Morning Terrors

[clancy]

Hi Guys,

Im struggling right now. I havent been posting cause I dont seem to move on...have nothing new to say... but right now I have been wanting to get clean like never before....I hav been trying...so hard....I have been making about 5 days,a week then I fall. I CANNOT take the depression that come with trying to quit. Last week I thought my head was gonna burst with hating myself, and I climbed to the top of the multi storey car park and just looked down into the abyss.....I wouldnt jump....But I could feel the pull allright, its where people round here go, when they wanna 'go'.Ive actually seen someone go off here....I wouldnt go myself, but for some reason I wanted to look down...it was almost comforting. But I went home and had some poppy tea instead...soon felt better/wondered what the fuss was about etc. But every morning I wake up, feeling quite content for a moment then my hard drive kicks in, and I feel abject despair. I usually get a grip in a few moments but those moments are hell...

I have been seriously looking at my options lately...

Another go at home detox....Its too hard forme.....to many failures

If I go to my Dr it will be the meth line for me, and down the social scale.

Rehab costs £30000 just for 5 days! cant seehow that would bemuch good anyhow?

also my partner is addicted too, he cant go anywhere near a GP, we would lose our income....he works really hard to keep us above water...

There seems no hope right now, an im really struggling to get through the days sometimes.... I do, but im tired...I want to be normal....I need a hug girls....xxx

[c'est la vie]

I don't normally check in on the Women's group, but I'm glad I did today since I can see you could use a hug.

There is always hope. It may be hard to see through the cloud of addiction and despair, but it's there. I don't know what to tell you since I don't really know your situation, but if you keep trying and looking for answers, one day you'll find it (and it's not at the top of a car park!!!)

I'll say a prayer for you this morning.

[clancy]

im just hanging out here waiting or someone to talk too.... seems i tried everything y'know? why cant I get clean? Are there any other UK people out there who know a way out of opiate addiction( opium tea an tramadol ) I tried NA (5 scary old guys on court orders) AA didnt really fit in, not an alky, they sure seem to look down on addicts....maybe its being able to think, 'well at least I dont do drugs' or something anyway, really cliquey. Im at Uni right now, on summer break, kicking my heels....have loads o work which I cant get down to..(have ADHD!)not good at 'work' (its the hyper, aggressive,type that boys usually get - most people drive me nuts, I only really get on with other misfits...) am tapping my fingers here...most of you are snoozing in the USA I guess...love you all girls...

[clancy]

Oh...someone answered...thank you...Its good to know someone is there x

[Arura]

Mornin Ladys, hi c'est ,i hope your feeling beeter today...?
hi Clancey, yep is does get rough sometimes......i do hope things
settle down for you.....as i remember ,just how difficult it can be at
times..

It sounds like yesterday was a tough one for a few people...
must be the moon......glad its today...!

I didnt drink for 2 days now....so hope fully its the start of control around
that one....?
BIG SR HUGS to ALL the surrportive , amazing stronge women/men ive
been gratful to share with.
Thank you

[c'est la vie]

Yep we're here. I have a hard time in my mornings too when all the US is asleep and I'm struggling to get my day started right. Good thing that there are a few people "over here" and of course there are the people who work late shift and log on after work (my morning). It's tough when it's quiet here.

You're not alone Clancy.

[Arura]

Thats so true . when i wake up everyones loging off, nevermind .
have to try n srport each other though.....but its quiet in the mornin on SR,
well for us on the other side of the pond...

Wishing you the best Clancey. TRy a meeting maybe..?

[c'est la vie]

Clancy, you still there?
I'm going to have to leave soon but I wanted to try to stay here as long as I could.
I'm off to a meeting today. I just can't do this anymore on my own. It's hurting my brain too much. We need each other more than you can probably imagine. Oh and by the way I'm an alky and never look down on people addicted to other things. I was lucky to kick cigs and pot with no problem. none. So why am I cursed with not being able to stop drinking?? Who knows.

[liveweyerd]

Hey, Clancy!
Glad to see you!
I am de-toxing from benzos with medical supervision. It is going very well.
The more I read around here, the easier it gets. It appears to me that the opiates are one of the things that people struggle hardest with. I suggest you get to know some of them.
I know you can do this.
hugs,
from the wee hours of this side of the pond.

live

[clancy]

Hi girls,
thanks for being there for me...its always such a rough time before the sun comes up...that hour before dawn really is the darkest...I wonder why? It seems my life is just passing by so quickly,and im STILL struggling.I find it SO hard to get things done for example...my schoolwork, im so behind, I have to use summer break to catch up...yet, oh my, to get going is so hard.

Yes,Opiates are so horrible to get off...its because they create this awful hole in their wake I guess, every thing is so (artificially) nice when you are high, I can concentrate better, listen better,etc seems like Im a better person.....only im starting to see thru that one a little now...my partner pointed out I was slurring my speech and nodding the other day....I was horrified. Acting like a proper junky...Ive always prided myself on being smart, clean and nicely turned out, so that really freaked me....yet Ive noticed he does it too sometimes, and I HATE to see it, he is such a clever, gentle, proud guy he shouldnt be getting into that state...I feel its my fault of course,he fell from being with me...sigh..also lately I have the urge only to eat sweet things...sugar,sugar and more sugar..I think this is connected to opiate addiction,but im not sure.

Oh well, I feel a bit better now.. thanks for being there girls. Its nice to know there are UK girls out there too, so a big HI to you guys!
love clanc xx

[51anna]

It's good to see you Clancy. I always like it when you drop by.

[GettingFree]

Hi Clanc,

Good to hear from you but sorry you're going through a tough time. It seems like a visit to the Dr may be a wise thing -- social scale be damned. It's what's good for you that counts Clanc!

I'm going to ask someone who's a regular on the F&F forum and lives in the U.K. if she might check in here. She seems to know her way around U.K. social services a whole lot and may have some helpful info.

hang in!
gf

[kali ma]

Hi Clancy. I am new here. I'm sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. FYI I don't look down on people who are addicted to other substances...an addiction is an addiction. You're in my thoughts.

[equus]

Hey there!!

I'm in the UK too! I agree with the above that your Dr is a good place to start, they do have rehab that's on the NHS and if you're open about the feelings you've had I think you MAY be able to access mental health services. It's not scary, in fact as far as MH is concerned they under-react rather than over react, but it is a great place to start accessing some help.

You said your hubby couldn't go to the docs? I don't know if this will help but when my hubby went for help with alcohol his Dr was very supportive, far from anything that meant he would lose his job the Dr did all he could to support it (he lost that one anyway but now has another BETTER job). Dr's are bound by very strict confidentiality laws and there are few exceptions where they are able to pass any information on.

Have you tried ringing UK helplines? They can be an exccellent way to get pointed in the right direction for help and stuff like free counselling. I know the UK drinkiline is ace but don't know drug ones (I can't look from work really either!). Try googling DAAT and Reading that should lead to some numbers - remember you don't have to give your name over the phone and information will only ever help, it'll always be up to you what you do with it.

Most UK services have 'gatekeepers' they are GP's, DAAT workers and sometimes those working in the voluntary sector - Samaritans would be able to let you know who in your area can refer when needed.

Don't give up....

We went through hell last year - this year is heaven, more than I could have dreamed.

[equus]

This is from Reading council website... Remember helplines are anonymous.

Community Safety
Drugs & Alcohol Services
Reading can offer a number of support services for people affected by drugs and alcohol including:

counselling, advice and support for people affected by prescribed or illicit drugs
support and counselling for families, friends and colleagues of people who have a drug related problem
needle and syringe exchange
support for you through your GP if prescribing is going to be helpful in dealing with your drug problem
community detoxification programmes and in-patient detox if appropriate
education and training about drugs issues
alternative therapies
For help and advice with drugs and alcohol please call 0118 939 0823 or the 24/7 helpline 0800 028 6665

Other sources of help
The National Drugs Helpline is a 24-hour, seven-days a week, free and confidential telephone service that offers advice and information for those who are concerned, or have questions, about drugs. The service is available to anyone.
Call on 0800 77 66 00

Re-Solv Helpline (volatile substance misuse) Telephone enquiry service for anyone concerned about solvents or volatile substance abuse problems.
Call on 0808 800 2345

[clancy]

Um Equs,,

There is a very good reson why we cant get in touch with any of these people, but im not gonna say as im having a huge paranoia attack...it was really kind of you to post those details, but could I ask that you dont mention the name of my town again? I know im going to sound paranoid saying that as I displayed it in the(very recent!) past ,but now have suddenly realised how careless ive been and how easily we could be I.D'ed. Eeeeek. I will PM you. clanc.xx

[2stop]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Clancy}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[equus]

Originally Posted by clancy

Um Equs,,

There is a very good reson why we cant get in touch with any of these people, but im not gonna say as im having a huge paranoia attack...it was really kind of you to post those details, but could I ask that you dont mention the name of my town again? I know im going to sound paranoid saying that as I displayed it in the(very recent!) past ,but now have suddenly realised how careless ive been and how easily we could be I.D'ed. Eeeeek. I will PM you. clanc.xx

No problem - I can't edit because I'm out of time but if you ask a mod I'm sure they'll remove the local info leaving the national. At least you know they are there and able to help which is about all I can offer. If things change and this concern becomes greater than the worries which hold you back it's good to know your well able to get services free.

Take care of yourself but maybe remember it is a choice - one which is yours and should be absolutely respected but it isn't a 'can't' - it's a choice because you know your own life and what matters most to you. I personally won't mess with that 'cos I'm not you, I don't have to live with the consequences of someone elses choice so I don't want to make them for anyone else!!

Be good to yourself...

[indigo]

((((((Little sis)))))
You are in my heart sending positive thought's for you sweetie.
hugs big sis.

[GettingFree]

How are you doing Clancy?

[clancy]

Im OK, I guess.Life goes on. Not much seems to change. My life is good really, I just panic sometimes as I dont feel normal....allthough along time ago when I was kid, I decided I never wanted to be normal! be careful of what you wish for eh?

I think, sometimes it is just pressure from society to be all the things im not, I should be working not at school at my age, I should have had kids, I should be clean...There is huge pressure to be all these things....

I look at my friends who have gotten clean and see they are less happy than me....one is so depressed she can hardly raise her head, another is beaten by her husband but refuses to leave. now she is addicted to violence. I see sobriety isnt a magic formula for happiness.

I have a nice house, it is my own, a loving partner i am doing wanted I wanted to do....I dont know why I feel always restless, always wary. I long to travel again, long for India and the planes. Sometime all I want to do is curl up and read and read..not go out into the world where every thing is so harsh.
But its my birthday today. I will have a good day, I am going out for a meal with my parner and my friends. All is well. I am lucky.

love Clanc xx

[bahookie]

Happy birthday Clancy!



Enjoy today

Jane
xxx

[GettingFree]

Clancy -- have a wonderful birthday!

p.s. You said something interesting about your friends who have gotten clean and are depressed or in destructive situations. It made me think of the difference between sobriety and recovery -- which is huge to me. Sobriety is the entry price for starting recovery, which for me is the healing of a whole person so they can go on to lead the kind of life with the kind of contentment they wish for.

Long and short -- Yes, you can be clean, and be really unhappy. It's the harder part of recovery that comes after getting clean that opens the door to a different existence. just in my itty bitty opinion.

[51anna]

Happy Birthday Clanc!

I'm glad you're doing well.

[2stop]

Happy Birthday Clancy!!!!!