more confused than ever

[happyagain]

omg i am so damned angry and confused right now. my husband called a few hours ago to make arrangements to spend time with the kids tommorow, no big deal right?? WRONG!!!! before we hang up the phone he tells me that he thinks he may have made the biggest mistake of his life when he packed his bags and walked out of here on mon night!!!!wtf.....i really wish i could figure out what is going on in that pea brain of his......and to top it all off he had the berve to say to me "baby i love you so much and i miss you and the kids more than i ever thought i would"....then he tells me that the fact that he is willing to admit to me that he thinks he made a mistake by leaving should tell me how much the kids and i really mean to him!!!!! i am so damned confused that i really don't even know which way is up at this point!!!!! he says he thinks he made a mistake, but he's not sure, he loves the kids and i and misses us deeply, but he isn't sure if wants to come home, he isn't sure if he can stop seeing his gf, he wants more time to make a decision.....in the mean time i am here with two kids that are very hurt and angry taht dad decided his gf is more important than his family....and it isn't like he is staying with some guy friend somewhere....no he is now living with his gf. and the worst part of it all is that i still love the sorry sob......i miss him......and part of me would love to have him back....would love to go to counseling together and put our family back together..........i don't know, maybe i am crazy.....god know sometimes i feel like i'm holding onto my sanity by a thread............
well at least i feel better now that i have gotten all of this off my chest..........thank god for all of you here at sr......

[Anna]

Well, Lost, I think if your husband told you that he definitely made a mistake and that he wants you back and will do whatever it takes, then maybe, I'd consider counselling and try to work things out. But, frankly he doesn't know what he wants and he's trying to keep you on the string, just in case. And, that's not a commitment on his part and it's SO unfair to you. I completely understand that you feel like he's driving you crazy.

You really need to focus on you and your children. I hope you can find some peace.

[GettingFree]

Lost,

Your confusion is entirely understandable. It is terribly confusing, and it hurts so much, when someone alternately says they love us and abuse us, when they say 'come here/go away', when their actions hurts us horribly and then they do things to draw us in and give us the hope of being loved again. It's called the cycle of betrayal and seduction. And sex addicts are experts at it.

Originally Posted by lostnalone95

but he isn't sure if wants to come home, he isn't sure if he can stop seeing his gf

I'm going to be really direct here -- and I wince at being so direct, but I see you at such a vulnerable juncture.

Of all the things said in your post, this is what jumped out at me: he isn't sure if he can stop seeing his gf. Your husband has an addiction. He is a love/sex addict. A part of him knows he is destroying his family, and yet he is unable to stop. He is unable to stop reaching for his drug of choice. It is no different than if he were to say I love you and I made such a bad choice -- but I'm not sure I want to stop drinking or using -- or in this case, f***ing other women, or feeling the love and attention of other women. Sorry to be blunt, but that's it.

At the same time, he doesn't even recognize or acknowledge his problem. And just like an alcoholic or drug addict who doesn't see the addiction as a problem, the behavior will not stop until he does.

This is not the first time. He has a history with porn. He has a history with other woman besides the gf he's moved in with. He has a history with escalating sexual behavior including threesomes, etc. This is a predictable part of any addiction escalating.

Fast-forward into the future. As much as you crave the possibility of living as a happy family again, please ask if this is really possible if he doesn't acknowledge his addiction and get help. What would happen if you were to try living together again, and he were to continue his sexual behavior with other women? Do you want to be on high alert constantly, wondering if he's lying, and second-guessing his behavior continually? And even if he does actually get to the point of admitting "I am a sex and love addict and I need help and I want to stop in order to have a healthy fulfilling relationship with myself and with my wife and children," there is still a long haul. And relapse. And exposing your children to that continual drama -- the conflict, the fighting, the tension, the hurt, their mother in a state of continual unease and stress. And, and, and. I am trying deliberately to give you the realistic picture so you can weigh things realistically.

What you're experiencing now is so very common. You're hearing the remorse and the regret from the addict who is afraid of losing what he knows is important to him -- but whose DOC still has control of his life.

Please be careful. Talk with your therapist. And come here and rage away.

best
gf

[CarolD]

And what about sexually transmitted diseases?

He is not only having sex with 2
but with anyone they had sex with.

Thats a dangerously crowded bed!!

[happyagain]

Your husband has an addiction. He is a love/sex addict. A part of him knows he is destroying his family, and yet he is unable to stop. He is unable to stop reaching for his drug of choice. It is no different than if he were to say I love you and I made such a bad choice -- but I'm not sure I want to stop drinking or using -- or in this case, f***ing other women, or feeling the love and attention of other women. Sorry to be blunt, but that's it.

gettingfree, thank you so much for your wisdom!!!! i know that you are being both blunt and brutally honest for my own good and i thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!! i know that he has an addiction.....and today he figured that out too.....i handed him a copy of the sex addicts anonamous? quizz.......out of 12 questions he answered yes to 8. he was pretty shocked by the results......

At the same time, he doesn't even recognize or acknowledge his problem. And just like an alcoholic or drug addict who doesn't see the addiction as a problem, the behavior will not stop until he does.

i don't know if he is ready to admitt to himself or anybody else that he truely is a sex addict.....but maybe because he took that quiz, it will cause him to do some soul searching and self evaluation.......

This is not the first time. He has a history with porn. He has a history with other woman besides the gf he's moved in with. He has a history with escalating sexual behavior including threesomes, etc. This is a predictable part of any addiction escalating.

i know and understand intellectually that this is all part of the progression of his disease, but that doesn't change the fact that i love him and that i miss him more than i want to, i want so badly to be able to just stop feeling any "good" emotions for him, i just want to feel only "bad" emotions so that i can let go but it just isn't happening....

Do you want to be on high alert constantly, wondering if he's lying, and second-guessing his behavior continually? And even if he does actually get to the point of admitting "I am a sex and love addict and I need help and I want to stop in order to have a healthy fulfilling relationship with myself and with my wife and children," there is still a long haul. And relapse. And exposing your children to that continual drama -- the conflict, the fighting, the tension, the hurt, their mother in a state of continual unease and stress.

i have thought a lot a whole lot in fact about whether or not i will ever be able to trust him again or not.......it is a very complex and difficult issue for me......i want to trust him again if he decides to give her up, come home, go to marriage counselling, and go to saa.

What you're experiencing now is so very common. You're hearing the remorse and the regret from the addict who is afraid of losing what he knows is important to him -- but whose DOC still has control of his life.

today when he was here visiting the kids he asked to speak privately......while we were talking he told me that all he thought about last might was me and the kids.....he thought about how wrong being with his gf feels and about how right being with me and the kids feels....he told me that he loves me that he truely does miss me......then before i knew what was happening he kissed me........and right at that moment i just wanted time to stand still forever......how do you fall out of love? i ask myself this a million times a day.....but i never come up with an answer......so i keep coming here.....for support, advice, help......and i am so very thankful for you all

[Anna]

Hang in there Lost, you're on an emotional roller coaster right now, but things will settle down. GF gave you amazingly good advice and I'm glad you took it to heart.

[GettingFree]

Lost,

You're at a familiar place millions have been: wanting to believe that betrayal from the past is done with, hoping the addict will leave behind their DOC.

It's going to very tempting right now to focus all the attention on him. You're going to be looking at him for signs that he'll change. Is he going to recommit? Is he going to leave his gf? Is he going to admit he has an addiction? Is he going to give up all sexual activity outside the marriage, including porn? Is he going to go SAA? Is he going to go into therapy? Is he going to go into couple counselling?

As tempting as that is, I'd encourage you to keep the focus on you. What do you want? What does a commited and fulfilling relationship mean and look like to you? What are your boundaries? What will you accept? What can you not accept and not live with?

Then there are the harder questions that you are already voicing: why do you still love someone who has hurt you horribly? Why do you still want the marriage? Are there underlying fears there? What is keeping you attached, despite what many would see as unforgivable betrayal.

Please understand, I am not judging. Breaking the attachment to a person we have loved, and want to love us, can be extremely difficult for many. It can be excruiating to feel powerless over the feeling of still wanting someone who has abused us. But there are often some very deep-seated underlying reasons why we stay, and continue to love, those who cannot love us back in healthy ways.

You might want to start posting on the Friends & Family board. Your husband may not have a problem with alcohol, but he has an addiction -- one that many would say is even more difficult to recover from than alcohol addiction.

Although the addiction is different, the partners there will have a lot of understanding and insight into what you are experiencing. Many have also been through betrayal alongside substance addiction. They often go together. And everyone there will help you keep the focus on you.

Originally Posted by lostnalone95

while we were talking he told me that all he thought about last might was me and the kids.....he thought about how wrong being with his gf feels and about how right being with me and the kids feels....he told me that he loves me that he truely does miss me......then before i knew what was happening he kissed me........and right at that moment i just wanted time to stand still forever......

This is the seduction part of the cycle. I have no idea if your husband loves you or not. And right now, the truth is, you can't either.

A sex and love addict desperately needs the love and attention of others. Feeling you pulling away is going to be very uncomfortable for him -- he needs and wants you to want him. He will do whatever it takes -- even unconsciously -- to turn your feelings around, so he feels you are back in the place of loving him and wanting him. That's what feels good to him.

As I said, I am not saying he loves you or not. However, unless he actually gets to the stage of saying "I do not like myself this way. I do not like the fact that I crave sex with other women and I am unhappy being this way" -- if he does not get to this stage -- and soon -- he'll likely continue to want both. He'll likely behave in a way -- including declarations of love, regrets and promises -- to get you to 'take him in again' and return his affection as you used to do, but then after you have accepted the status quo, he will act out again.

Ini other words, change for him will come if he reaches the point that he wants to change for HIMSELF. It requires him wanting to change and recover from sex addiction even if you were no longer in his life -- even if you actually did tell him to leave forever.

That's the kind of commitment you'll need to see in him to have hope of recovery. And then, more importantly, keep the focus on YOU.

I know it's so very difficult -- hang in. You're doing great.

gf

[Doodlebug]

I'm sorry Lost, but I just could never live with, or love a man that has treated me the way he did you. End of story. He could be as sorry and remorseful as he wants, but that does not erase what he has done to you and your kids. The trust is GONE, and no amount of wishin' it weren't so will make it come back. I would just wish him a happy life and keep him out of yours. That includes letting him see the kids. He doesn't deserve them or you.

[Janitw]

Lost - Honey you and I are in the same spot. My husband left the kids and I last July 4th. 22 years of marriage wasn't enough to stop him from picking up and moving in with our county hooch. Now we are divorcing and his kids have gone NC with him (No Contact). The OW even scheduled his first appointment with her divorce atty for him..wasn't that nice of her. This woman has broken up many marriages and still my husband can't see her for what she is. Am I sad ??? I'm tore up from the floor up. But it won't bring him back. Even his parents turn a blind eye to his behavior and FIL is a pastor. Honey hang in there if you want to but nobody but him can make him see the light. My husband hasn't called me once since he left us. But because you have smaller children maybe there is hope. The question is do you really want him back??? My attorney sent me in for testing for STD's - thank god they all came back neg. Don't take him back before he is throughly checked out if you do take him back ok. Good luck and keep posting. We are all here for you. I normally post on the Friends and Family board go there too okay.

Hugs to You and your kids sweetie,

Janet

[happyagain]

sitting down here today and reading and in some cases re-reading all of the advice that i have been blessed with i literally feel like i've had an epiphany..............earlier today my husband called, from his girlfriends house of course, wanting to know when he can see the kids again, how much money is in the bank (he no longer has access to the bank balances & can't call the bank to get information--i changed pins and passwords--all he has ia a visa checkcard).......anyway..........he also asked me what i am planning to do the with kids for the rest of the week....well i told him that at this point the plan is to take advantage of the good weather and take them to the pool each day......well it is at about this point that i hear his gfs voice in the background....she is yelling at him that he is spending too much time here (my house).....then she went on to tell him that he doesn't need to see the kids everyday....nor does he need to call them everynight.......since they are 14 and 11 1/2 years old they aren't going to forget him if they only see him for a few hours every weekend or every other weekend,,,,,,then she lauched into a tirade about how since he is living in with her and her kids now...they should be the center of his world and my kids and i should be part of the past....then lastly she told him that if he doesn't "get his priorites in order" then she is going to make him sorry....now as i'm listening to all of this i'm wondering what "sorry" means...well she informed him that sorry means that she will withhold her sexual favors from him and she will make sure that the other gf who they have threesomes with also withholds sex from him!!! now....i am going to ask a really studpid question--shouldn't my kids and i be his priority? afterall he started raising my kids when my sone was 3 years old and my daughter 6 months....we have been married for 10 years.......where does she get off telling him that she and her ******* brats are now his bew priority.....she really pisses me off......
well at least i feel better now after venting.....thanks so much for listening

[GettingFree]

Sorry lost .... what a sh**ty phone call to listen to. The gf definitely sounds like she has some serious problems.

And that's the thing with addicts. They'll often gravitate to co-addicts -- in other words, those who are as unhealthy as they are and accept or embrace the addict's choices and behavior.

When I could stop expecting reasonable behavior from those incapable of it, I got a lot more peace and sanity myself.

best
gf

[Live]

Lost,

I mean this kindly....it looks to me like he hasn't had his priorities straight in most things for quite sometime.

Personally, I don't think I would allow him to call and talk to the kids from the gf's house. What are they learning about marriage and what is acceptable?

You will need to be the one to role model self-respect and boundaries.

Do you use call screening? No need for this daily chaos and hurt.

What he says doesn't count, what he does is all that matters.

And believe me....I would be in a headspin if I had heard that call.
It never hurts when it starts feeling crazy to just hang up.

You have more power than you realize.

Blessings and hugs!

[happyagain]

i don't know.....i don't want to cut him off from the kids......they miss him so damned much right now. it is killing them for him not to be here........my 14 year old son is soooo angry that it isn't even funny......he has aspergers syndrome and is just not dealing well with any of this......and my 11 year old daughter......well she has been sleeping with me every night.....she sleeps right up next to me and every time i get up to go to the bathroom she wakes up and asks me if i am comming back......she is terrified that i am going to abandon her tooo.....i will be so happy for next monday to get here.....the local therapist office where my son sees the psychologist at has a five week summer camp session that they run.....this year i have signed both kids up for it.......i'm hoping that it will help........
he just called again to talk to the kids about 5 minutes ago.....before talking to them he apologized to me for his gf behavior.........all i could say was whatever......you have until sunday to make a choice.....a final choice.....either you are coming home going to marriage councelling and saa and giving her up entirely...or you can stay with her....i will go ahead and press adultry charges against him through the military, i will make a divorce as costly as possible and everything that has to do with the kids will be on my terms period end of discussion. it really is just up to him to make up his mind at this point.....
well i need to go....my daughter wants to watch a movie with me before bedtime.....

[teke]

i know exactly where you are at in this, i lived it for so long, this is a no win situation unless he totally commits to recover and to your marriage. my ah realizes that he has a problem with drugs but is yet to realize that he has a sexual addiction too,. this is very painful for me to except but i can no longer act as if i don't know. my ah does not even thinks that he is cheating, and that is so sad. i can no longer take the chance of putting my health in danger, the choice becomes mine,. you are allowing yourself to be placed on hold, the question is how long are you going wait.

so far, i have waited over half of my life and its gotten me no where but older. i don't know what i'll do in the future, only today. god i hate this desease. you would think that i would be over if he makes up his mind, in my opinion, that may just be the beginning of another chapter in this long saga. i will be praying that god gives you the strenght to do what is best for you and the kids.

[happyagain]

thank you sooo much for your encouragement. you know i have decided how long i am going to wait--i am not. i am going to tell him tomorrow when he comes to see the kids that it is over. why this sudden turn around in attitude you ask....well i have finally hit my limit. i explained everything in my last post on the "i'v lost the battle sorta" thread. but what matters most is i have made a decision and at this point i really don't care what his decisions or needs or wants are. he hasn't thought about mine or the kids for months now, why should i give a rats a$$ about his????? i'm done, i have fought the good fight for 10years and 10 months and all i have to show for it is a broken heart and two devestated children. today we went to church and the sermon seemed like it was written especially for us...and during the course of the sermon i realized that whether things get better or worse from here on out he isn't anyone that the kids and i can count on or trust anymore. although this realization is very painful for me i think that it is vital to the kids and i beginning to heal. i realize now that we have each other and the three of us will become a stronger family than we were before because we know that we love each other and that we can depend on and trust each other. that is what i learned today and i am very greatful that i finally figured it out.

[teke]

you've said a mouthful and that i exactly what i needed to hear. i guess that's what this is all about, one codie helping another.

[Cindi R]

{{{L&A}}}
You deserve so much more...