Have to get things out!!!!!!!!!

[used2beadrunk]

Hey Everyone,

I am new to this online sober stuff, but I am willing to give it a try. I found out about this place from a friend of a friend. I character assassinated someone on SR and I know its wrong. I am just so angry at this person. I just hate when people act fake. I feel used by this person.

Anyway, I not knew to sobriety nor the 12 steps. I am just so angry at myself. I have been abused by men who said they have loved me and I really have been paying for this. I have just been so depressed and alone.
I left one sick relationship to just enter another and I've just drowned in dysfunction. I can't think straight, I can't keep any thoughts together. I go to meetings everyday, have a sponsor, homegrp, and I work out the steps everyday. I don't have a perfect program, but I try.

I left the relationship of 4 years. I kicked him out. He was supposed to stay clean and didn't. On top of that he was bi-polar and in hyper mode 24-7. Thank God I was able to get out of it. I just locked the door and haven't spoken to him in about six weeks. He hasn't tried to call, and I think that has me upset too. I'm glad he hasn't called, but at the same time I want him too. Can you understand that? But when I truly think about it, I honestly am GLAD he is gone.
This relationship was so great at times. I loved this man, and I am so damn mad at him. I am so hurt that its literally taking the life out of me. I don't want to be around anyone, but I go to meetings. I still call people. Nothing is making me feel better.
I let this person into my life and they have taken everything. He owes me money, he took my favorite sweatshirt, and I just hate him. I am so full of resentment and that is not good for me as an alcoholic.

I am alone now. I never thought I would feel this way. I'm in my mid 30's and feel worse than I ever did. I have so much inside me that it's screaming to come out. It's like my feelings are trapped and they won't let me live.

I thought by this time in my life I'd be married and have children. I don't have either one. I feel so unattractive, useless, and hopeless. I can;t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

My friends at AA huddle around me because they know what's been going on. I finally let everyone know how much I was being abused. I just let it all out at my home group. I told the "secrets" I had been keeping about this relationship. I just shivered and shook as I spoke and told my group of the abuse I had been recieving from the ex-boyfriend. I just couldn't stop crying, and as I type this I find my self crying again. I can't shake this feeling.

I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing. I'm clean a few 24 hours and yet I feel as If I am back at day one. I feel defeated. I am so frustrated.
I don't know what to do anymore. I've been praying and listening to "this too shall pass" and all the other slogans. I belive what everyone is saying, but I feel its not being said to me. I feel like its being said so they can feel better.

I am so down, so much that I can't describe it. I fell like I have been dealt a bad hand. I honestly think that. I actually feel that way in my heart. I am having such a hard time finding peace within myself. I don't feel the same.

I guess I can't feel the same when I had someone attacking me every day. I was told horrible, horrible things. I walked on eggshells, and never knew what to expect. I lived in hell. I just can't believe that I made it out of that sick relationship after so long.

[CarolD]

Welcome to SR...
Please check your PM box...

I do hope you will enjoy your membership here at SR.

Take care...

[Rho]

Originally Posted by used2beadrunk

I guess I can't feel the same when I had someone attacking me every day. I was told horrible, horrible things. I walked on eggshells, and never knew what to expect. I lived in hell. I just can't believe that I made it out of that sick relationship after so long.

Hugs and love to you! Iwish I had a bunch of advice for you but I don't! Just be strong, welcome here keep comeing back i copied and quoted a portion of what you wrote. I can TOTALLY RELATE! But I have my preliminary divorce hearing to attend May 24th . I have lived in hell also and I want to NOT believe all the bad things I have told, called and so on.

God Bless you and keep coming back you'll meet such wonderful people here with SR!!!

~Ro~

[used2beadrunk]

Thanks Rho

[indigo]

Welcome to SR some great people here and lots of support.
indigo

[GettingFree]

Hi used2be,

Stopping the cycle of abusive or destructive relationships is hard. I noticed your post on the ACOA forum, and it's so very common for Adult Children to go from one destructive relationship to another. With self-esteem in the toilet, and so much neediness to be loved left by unmet needs in childhood, we quickly fasten on to partners who have no hope of meeting our needs.

It's what we're familiar with, and we often don't have a sense of deserving more, or what more even looks like. We never had models of healthy realtionships between two people who truly love and repect one another. And we're also terrified of being alone, or left, which means we stay in destructive relationships, and accept less than what we should.

I can hear the huge grief and sadness in you for what's been in the past. It makes sense. There's been a lot of pain. But it is in the past now. And the title of your thread says it all: yes, get it out. Tears, anger, more tears. I know I had to get to my own co-dependent rock bottom to be able to finally say no more, and begin my real recovery of me as a whole person, so I could stop the cycle.

And from here, you can begin to let go, heal the past, and start to love yourself in a way that knows you deserve better, and deserve to be loved and treated with respect and kindenss. And yup, develop the ability to have a relationship in the future based on that. It is possible, and mid-30s is still so young. So much is still ahead. And so much better.

best
gf

[51anna]

Welcome to SR! There's lots of support here.

[used2beadrunk]

Thank you Ladies for being so kind.

[Rho]

Just checking to see how you are feeling so far this evening.

[Sheryl85]

Used2be,

Sorry you are having to go through this. I don’t know anything about you besides what you have written here, but I have gone through something pretty tramatic myself recently which prompted me to write this piece that I would like to share with you. (I had to do something to help me with the anger I felt about a person, because what I was afraid it was starting to become a resentment. For me, putting my thoughts on paper is like therapy.) Perhaps you will find it helpful as you make your journey.

The Long Journey to the Heart…
By Sheryl J.

When in times of turmoil, try to use this formula as a road map to where you want to be.

1. Try to separate the act from the actor.
2. Remember what my friend Bill A. said, "It’s none of your business what other people think about you. What is your business is what you think about other people and what you think about yourself."
3. We don’t have to accept unacceptable behavior today (remember, socially unacceptable behavior is a form of insanity).
4. It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head. (Stop dwelling on it.)
5. Whenever you are wrongly accused of something, just remember that you are in good company. Most notable people have their detractors and accusers (i.e. Jesus, Presidents, Generals, Gandhi, etc.).
6. Remember that hurt people hurt people.
7. Re-read page 449 through the end of the chapter in the Big Book regarding acceptance and ask yourself, "How important is it anyway?" How important is it to your serenity?
8. Don’t be burdened with guilt of what we could have done. We are given by God a new life each day and the chance to put the old mistakes away.
9. Most importantly, pray for that person, place, or situation and ask God that you may have a glad, thankful, and humble heart.

"To admit" something is done with the head. "To accept" it is done with the heart. The few inches in between can be the longest journey that you will have to make.
**********************************************

Today, try to be kind to yourself. Sometimes we tend to beat ourselves mentally far worse than anybody else could ever do. Hope you feel better soon...

Sheryl

[used2beadrunk]

Hi Everyone,

I am doing a bit better today. I went fishing last night and it got my mind off of things. I am so happy that you guys are so supportive. I am still having a rough time with but I feel a lot better.

I don;t have time to write to much, I'm heading over to my Mom's. She's an awesome woman. I love hanging with her. She's very supportive of me and my recovery.

Later if I get a chance I will fill you in on the rest of what is going on. This SR is a great place. Thanks Again,

[51anna]

You are so lucky to have a Mom who loves you and supports you.

I'm glad you're doing well and hope you post again soon.