I am a liar

[amymarie]

So...there. I have put that out for everyone to read- (as suggested by a very wise sponsor)...
One of my most glaring (if not THE most glaring) character defect. I begin each relationship no matter the type with lies about either who I wish I could be, or what will get me the most attention. That is what I do and today I have accepted that behavior as UNacceptable.

I suppose I feel the people I meet wont be in my life long enough to figure me out- to know that I am a fraud, so I say whatever I want to make myself appear loveable and 'cool'.

Well I am here to tell you that I am sick of this behavior...I am tired of the pain it causes everyone- especially ME!

I want to be the person I claim to be. And my goal is to slowly evolve into her... to be beautiful on the inside...flaws and all....

My name is Amy and I am an addict, a liar, a thief, a cheater, a horrible freind, a procrastinator and a fearful terrified person...
but I am also really really wanting these to become old behaviors...

I love you all<-----------NOT a lie!!!

[eire rose]

Hello Amymarie,

It takes a lot of courage to honestly look at oneself. Don't be so hard on yourself! Please, when I honestly look at my behaviour it helps to look at the good things too, also we have survival skills, some of these defects of character helped us to get through things.

I am sure you have many fabulous and endearing qualities, don't still too long in the negative.

Love, Rose

[51anna]

Oh Amy,

That was pretty much true for me too. Actually, I learned to lie as soon as I could talk - it was self-preservation at my house. The thing is, it continued into my life and I lied about things that didn't even matter at all. That was something I wanted to change so badly. And, it was hard for me to look honestly at myself, because I had to admit that things I had believed about myself, just weren't true. But there were things about me that I hadn't known about that I loved.

It's a huge step to be able to look honestly at yourself. Just don't beat yourself up for it. You're human, we all are.

[amymarie]

Oh I am not beating myself up over it ladies- not anymore. I have learned recently that there really is a chance for me to be all those things I have pretended... I know this behavior can change...I have seen the proof.

I just had to take a step and admit it to me and to you. It is quite embarassing to be a liar. I have always wished my character defects were ANYTHING but that- today however, I have been honest with someone I truly care about and it feels damn good. I just wanted to put it out there so that I could prove a fragment of honesty to myself. And I did. And I accept it. And I know I will overcome the majority of it.

You ladies rock!

[Mel77]

What about the people that knew this about you and still loved you?
Where do they fall in this, on the do not ever call again list?

[amymarie]

It feels really good to not feel so alone about it guys. Thanks.

[PaperDolls]

You're so not alone in the Amy. I know I was a liar when I drank. I had to lie to make myself look better. I'm slowly beginning to be able to just be me.

~doll

[amymarie]

FYI-
I don't have to be on anything to lie. I lie when I am in the grips of my addiction. Like I said, it is my most prevelant of CD....
I believe it to be my DOC.
So this will be quite an interesting journey!

[liveweyerd]

amy,

hugs!
I was taught to lie from a young age!
Example: mom says you have to wear this hat to school, dad says just leave it on until you get around the corner and take it off.
Do something wrong (misbehave) if you admit it you get spanked, if you deny it you get a long discussion.

I have learned to be honest as an adult. And it gets to be such a habit that I cannot consciously lie, it is written all over my body language, my stuttering and is totally transparent.

Now I do like to play story teller.....but that is understood as entertainment value, when I embellish a story I tell to make it funnier.

I learned honesty from other people...real people and alot of it right here at SR. I learn more about it every day.

It'll be okay, you'll see.

live

[Hope]

I really admire your courage to face what you need to work on and then be willing to take the steps to overcome it.

That is very inspiring to me! You just took a huge step in getting through it!

[GettingFree]

I remember when I finally gave myself permission to fail that that was when the white lies stopped (I wasn't very good at the big ones -- it always showed).

Live & Anna have talked how lieing is learned early on in order to avoid punishment, etc.

I think it's also learned early because we're taught we're not good enough as we are, it's not alright to make mistakes, it's not alright to fail. So we learn to cover up -- or in some cases exaggerate or elaborate -- in order to become acceptable, likeable, and loveable.

I feel so much freer now that I can say, "Yes, I forgot. I'm really sorry", rather than have to make up some lame excuse as to why I may not have done something.

Go easy. You came by all that behavior honestly and a way to survive a lot of negative messages.

best
gf

[splendra]

(((amy)))

Becoming aware is the hardest part of knowing any defects we have. Don't be too hard on yourself. Telling the truth can become a habit in no time and you will be amazed at how it frees you up...take good care doll.

[indigo]

I too have been all of those things...I wanted a different life the "real" me...I went into therapy and told my doc everything, still she accepted me guided me though, told me I was a good person who had been damaged, I still she her.... I try to be the best person I can be, I stopped lying and all the other stuff and now I believe in me. You can do it Amy, have faith in yourself. It has taken a lot of courage for what you have told us all and I applaud and respect you for it....now you go for it girl.

hugs indie

[amymarie]

Things are getting so much better- I know change is uncomfortable, and when we go against our grain it tends to be the equivalent of forcing 2 repelling magnets together... but, if you try and give it your all, you can figure out a way to make it happen.
I have been feeling so much peace of mind lately ladies! Progress is slow, but still it is there and that gives me so much hope- I am happy to be a liar today- I have accepted it. Just because I am a liar doesnt mean I HAVE to lie.
I love you (((((all)))))