New to seeking help

[Erin]

Hi
Little bit scared writing in a forum like this as I'm still trying to accept that I am an alcoholic. The acceptance of it has been challenging as I have lived with a 'lie' for over two years. My therapist finally called me on it four months ago and after a month sober, I relapsed off and on. I have tried to quit on my own and have realized that I can't do it alone.

Another part is that my mom is recovering alcoholic and my sisters and I grew up with we will never be like here. I didn't realize how much I am like her as an adult. My family is now highly judgemental and critical of any of these problems so we don't talk it.

I've discovered that it's not drinking that freaks me out so much as how do I live sober??? I've spent many weeknights coming home from work and downing a 'glass' of wine then ending up working through the whole bottle.

My boyfriend whom originally introduced me to drinking regularly (he does almost everyday and using it to 'manage' stress) will not acknowledge that I can't drink and to be honest I don't know whether we'd even be together if we were completely sober. Most of my friends are social drinkers and it's been a long time since I've been to a bar where I drank diet coke or water instead of beer. I used to do it, but since I started drinking regularly a few years ago I'm not sure whether I could.

I'm scared to go to AA meetings because of the public nature of it. As well I went to one and was slightly turned off by the God reference. I'm going to try to seek out more as my therapist has told me some meetings just don't 'fit'. I also felt like the youngest person in the room. And I have still maintained full time employment and relatively 'functioning' even though that the amount of time and money I've spent fueling an addiction is really 'functioning'.

It's also really sad to realize that I'm not a normal person. Like my friends who can have a few drinks and stop. I can't stop when I start. One drink turns out to be enough so I'm groggy enough to go to bed.

My therapist has instructed me to work on living in the moment instead of thinking about the past or the future so much. I think it might help. As well before all of this happened I was fairly physically active, trained for marathons, road my bike daily etc. I have decided to switch my hours of work (I put in 10 hour days) and start working 9 to 5 as there's an AA meeting at 5:15 which I could make. I know I have to make a concentrated effort to get to meetings even if it completely freaks me out. I'm not a 'joiner' by nature.

Anyway help, thoughts and suggestions would be useful right now.

Erin

[51anna]

Hi Erin,

Welcome! You've found a great place to come for support and encouragement. First of all let me say, AA works really well for some people. It's not the only way to stop drinking. I'm not an AA person myself and I've been sober 5 1/2 yrs.

I think you're experiencing the myriad of feelings that I went through when I stopped drinking. A fantastic book that I read is called "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. And, it is like losing a love, maybe the love of your life, when you stop drinking. For me, it had become the constant in my life, but my life became smaller and smaller the more I drank.

I relate so much to your comment about your family. My mother was an alcoholic and I vowed to never end up like her. I cried my eyes out when I realized that that was exactly what I had become. Looking back, I see that my motivation was negative in that I wanted to be 'not like her' rather than to 'be myself'.

I hope you keep posting here. We have lots of great women on the Women's forum.

[yeahme]

Hi Erin! Really glad to see you found us! I felt the same way about meetings. I didn't think I fit in either, I still had my job and didn't have half the issues the others had. I had never been to jail and thought of myself as a very functional addict. But you will find a meeting that fits your personality. Have you tried the smaller 3 step meetings? They are usually smaller and the people have been there a while and they focus on the beginnings of AA. You don't feel so over whelmed. My first few meetings I sat in the back hoping noone would see me and it took me quite a while to talk to people, but the people at the meetings are so accepting and friendly. But most of all they understand. Good luck.

[Justme57]

Hi Erin welcome to SR!

Lee here , Alkie from Aussie LOL

I chose AA as my method of recovery, mainly cos I knew nothing about ANY recovery programmes, but I did know that I wanted the emotionakl pain, and the self hate , and remorse to stop.

I suppose I was lucky, in that I had no preconcieved ideas about AA, so I did in fact go with an open mind .I like yeahme's suggestion of 3 step meetings, they are very good, but you just need to find some meetings where you feel comfy. let peole know you are new and they will welcome you with open arms .

For me , it was a decision which saved my life! I now have 2 1/2 years sobriety, and , like you have said, I had no idea how to live a sober life, especially a HAPPY sober life. I had used aldohol for 37 years to " cope " with living LOL What a change it has been, sobriety rocks ! LOL

Please keep posting , and let us know how you are going, and remember , you may be an alcoholic, but thats not all you are

HUGX
Lee

[aasharon90]

Hi Erin and Welcome to Sober Recovery. Glad u r here.

My name is Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

U'd be surprised at how many of us think the same way as u do. So many of us.....Believe me when u hear u are not alone. And u thought u wouldnt have any friends. : ) You will find out that the support here in recovery by many many will out number all the normal friends u have drinking. I stepped into recovery Aug.90 some 15 yrs ago via the back of a police car due to family intervention. I was 30 yrs old with 2 kids, spouse, 2 cars in the garage and house. I didnt even look like a drunk. Was prim an proper and nothing could bring me down so fast as did Alcohol. I wanted to escape the bordom of family life to be where the fun was. The lights, dancing, music, men. The club was my watering hole to make me feel wanted and needed. I thought i could hold my liquor like no other. But then Alcohol began to turn on me. I would come home late while my family was fast a sleep at home. I would race others down the hwy. Would drive up the innerstsate the wrong way. Thank God I never killed anyone. Nor did i ever get a DWI for my recklace driving. Until one night a mile away from home coming in later from the club i ran off the road and hit a culvert sitting ontop the ground. I was taken to the hopital in the back of the EMS and spent 10 days with them removing my spleen are else i would have bled to death. That was in Feb 90. 3 mos. later i picked up a drink after i healed very well and tried to end my misery. The progression of my disease was soooo rapid in that short amount of time. That was when my family did a family intervention on me and sent me to rehab for 28 days. There i picked up the tools of recovery to help me to learn how to stay sober one day at a time. My family did for me what i couldnt do for myself. For that i am truely greatful. I found in early recovery what worked best for me. Since i had 2 little ones at the time, i would go to noon meetings. Then could be at home when they got in from school. There were soooo many meeting i went to back in Baton Rouge. It was my escape from family life. Escape from people that didnt understand me. It amazing at how people in recovery make u feel. A feeling of exceptance. You dont have to be perfect all the time. Just be urself. I recieved the 12 steps which are the tools needed to stay sober. Taking one step at a time. First ADMITTING THAT U HAVE A PROBLEM, THEN SECOND ACCEPTING THAT PROBLEM AND THIRD BELIEVEING IN A POWER GREATER THAN URSELF TO RELY ON TO HELP U STAY SOBER. Just taking it step by step. Going to 90 meetings in 90 day was a good suggestion to new comers. Im pretty sure u will hear something that will help u....just listen take what u want from that meeting and leave the rest. The God thing...no one ever pushed that on me. everyone has their own beliefs and faiths..and all they ask of u is to rely on something...anything greater than u...more powerful that u to help u stay sober....the reason why they say this is because we know that getting sober by ourselves didnt work. For me i tried so many time to quit and it just never took. Im Catholic and thats my faith i grow on. For u it can be the AA group as a whole or whatever u want it to be. Very simple. Living sober scared me to death at the beginning as well....what am i gonna do now for fun? I knew i had to make some changes in my life. To change those people places and things that reminded me of drinking. those so call friends i met in the club...well im pretty sure some r still there. NOT ME... : ) And for places...no clubs or places that put alcohol or offer it to me because its too tempting, esp in early recovery. And things....ur favorite wine glass or bottle of beer...ur souveigners of drinking....out the door. Change isnt easy, but if have that WILLINGNESS to go to any lengths to stay sober and have that DESIRE to stay sober than u will do whatever it takes and follow the suggestions of those leading u in sobriety. There r many wonderful people in here helping u and guiding u in the right diresction to learn to live a more happy life without alcohol. Find u a temorary sponsor and hold on tight. We are all in the same boat as u begin paddling our way thru recovery to be HAPPY, JOYOUS AND FREE. GOD BLESS.

Thanks for letting me share.

[2stop]

WElcome to SR Erin!!!! Glad you joined us!!!! (((Hugs)))

[indigo]

Welcome Erin sit down and have a coffee with us, we love to exchange our lives and help each other.
indigo

[GettingFree]

Hi Erin,

Welcome. As someone who is not a 12-stepper, I too can attest that there are many routes to recovery. That said, I also know AA has been indispensible to many. Individual therapy was, and continues to be, critical for me and it's great that you're in a therapeutic relationship you seem to trust. The honesty you're showing here in your post will go a long way in your therapy and recovery should you choose to quit.

I also related to reference of your boyfriend. Going back many years now, I was introduced to cocaine by my then bf. Before that, I never even drank except one or two glasses of wine with a meal in social situations, never more. Over time with him, I began to abuse both cocaine and alcohol until I finally said no more. I also had to say no more to the relationship.

I hope you keep posting.

best
gf

[Erin]

Thanks for everyone's kind responses...

A few things. I want to try out AA but not sure if it's for me. I think now it might be useful and I'm willing to try. I'm not down with the religious references even though I'm a spiritual person. I picked up and read the Big Book and it was interesting. I'm going to pick up the other book recommended here as well.

As well am I daily trying (some days better than others) filling my time with stuff that I truly enjoy doing sober. Stuff that were daily/weekly things that I 'used' to do before I started down the path into this disease. Like baking bread, running, and even going to a hockey game last night with my brother, sister, and a friend and drinking pop and eating french fries (our team won).

Not ready to break up with the boyfriend just yet but see it as a possibility. We've been seeing each other for three years. I have my own apartment and we're together one or two nights a week. In the last month or so the urge to drink with him is less and we're actually starting to do other things like going to a movie or a walk. I need to take responsibility for the drinking specifically not drinking. I think was an alcoholic before I was an alcoholic - if that makes sense.

My therapist is great!!! She's extremely grounding. She's given me 'homework' to do between sessions which is awesome. She is the first person I spoke to about this and she's really good at asking blunt questions.

Thanks all for your support!!!

[Justme57]

Hi Erin, just dropped by to say hello

You are doing an awesome job ! btw congrats on your teams win LOL

keep posting

HUGX
Lee