feeling scared

[clancy]

Hi there guys...

this will seem silly,but I cant stop worrying about my the melanoma-in situ thing I had taken out of my arm.I have lots of moles and keep wondering how many more there are...I read somewhere on the net that it can come back and kill you even with early treatment...I know I shouldnt be worrying like this, that the prognosis is exellent, that the survival rate is almost 100%....and I think im calm,thaat Ive forgotten it, then yesterday I had a panic attack in the super market. At night I sleepwalk. Why am I so pathetic!

I cant even think about my work at the moment, I just feel freaked.Just feel like using more to make me less anxious.I really want to think positive but all these dreadful thoughts keep comming into my head....help!

[2stop]

mMM HMMMMM......

Been there done that, my friend. You are NOT pathetic, you are scared..............Is the fear itself irrational? yes, more than likely. Our minds can get very carried away with themselves.....My poor husband had to dela with so 'terminal' illnesses.I just knew I was going to die.had that "gut feeling" and everything! I was dead serious.I was freaked out for a few years, the last few years of my pill addiction I was a complete mess.any pain at all sent me over the edge, any illness was worse....far worse than actuality..........

So...I can sorta relate ya know? and with addiction I found pain was my way of 'justifying' use of them..........it became subconscious.but it still was a belief system I lived by and it did NOT serve me well.........

Maybe journal out a few thought processes...I did this myself with a few problems.actually I stil do this exercise.....can bring pretty quick results really.........


couldn't hurt to try.....get this book also....helped me tremendously!

here's an example..........

okay.This is from the book..Feeling Good, the new mood therapy by Dr. D. Burns....

Make a sheet on it horizontally across the page write these columns

Date
Situation
Emotions
Automatic Thoughts
Rational Responses
Outcome

okay......

DATE: 4/24/2006

SITUATION: DX with melanoma in situ, fear dying from this, although evidence suggests otherwise...have the what-ifs...

EMOTIONS: scared, afraid to die, depressed, frustrated, guilty about being "pathetic", feels like no control/choice over emotions.

AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS: (1.)I COULD die! (2.)I am going to die, I read an article that says even early intervention HAS killed before........that means it may happen to ME! (3.)I am pathetic. (4.)I don't want to be this way but "just can't help it"

RATIONAL RESPONSES: (1.)MOSTstudies/experience shows early dx and treatment(such as I am receiving) resukts in 100% recovery and well-being.MOST DO NOT DIE with the traetment and intervention I am receiving.
(2.) I can choose to read ALL articles, and NOT single out the ONE article that shows a negative, dark side. I can choose the sunnier side of doubt! (3.)"I" am not pathetic. Feeling like this may be close..but "I" am MORE than what I feel or believe. There is a source within me, a sacred spot where I am "fine".(4.) I CAN change my THOUGHT proceses, then I change the way I FEL. Feelings are NOT fact, not true indicators of reality. They exist, I FEEL them, but they do not always represent the REAL situation before me.



I kinda wrote down what "I" would feel/think.and kinda out myself in your shoes? I don't know if this helps..........hope so!

Rooting for you Clancy..........I also have to share.and I know you already know.but elimination of al those drugs in yopur system WILL help anxirty and depression and all those negative, dark emotions...you still get dark emotions in recovery.but you brecover quicker.....you are able to cope more....just had to share that dear clancy.NOT preaching to ya...........I just really do care. hate to see you struggle so.

Can only share what has helped for me....we all choose our own path to healing.

[Grasshopper]

Hey Clancy,i understand.I dont think youre being silly,or pathetic at all.Most folks would think and feel the same way,too.You,feel,that you have been threatened,with your morality.Of course all kinds of thoughts will rage through your mind.Fears etc,etc.
The only way that i got through this,was to be honest[as you have]with all my thoughts and feelings,with myself and others.Even the folks who said to me,they were not afraid,when it came right down to it,were afraid,until they worked through their thoughts/feelings and came to acceptance,and peace.The many stages one goes through when they feel threatened.Talking about life and death.Working through it all,with understanding folks.Making no judgements,on myself.Having a closer relationship with God,who can do for me,settle my fears,etc,etc,,what i cannot do for myself.
Thing is to focus on the truth,today.Which is,your prognosis IS,excellent.One Day At A Time.Living in the moment,for its all anyone of us really have.What will happen to me,in the next 5 minutes,i really dont know,for sure.I make plans and have goals,but i dont really know for sure what will happen,.My life is in God,s Hands.Only He knows His plans for me.
My prayers are with you.May God,s peace be with you always.

[clancy]

Thankx tammie, that was really helpful post.Im going to make that chart now.It sounds useful.

Its horrible feeling like that isnt it...you just cant seem to put t.he brakes on your runaway mind.

I think up so many complex and convoluted ghastly situations and I believe them! I wish I could believe the positive stuff,which you are right there is much more of than the negative....but I keep thinking oh this is me....it wont go well...blah blahblah its such a strong force against my well being, I wonder why I am reacting like this.I was quite calm at first.

I KNOW I should stop using,Iknow....I just cant esp not right now, id go ape ****, its only the diazepam thats anchoring me right now..trying to be strict with it only two 5mg's a day...partner is handing them out (and looking to relaxed for his own good - i think he is eating them too...arg!) Im trying hard to keep my feelings to myself as It dosent help sharing the same thing over and over... I just have to get a grip on this....... x

[2stop]

I couldn't 'get a grip" an anything, really.still can't.if naything we have to let go.of the old thought patterns............I know my thought processes and cognitive distortions kept me thinkin I HAD to use, numb, drug away my pain.I couldn't stop the pain by beating it to death...but I could replace it healthy thoughts.which automatically lead to feeling better. When actively addicted I lived totally off of how I felt............doesn't work too well......tough at first to wrap our minds around we can choose our thoughts.and therefore affetc our subsequent feelings...and actions....

Maybe find an action today that that takes you toward the light..........if it's easing anxiety about the melanoma dx.....journal it nout.write that chart out your way.......I just wanted to give you an example oh how I troubleshoot, and work on replacing self defeating beahviour patterns......it works with sobriety too...........identify your thoughts(erroneous or otherwise) and work through them.see if they are healthy....or founded in feeling.......then you can create a rationl response....directly affecting the outcome if acted upon in thought and deed.

In fact my very DESIRE to quit the pills grew in relation to how I viewed and challenged my belief systems/cognitive processes.....
what's that quote? As a man thinketh so shall he become.......it's true.and very powerful the ability of our minds.

LOve ya girl!!!! Rooting for ya!!! {{{huggy's}}}}'

Wish we could do lunch here....and just talk all afternoon!!!

[clancy]

I will get a handle on this, I just keep trying to think of all the positive stuff Ive heard i have all the good indicators a) im female b)under 60 c) the arm is a favorable site d) there is nearly 100% survival rate e) its very early, stage 0 im getting good care and treatment.....

this is working most of the time, sometimes this horrid gremlin jumps up and down at the back of my brain saying 'youre gonna die' so its him I need to kill off! Sometimes even the fact that im writing these words freaks me out...Im not to convinced about God really, although I DO pray I just dont seem to hear anything back - I really dont know about it at all.I know faith is supposed to help but Ive never really found a faith I could put my faith in if that makes sense...?

[laurie6781]

Clancy, in all seriousness, the next time the Gremlin starts jumping up and down tell him/her its too late. The committee was adjourned days ago and they are all on vacation, so "get out of here."

And then, do something nice for you, whether its making a fresh cup of tea or going outside and enjoying the day, etc

I know it sounds insane, but after doing that a few times, and yes I would say it out loud, the individual ones used to go away. And yes, I could shut the WHOLE committee down by literally shouting 'MEETING IS ADJOURNED.'

So maybe I'm crazy, lol, but it works for me.

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),

[clancy]

Thats an awesome idea Laurie, I'll try that. really funny,but Iimagine it might have an effect...he sleeps for now,but no doubt he will leap upagain soon - then I will try it!

[GettingFree]

Hi Clancy,

Good advice here already so I just wanted to say I really understand and sympathize. One of my biggest difficulties has been obsessive thinking and worry about things that may or may not happen. It's hard to turn off the chatter and put a pause on the mind-movies.

You're already doing the first and most important thing in calming this: being aware of this tendency. Being aware allows us to observe. To step back. To acknowledge. "Yes, that's what I'm doing. I'm worrying. I'm fearing the worst." To validate: "It makes sense I'm worrying -- I've had a lifetime of fearing the worst and being told the worst may happen." And to be compassionate. "It's really hard to be in that frame of mind." And show yourself love. And seek it elsewhere.

Below are affirming statements I read once as steps to take when getting caught up in worry.

“I know I will feel anxious when I think about future bad events, but I can cope with feeling anxious and I don’t have to exaggerate it by dwelling on those thoughts.

I can take constructive steps to prepare for coming events and that’s as much as anyone can do. Now I will think of something else or do something active to fill my mind.

I can even choose to act in some way that is in direct conflict with my worry. That will convince me of the folly of my unrealistic fears in the most compelling way of all – by facing them. That way I fwill find they were not what I had imagined.

I’ll learn through experience that with effective thoughts and actions, I can cope."


best,
gf

[indigo]

2stop said it Clanc!!!! you do what's needed.

indieannie

[clancy]

Hi guys, Im doing OK, havent had any more panic attacks and am going about my life, but its always there in the back of my head...And I saw this photo of me leaping around naked in the sea in Thailand which made really sad as Im not going to be able to risk that kind of behavior any more,alas. i was such a sunbaby! I will still travel, guess i'll have to be more careful tho.

Im not used to being careful! Its the first serious thing Ive everhad wrong with me so it is scary, but I will cope.I have to have more surgery on my arm on the 16th, a 'wide local excision' of the area which should leave me with an impressive battle wound - i guess a few scars lend character!

clancxx