Blew it again

[clancy]

I couldnt do it any more girls.I was so tired. I know my body needed food, I needed to feel sane so badly....I was such a wreck, pupils like saucers,shaking like a live wire.... I have to go back to school on tuesday,and I wouldnt have made it. I know you have heard it all from me before so I wont go on.My BF is giving me a small dose of tram am and pm so I can function,not get high. The relief of feeling okay again is indescribable, but what will the cost be? Will I still be welcome here if I cant get clean? I just want to live,be useful,feel normal.Thats all.I love you all. I felt horrible that I hadnt told you yet that I gave in. Im still trying to hold my head up. I am a good person. clanc xx

[51anna]

Clanc, of course you're a good person. And, of course, I still love you.

I'm not a bad person who is weak. I'm a good person who has a disease, an awful disease. I just wanted to live, feel normal and useful too but for me drinking just pushed me further away from that goal. I do take medication for depression and I need that to feel normal. It's brain chemistry that is the problem. I think you may need meds from a dr to feel normal too. I hope you find peace. I hope you find happiness.

I hope you feel better soon.

[clancy]

Anna,

I think you are right, it is amatter of brain chemistry. I just want to feel OK not ill, depressed or mad. Apparently Tramadol has an SSRI type anti depression action, an I think that I need an anti depressant of some sort to function.. I have decided that i will sort this out with the dr. I have had a fair amount of stress recently, with my skin cancer diagnosis and im just going to go easy on myself, be positive,and get myself the help I need -peace, Clancxx

[golf99]

It's not easy. Hang in.

[milla]

((Clancy)), I usually post in Naranon but just had to pop in to give you some hugs. No one thinks you are a bad person.

I have been told many times (And I BELIEVE it with all my heart) that with every relapse and every attempt at getting clean, you get one step closer to real recovery.

I believed it with my abf who is clean today and I believe it with you. Hang in there. You will get there. love & hugs, Milla

[2stop]

{{{clancy}}} Of course I still love you.and YOU ARE NOT a bad person.get that out of your head right now.....your life is such as important as any of ours! I still ahve faith in you.................I fell a lot too.I couldn't quite put it all together.................it tok me a very long time to get recovery into my head, and my heart. Just keep doing what you can.talk to a doc about antidepressants.......stay busy in school, accept yourself clancy...right where you are..right now..love YOU..that's the most important advice I can ever ever give you...............accept you...for you.and know your life has value and worth that is priceless.

I am still rooting for you clancy.you're stronger than you know..I think sometimes we are very very afraid of that power within ourselves, that strength that keeps nagging us to step up! When you begin to love and accept yourself......that strength won't intimidate you so.

LOve you dearest clancy..............take good care of yourself, okay?

P.S. can you PM me your address again? I want to send you a card...if you want that is.,...beem sending out lots of snail mail to friends here..would love to send you a cheery card now and then with a lil surprise in it........

[indigo]

((((Canc))))) You are loved.
annie

[splendra]

(((clancy))))

[GettingFree]

Originally Posted by clancy

I felt horrible that I hadnt told you yet that I gave in. Im still trying to hold my head up. I am a good person. clanc xx

Oh clanc! God, do I know that shameball you're talking about. Feeling like we're defined by our worst mistakes, that that's all that people will see, and that we have to justify that we are indeed good people. But you don't have justify here. We know that you're a wonderful person, just badly wounded like all the rest of us. Keep going, keep fighting. Maybe anti-depressents may help.

best
gf

[clancy]

I feel alot better today, yes I am taking the tramadol, but Im only having 2 in the morning and two at night. My partner is keeping them and giving them out to me so I cant overdose myself. I was going in to neurological meltdown in withdrawal and it may seem like my addict talking, making excuses but Its just so tough on my body going through what I have too when I quit, I seize, which is horrible and cant eat or sleep. I have trouble maintaining my weight anyhow.

Anyway i feel alot more positive now, and am happy to be getting back to school tommorow.

I feel very inspired by Kahlia and her bravery, and the way she let me help her in her darkest hours made me feel needed and useful, I feel she gave me a lovely thing there....to be able to give something of worth, when I often feel that I just take, was beautiful. I am so grateful for that.