by omission part, the only thing i can think of right now is I am assuming your referring to the 12 steps regarding making amends? Im not sure. But in regards to that and your girlfriend, sometime to make amends may cause more damage. If you are still uncomfortable with that, then tell her the things you think she needs to know. Trust is a big issue in a relationship. Maybe she will be angry or hurt at first but she will know that at least you are completly honest. She will remember that. Im sure others with alot more insight and wisdom here on SR can give you better advice than I can. I also wanted to tell you congrats on the 198 days sober!

[PaperDolls]

Thanks Gwen! Actually - I'm not a 12 stepper so that's not what I was referring to. The things in my past are just that, in the past. The things that I'm ashamed of during our relationship, she knows. I keep thinking of the stuff before I even knew her. Sometimes I just think, damn if she knew that she probably wouldn't have liked me so much. You know. *shrug*

I'm just not sure why I'm feeling sad. I don't know.

[amymarie]

Hi Doll,
Do you know how many of your posts I have read that made me smile? Sometimes when I am feeling a bit off...I go back and read my own older posts or someone else's that make me feel good.
You need to keep your chin up and try to find the answer of what to do. Its inside of you already...
I love ya and I hope you find happiness today!

[c'est la vie]

Don't be too hard on yourself about your past. What's done is done and it made you who you are today. It's what you have to work with right now. You have ABSOLUTELY no power to change it, so let it go.

I've done some really bad things in my past that my husband doesn't know about and he never will because it will never come up. You're not lying if there is not a question to which you are not answering truthfully.

I hope you get to feeling better and find a way to let the past remain there.

[51anna]

I had a big problem with guilt and shame when I stopped drinking too. It took me years to begin to get over it. And, there are still things that my husband doesn't know about and I don't have a problem with that at all. It would do absolutely no good to bring up at this point. In fact, for me, I feel like it would be just to ease my mind and for no other purpose. I don't lie anymore and if he asked me about something I would tell him. But, there's no need to bring it up.

A very beautiful and wise women who was on this forum when I arrived told me (several times because I didn't want to get it) to journal. It was SO hard to get started and stick with it. She suggested I write until I felt like I was done. I wrote every awful thing that came into my head and I hated looking at it on paper. But, it took away the guilt. It really did. And, after I was finished, many months later, I burned the journal and breathed a sigh of freedom and relief.

[c'est la vie]

You burned it???? In my crazed mind it would mean that I now have to remember it again since the documentation was gone. I like the idea of journaling too and I've written a lot of things that seem painful. I haven't written all of it though, because like you said, it hurts to read about it. It makes it too real, but it really helps.

PD, I completely agree that telling your gf only serves your own needs (to get it out) and does not contribute to a healthy relationship. You can get it out on paper and it serves the same purpose.

[PaperDolls]

Thank you for the replies everyone.....just FYI, I have no intention of "coming clean" of all these things to my girlfriend. I agree with what you say about it just serving my needs and I really just don't want to go there with her. She is much more conservative than I am.......we see just about everything differently.

I guess what is bothering me most is:

I just still feel like something is off. I don't really feel happy. I feel like I'm just in my head all the time. I still don't know how to identify how I am feeling about things (anything). Usually it's just anger that I show. I think I just sort of feel sad. I have no idea why.

It's the not knowing part that drives me crazy. Like - how do I know how I feel? How do I express it (without letting it build to anger)? How do I know who I am? How do I know what I should be doing?

Really yucky questions.