juls

[liveweyerd]

HI!

Well, I could tell that you are intelligent, confident, attractive and know how to take care of yourself...and I wondered how you would wind up marrying and in a marriage where you feel stuck and it has had an ill effect on you.
Now I understand.
Now I wonder why you gave up your profession?

I married my high school sweetheart. We were together 17 yrs. I liked being married. But it came to the point where I wanted more than HIM. I stayed home with the kids until they went to school, then went out into the work world. It changed my tastes in what I wanted in a man. We divorced.

I have been single now for 10 yrs.
I no longer know if I want to be with anyone or if I am even capable.

Even if I do want to marry I think my chances of finding someone right for me are slim to none and slim left town.

Daughter is calling me.....I'll need to go for now...

later,
live

[liveweyerd]

didn't mean to start another new post...hadn't had my coffee yet

Anyway...
I think it is sad that I will probably remain single but on the other hand I am not willing to compromise who I am in order to be married or not alone. I have struggled too damned hard to give up that.

I can't bear the idea of feeling stuck or stifled in a relationship either.
At least alone there is a hope......
and I am not obligated.

I was in an on and off relationship for the last 5 yrs with the most charming maniac.
This is the ONE I picked

My biggest struggle is financial. Have never established an occupation, have hoboed around this to that according to current temporary considerations.
I am tired of that.
Here I am 44 yrs old and although intelligent and capable I am not qualified for anything.

I read alot of social sciences, have been interested in that since I was a teen. Psychology, sociology, religions, humanities, always just fascinated with peeking into human life.
I am a few credits away from an associates in liberal arts. I enjoyed my studies very much but it doesn't qualify me for anything. I knew that when I chose it.

After my last misadventure hearing that a man is angry and jealous and that the woman avoids eye contact with others worries me.

To me, beauty is a HP, time spent admiring the arts is good for my soul.

I, also, love to set a pretty table. I have way too many dishes, and paradoxically, not enough!

I found that when I was in an unhappy relationship I was prone to numbing myself, when I got out I was no longer interested in the substance of the moment. So, for me, the substance wasn't an addiction...it was a symptom.

hugs,
live

[Juls]

Weyred,

I didn't really give up my profession, but I did stop working at it in order to stay home with my daughter. My daughter, if I haven't already said this, was born pre-mature. She stayed in the hospital for two months, and was on oxygen and a heart monitor when she came home. I wanted to be home with her, and not go back to work. Then after I'd been married for two and a half years, I became a drug addict. At that point in my marriage I hated my husband more than anything. I was so angry all the time and I didn't know what to do about it. I had a root canal, and was given pain meds. Well they took away the pain all right. I quickly became addicted.

But besides that, the stress of having a baby with health problems, and being in a marital situation that was extremely difficult for me to deal with, has made it difficult for me to return to work. I have suffered from depression and anxiety pretty much all my life, and I can't take alot of stress.

My husband has changed alot, and he is a decent man. He has stood by me, but I don't know what my feelings are for him. We don't have any intimate life at all. He is learning to be a better parent and I'm glad for that. I did leave once for three months, but it was very hard on my daughter so I returned home. I told him that we need to get things together for our daughter's sake, and since then things have been alot better.

So, right now I'm trying to decide what to do with myself. I am an esthetician and a massage therapist, and I have a small business I started a few months ago. Business has been slow to pick up, and I have only earned enough to pay the rent on my space and to buy my products each month.

I'm going to quit now, because this is turning into a book. LOL

Juls

[liveweyerd]

Juls, Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions!

I totally understand your decision to take care of your daughter and applaud it.....I also understand the stress of her illness(es)..as I said I lost my son and the grandbaby has a genetic heart defect, that really doesn't show and doesn't bother him at all but worries us to death!

I, too, have struggled with depression for almost always...didn't know what anxiety was until I started being hit with a series of losses, seems like once you have a panic attack, it is a bug that is always around the corner, I have become prone to an incessant anxiety...and I get angry that I have to deal with these things!
But I am determined to be well and live my life for me...it has certainly cost me enough, I am not going to just give it up easily..I can't think that all this struggle has been for nothing

If you get what you pay for, then.... it's my turn to be getting lucky
Whatever that means????????

live

[zoomer]

GG live, being around the young guys get ya going? I'm abstaining too. Is that what you ment by getting lucky or do I have a dirty mind?

[liveweyerd]

For the first time in my entire adult life I could care less about sex. I have never been celibate this long....and it has been no effort, I just don't care.
I am hoping it is the anti-depressants and not a long term side effect of my trauma over A. Altho' at this time I am very glad for it, if I still had sexual desires I wouldn't have stayed away from him...so, this for now is a blessing....as long as it isn't permanent...but I find I am not interested at all...I don't know if I'd even notice Harrison Ford if he brought me a rose!

This is a new twist for me and I am not sure what to make of it, but for right now it is more convenient than not.....

Lucky to me means ????? getting my life together?

live

[liveweyerd]

Juls,

I am drawing attention to giving up and trading off our dreams...it seems a theme in common, we are all talking about it in different ways....

if we traded them off, then what was worth that to us? What attracted us?

I am really putting the microscope to the attraction component within myself right now......and have a boulder of ambivalence in front of it...

But my dreams must be redefined...with those realities understood...

I have never felt such huge resistance to knowing something....

???????
live

and I believe I all ready know what I am looking for ...but will not look....
!

MG has put a great post in on power and control in the PTSD forum.....
this is where alot of my issues are....

[Juls]

Weyerd,

I too am trying to redefine my dreams and goals. At times, most of the time though, it seems to take all my energy just to get through the day. I really don't understand myself at all.

I have no interest in sex either, and I don't know if it's the antidepressant meds or what. My husband is not demanding in that department, and there is alot of stuff that happened between us that strongly affected my desire to be intimate with him. If I'd had any idea that my marriage would be like it is I never would have married. Everyone thinks I have the most wonderful husband. He is a very likeable person, yet he has very few friends. He thinks that the marital relationship should be the only thing. I encourage him to do things with the friends he has.

I remember telling him, before we were married and I was so in love, that I'd love to stay home and cook, and clean, and iron his shirts for him. I used to be a good housekeeper when I had my own house, and was living my own life, but now I hate keeping house. It's so stupid. Why should I resent taking care of my home, yet I don't feel like this is my home. I don't even like this house. Yet I know I should be grateful to have a home, and a husband who will let me stay home and not have to work. I'm so conflicted all the time.

My husband was off today, and my son came and took my daughter to the zoo in San Francisco. I took my husband on an outing to a little beach town to give him a nice day. Did all the driving so he could relax and be chauffered around. I do enjoy spending time with him this way, but I hate coming home to all the responsibilities. I just can't seem to get anything organized.

The house is small without much closet and storage space, and it seems like there's never anywhere to put things, so things get piled up all over the house. And it's always getting dirty. Things like dirty walls just really bug me, and it just seems like the dirt accumlates over night.

I saw your reply to the post I sent to Clancy, and it turn out that ultram can be a very addictive drug. The FDA is trying to have it classified as a narcotic. I've never tried it, but I have a girlfriend that I met in treatment who had been addicted to vicodin, and is now just as badly addicted to ultram.

I really appreciate getting to know you and Zoomer through the board. (Did I say that already in another post? LOL) Very few of the people that I got to know when I first started posting here are here anymore, and I was feeling lonely. So now I feel like I've made a couple of new friends.

Juls

[liveweyerd]

I appreciate you, Juls!

I am bowled over about the Ultram. I don't get any kind of buzz from it! But I think they are Marvelous because they are the only thing that gets rid of my headaches! They used to get me shots of Demerol and my head still hurt...and that is a strong narcotic.

Just got up and we've got alot of important thoughts going on here...it takes me awhile...


at least, after coffee...

I really got into building our dream of making a home with A....for awhile...and then it was his attitude about it, that I began to feel really stifled....

weyerd

[liveweyerd]

I think it's pretty wild that I am beginning to consider people here my best friends, and we wouldn't recognize each other if we were in the same room!

My daughter got pregnant with a guy that they'd had a crush and flirtation going on for some time but when she got pregnant her real intentions had been to stay here for a couple of weeks only. She decided to continue the pregnancy and the relationship. She is now going through the rigors of we are only with each other because I got pregnant I would never have chose him.

Yesterday they got in a big fight and he left distraught and said something about suicide, so she called the cops...so then we had the police here, him crying, the baby upset, her mad...and feeling betrayed by me because I'm not totally siding with her...and I feel myself just spinning from the stress...that I really don't want to be a part of any of this.
The day before it was the baby in the er. Who is fine, improving rapidly with antibiotics...
AND now, all of a sudden, I am having one dream after another about my own sh!t.
And I am really okay. Thank God for my meds, I am not overwhelmed. Just tired of it.

That's all a beside the point blah blah blah, it will take me all day to come to terms with my new dreams and organize my thoughts on the issues we are talking about. I will be leaving town tonight ...so will have imaginary conversations with you all while I am gone..will be back Thurs nite probably.

Did you notice Zoomer didn't post yesterday? That is like the first time in forever that she hasn't....

I am not ignoring your infor and what you said, Juls, I just haven't processed it yet...am still on first morning coffee and cigs....

weyerd