why this stupid reaction??

[clancy]

I had such a stupid ungrateful unbelivable reaction to areally lovely act of kindness today.You wont believe thiss.My partners son and daughter heard about my arm andvery kindly and im sure lovinglyly and thoughtfully sent me a big box of flowers.I was really excited to get a parcel and First I thought they from my partner.But when I opened the box theywere these big spiky bird of paradise things and they had ones of those little printed impersonal cards with them. I had been fine before,trying to keep my spirits up, but when I saw them I just screamed in terror....something in my minds shouted 'These are 'going to die' flowers' im so glad there was nobody else in the house because i became almost hysterical. What a dreadful selfish reaction,why on earth would I think that! I am NOT going to die! Im so ashamed, and still an little freaked out. What on on earth would they thought if they knew?

I must ring them and thank them profusely.

OK so im pre menstrual, on a second day withdrawal (4567th bash at getting clean) and still a bit scared about my arm even though the dr said I had an almost 100% survival rate from early skin cancer.

Im just nuts at the moment.Last night I slept walked and saw people in my house, and found myself in the kitchen with a hot mug of tea in my hand.I was alone in the house! Then when I went back to bed I was so uncomfortable that my conciousness would not stay put in my body, and I just wandered around doing that OOBE thing. Im a freak! Im really trying tocalm myself and do some deep breathing and forget about my silly reaction. When I was a Little girl I had the same reaction to doll for christmas some nice people gave me.I saw its eyes looking at me thru the bright xmas paper and screamed til i had to be sedated. It kind of took me back tothen. Send some hugs girls, i feel very weird right now. xx

[GettingFree]

Originally Posted by clancy

Im a freak! Im really trying tocalm myself and do some deep breathing and forget about my silly reaction.

Hey Clancy,

You are not a freak. And you're not silly.

What would happen if you turned that judgment around -- the "I am a freak" judgment, looked at your past, your experiences as a child, everything you've lived through, and could say, "Yeah, it makes perfect sense I react like this. It makes sense I feel this. Of course I do."

I found that when I was able to view myself with this kind of compassion, and look at all that I'm intent on criticizing in myself as being their for good reason, I was then able to really facilitate the process of change. I was able to acknowlege that all the adult behaviors that were destructive -- or I had seen through countless other negative filters -- made complete sense when seen in light of my past.

And that very acknowledgement allowed me to stop judging myself as I had done so fiercely, which set up a vicious cycle of self-hate and defeat. That cycle is so destructive.

Once I started connecting the dots, seeing it made perfect sense I was where I was, feeling compassion, I could start the process of forgiveness, self-love and change.

Just some thoughts,
gf

[51anna]

Hi Clancy,

First of all, I'm glad you're trying to get clean again. As our thread in Newcomers says "Don't Quit". You need to keep trying. And, I think that is such a sweet thing for your partner's son and daughter to do - sending you flowers to show you they are thinking of you. Stay positive Clancy and believe that your arm is going to be fine. I think it's probably shaken you up a bit to hear the news about the cancer, but you have every reason to believe your dr.

So, make your call and say thanks and try to relax.

[clancy]

Hi folks,
thanks for your messages.Its Amazing to have someone to tell when you can tell anyone else...you know when you do something so freaky and silly..... I phoned the kids and thanked them warmly for their flowers, they are beautiful really and look fantastic in my room. Im so up and down though, I am sso worried about the effect im having on my partner.He works all day long with schizophrenics ..24hr shifts..and comes come hollowed out with nothing left to give, meanwhile ive been lonely and anxious, fighting depression and fear, waiting for him to come home, wanting love and attention....you can imagine how the arguments start.All i ever seem to say im sorry,im sorry..... so weak and pathetic I KNOW the right thing to do is to talk about something different- not me and my giant needy mu receptors!

Day three and I had the expected grim night, howling,and sleep walking and speaking in tongues the minute I managed to lose conciousness for a second.... I got up at two to give the poor guy a break and sat and did some photoshop work in my room, thats my therapy! its so absorbing,needs intense concentration for the tricky bits, but so rewarding when you make something beautiful.

So im still sitting here now, feeling slightly less like a giant hungary mu receptor on legs, but not much! My little monkey keeps whispering in my ear 'come on clancy,not now for gods sake, give your guy a break,how can you put him thru this now? You could be happy again SO easily,all the fear and pain would be gone..... why not?why not? feed me..feed me..." I have to be doing something furiously not to hear. reading, watching TV or meditating is useless right now...I have to be chasing pictures or working on them or talking to someone who I cant be honest with! Sounds weird but its no good talking to mates who know be well, especially my partner.
Because when I try to express my self the most weird and excruciating bullshit comes out of mouth. I have a ferocious imagination and lived totally in my own world as a kid. They thought I was autistic at one point. I still have a tendency to do that...I have whole worlds in my head... I really need to try to stay grounded in this one. I may have some acupuncture when my grant comes thru. its very expensive, but it has a very good effect. The guy always tells me to eat meat (id eat myself first!) to ground me, but I cant do that. Whenever I eat anything I like to think about how it was created, an orange ripenening in the sun, comming to maturity,just for me, home baked bread made with love by my partner, I know my problem is thinking to much...but to eat murder victims (thats just how it is in MY head really and truly not wanting to sart debate here!!) would send me insane. Id feel llike a walking cemetery! jeez im just talking rubbish arent I... its just journalling I guess.

Well I think Ill go and try a little light reading.....Ulyleses (thats not how you spell it is it?!)perhaps....hysterical giggles....I have heard the mermaids calling, each to each..no that was Elliot?? Right im gonna have my um, let me see 11th cup of tea (really not kidding) Tea is my uttersalvation..how very british eh?...gurgle gurgle....

love from a very mad clancxxx

[clancy]

Ugh- Ugh -ugh - Ugh Uogh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[clancy]

Sorry about that,Im comming here to scream instead of near my partner. my fingers are tingling.do you think its MS?

[GettingFree]

Scream away. Just keep breathing. And keep telling yourself that what you're experiencing now is completely normal. It's not easy, but it is exactly to be expected and you're strong enough to pull through. Just look at the fight and spirit in you Clanc! You're a beautiful, strong spirit filled with wonderful energy and beauty who's been through a hell of a lot in your young lifetime and had to deal with a lot of s**t and pain from a very early age. But you're a strong survivor and if you've survived all the other stuff in your life till now, you can survive this period of getting clean. It will get easier. Better. More joyful. More strong.

hang in
gf

[indigo]

Don't project the worse...I know easier said than done...you're not mad Clancy everyone I think freaks over cancer but their really is a great chance of clearing it for good. I know a few people who've had melanoma's (sp) and have totally recovered. Keep to a good skin block sis.
HUGS annie

[BigSis]

Clancy,

I lived with a fellow for five years before I met Mr. Big... at the time, I was unemployed - and he was ok with that. But what he was NOT ok with was that I sat around ALL day waiting for him to get home and be my world.

It took me getting out and getting a job, a life, some responsibilities in order for me to stop expecting from him many things I needed to do for myself.

Perhaps you cannot work right now, and I can understand that. But I bet you could be a great volunteer, and I don't know a town or city in the world that can't use volunteers.

Around here, we actually have agencies that list the type of volunteers they need in the paper. If there is nothing like that in the UK, you might call your local hospital, rehab, senior center, animal shelter, women's shelter or food bank and see if they have something you could do for one or two hours every day.

Getting outside of yourself can be a big step in living life... and giving of yourself. I don't know an addict or alcholic who hasn't needed to get outside of his or her own head... even sober folks need to do that.

You might consider giving it a try. Everyone has something of value to give... even if it is only reading to a senior citizen, listening while someone talks, driving a person to an appointment, or filing papers or stacking food cans. We all have soemthing to offer.

I urge you to give it a try.

[clancy]

Well, I am at university full time sis, its just spring break right now and I have been draggin my ass a bit.
Its not that I dont loads of uni work to do, Ive just been havin a freak lately over this an that, and not feelin like socialising an stuff - nooo our spring breaks arent like the riotus ones i hear about in the US - I wish.. My uni fees are paid mostly by govt, cos im poorish but just not beeing able to get out earning is pretty hard on the household budget. I do the odd wedding or portrait, and over summer break im going to Delhi to work on a english language paper there (easy to get work there as a tog (thats our jargon for photographer) if u speak good english and Hindi. Its my second language now i spent so much time there so its a good op for me.Partner is a hack (journo!) in his 'other life' too so will be much more of a team thing.Moneys terrible but then lifes dirt cheap over there ..in more ways than one, but hey I like, I feel I belong, get homesick for the place. I never been depressed in India.Violently ill yes, but never down .My fate lies there I think.Thanks for thinking of me hun xxx

[BigSis]

(((Clancy)))) ... I didn't realize you were on break... sometimes relaxation can be harder than workin'! Sending thoughts and prayers for a peaceful week....