Life, love, family, friends

[Erin]

Hi...
Since my first post I haven't shared what's going on so here it goes.

I'm learning how to live a full and sober life. Ever since I told my family - siblings and parents - they've been great. This weekend was stressful. My Dad needed help moving and I bailed on him for the actual moving day due to work demands. I struggled with the guilt and the inevitable fall out for two days. Saturday I called him and told him I was coming out to help but couldn't make it May 1st. He was very short and I anticipated a lot of fall out. I went to his house around 11 a.m. He expressed his disappointment, calmly, which was a surprize (think Irish temper). I told him I was there for the day, put me to work on whatever and I'd do a full day Sunday. Needless to say towards the end of Saturday he was fine and grateful. I spent the night on Saturday at his house and it was nice. He was extremely respectful of my not drinking and he didn't while I was there (he's a social drinker).

Sunday went amazing with him. However I got home and with an evening of nothing planned and nothing to do my anxiety went high. So instead of making the run to buy wine I filled my evening rearranging furniture and reading plus caught a bit of T.V.

This morning I woke up to the sun and a very hyperactive cat, with a clear head a feeling of excitement. It's amazing all the stuff I can do without a thought to wine (Somedays I go to work, fight the urge to run to buy on my way home and try to figure out what do I do with another night alone). Instead it was along the lines of I'm going to Starbucks, go to work, hit a garden store on the way home to buy some plants for the patio, run make cookies.

I love my job despite my anxiety. I love my family because they've been so amazingly understanding and kind while I had anticipated judgment. I could list all the other stuff I am grateful for like instead of focusing on wine I've got some alternatives like running after work (I went a few days ago and it hit me that wow other people go to the park and run/walk for fun at 6 p.m.).

I have had many tough days and relapsed a few times since January but I'm learning. I'm really learning how to grow up and how great life can be for life's sake. Even on the bad days I'm learning that they pass and if I get past one day I wake up the following morning life's okay.

My therapist told me a few weeks ago to try living in the moment and thinking of it as how I can make this second, this minute, this hour the best possible and asking myself 'what do I need to do?' Big question. But when I think of the minute it's pretty amazing (my cat loves attention and being pet). The therapist all told me that this is about, for me, growing up. Which given that I'm 30ish is pretty cool.

The me is finally coming back and it's going to be alright. I'm not perfect and that's okay. I know I'll trip up in this whole process but me as a human being though flawed is all good. As long as I focus on staying sober one second, one minute, one hour, and one day at a time I'm okay. The bonus day is when I don't think about it much at all (I wish/hope I can have days where I never think of drinking but I don't know how realistic it is)


Next step will be embarking on the AA process. Cleared out the work hours so no excuses. One step at a time. I read this website every day and I am not alone.

Good wishes to you all!!!