Help

[teke]

have anybody ever needed a good cry? what's wrong? me.
maybe depressed i don't know, can't afford doctors, transportation, read the literature( codependant no more, codependant recovery, aa big book,12 traditions and a lot more, that' s all i do when i am not caring for kids and grandkids, i am so tired of being strong, i can't think of anything that i have not experienced in this 20 yr marriage, he's gone now and good riddens. i just now realized that i have allowed myself and my kids to be emotionally abused for so long. i think that i had been numb to the pain and i thought that i was handling things to wake up to find out that it was all an illusion. this is about me, recovering addict(3yrs+), don't want crack cocaine but i sure did want to get drunk and all most did. not sucidal or anything but sometimes i think that death would be a welcome sight. don't worry though, my kids need me. thank you for listen.

[CarolD]

I am answering you on the Emergency post.

Please check there.

[Live]

hugs, Teke.

Please educate yourself about the emotional abuse as well, I found it critical to understand what happened to me and what happened. I couldn't believe what I learned, it opened my eyes and really, there are several important books I have had to read over and over again.
It was as important to my recovery as understanding the codependency and addiction.

[Anna]

Hi Teke,

I'm sorry for your situation.

Is there any way that you talk to a dr? It is possible that you are depressed and that meds may help.

There is always help.

[Arura]

hi, Teke sorry to hear your predicament its hard to have
a normal realationship when all you are used to is destruction.
nice one Carol. Good luck n stay strong.


Still i Rise maya angalu check out this poem.
it lift's me every time i read it.

[GettingFree]

Originally Posted by teke

what's wrong? me.

No teke, there is nothing wrong with you. It sounds like you are finally releasing 20 years of grief. And that's a good, healthy thing to do -- as much as it feels really awful right now. It's been in there for a long time, while you maintained control, took care of family, and tried to take care of you as best you could. Now you've come to a juncture where you're being hit with the reality of the life you lived. It can be very painful.

But at the same time, it's our body's and heart's way of naturally moving forward. This will come out. The tears are good. And you will move forward, lighter than you were.

Hang in there,

best
gf

[Janitw]

Teke - listen to what gf just said ...its great advice. Like you I was married for 22 years and divorcing on Wednesday the final hearing. He left me and the kids and grandkids too. All for his addiction and hooch. He's been gone now for 11 months and it's been the hardest year of my life. But on the other side of my mind it's been good too. At first I didn't know what to do with the calm and serenity because you get used to all the chaos and crisis, but it was an everday occurance and suddenly it was gone. We actually get used to this life and a part of you - right now - can't or won't live without it. This feeling will pass. You have just been programmed and enslaved into his toxic life. And now you feel that he threw you and the kids away like and old dish rag. Again as I say this feeling will fade in the near future - keep yourself busy and stay strong for the kids sake. My kids kept seeing me cry and cry and cry, and it hurt them so much to see the mother that moved all their mountains in a total meltdown state. Try not to show your tears to them 24/7 okay. Keep posting here and on Friends and Family thats where I am most of the time. We all care very much for you. Without this forum I would be in an institution somewhere. lol Keep you chin up and keep us all updated okay. (((((hugs)))))

Janet

[teke]

THANK YOU ALL
encouraging words mean a lot these days, i am just not used to hearing much of nothing good about me, and seems like i am just not getting enough fo it, i just now got to the place where i felt comfortable telling it to any one. i have internalized so much. you guys are a blessing to me. i use to take zoloft and have tried paxil, but i am a recovering addict too and meds scare me. i don't want to be addicted to anything. please keep it coming as i keep coming. if i get confusing, remember that i am tring to get better.

[ARIES]

Big hug from Stefanie....

[gypsyrose]

Sorry you're grieving. It's only natural, given what you've been through. I'm sure "this too shall pass." And if it doesn't, don't be afraid to try the medication again. Zoloft and Paxil can help regulate your brain chemistry without being addictive so if they were helpful to you before, I wouldn't worry about using them if I were you. Sometimes, especially after prolonged grief, our brains can get stuck in an unhealthy mode and need the help to get back on track. I do understand you hesitating though, I know that if I can get through the day without medication, I don't want to take it but I'm not ruling it out either. I've considered it in the past and if I found myself dealing with the amount of pain you are, I'd consider it again.

[Live]

Many people here who have addiction problems take antidepressants. It's okay. It is the same as if you needed an antibiotic.
hugs,
live

[teke]

again i thank you all for your words of encouragement, i am so afraid of being addicted again until i just haven't found the courage to try to take anything. don't know how this is gonna affect my health but so far, i made a decision to ellminate what i believe to be the main source of my embalance, my ah.

[Arura]

Hi teke, im also afraid of falling back.its been so hard.
even getting here..! i still take my subs,in case i have a bad day.
Insane,i know but its working for me at the moment.but not for
too long.. i Hope..

please dont give in you sound stronger than that......

Sometimes its good to get it all out..hey honi if you need too.