How would you handle this? (Advice needed please)

[kathyInSanDiego]

I've got a drinking problem. I drink to the point of blackouts when in a social situation. I'm recognizing this problem and doing everything I can to eliminate any further problems.

About 1 year ago, my sister had me over to her house for my birthday (July 4th). She invited several of her friends (none of mine) and we all proceeded to get very drunk. A co-worker of her husband also attended the party and when I was drunk to the point of complete incoherence, he took advantage of me. I woke up in total confusion and mortification to find him in bed next to me in my Sister's RV parked in the driveway. I wriggled out of that situation and went home in shame.

Now, I'm a full grown woman (single) and will take responsibility for my own actions. I own up to my mistake and vow it to never happen again.

My sister told everybody in my family about my "mishap" and now I'm labled as a psychotic s-l-u-t who cannot be trusted around her husband, etc. Even though I've never been inappropriate with her husband in the 9 years they've been married, this incident is being held against me. Her husband has also told people at his work that I'm a s-l-u-t with a ton of mental problems and this backstabbing gossip got back to me just recently through a friend of a friend. The fact that I'm white and the man I inadvertently dallied with is black only adds fuel the fire.

I wasn't aware of all of this gossip about me behind my back until just recently when I included her husband (Pat) in a social situation and my sister, who was out of town at the time, had a complete fit that he was with me at a friend's house, partying. It was all very innocent other than the fact that we were drinking and she had my mom drive over to pick him up and take him home. It emascualated him in front of one of his co-workers, who was present at the get-together and therefore he told his co-worker that I was a psychotic s-l-u-t who could not be trusted around him and that's why his wife had such a fit about his presence there.

When my girlfriend told me about Pat's backbiting me, I was devastated. Other than that incident at the "birthday party", I've never given them any reason to distrust me or accuse me of such poor judgement.

This is such a horrible thing to tell strangers about a member of your family and my head is spinning to realize this is happening to me.

Now both my sister and brother-in-law are heavy drinkers and sit in their driveway drinking beer every night. I honestly don't think they'll ever quit drinking and I'm much better off never going over there again, which I won't.

Still, this type of betrayal is tearing me apart. How am I going to handle future family gatherings at my mom's house. How many Christmas/Thanksgivings can I get out of in the years to come? What excuse am I going to come up with, when begging off of these gatherings?

I told my mother about what Pat said about me behind my back and she just laughed and said she was staying out of it. She also alluded to the situaiton with that guy and stated that as a reason. I didn't know she even knew about that incident. This leads me to believe that she shares their low opinion of me....

I'm truly devastated about this turn of events that all came about because I tried to be kind to Pat to include him in a gathering when he was home alone and bored while my sister was out of town.

Now make no mistake, alcohol is at the root of many of these issues and I'm joining AA to turn this aspect of my life around. I fully plan to never drink again. However, I have no idea what to do to fix this current situation.

How would you handle this?

[51anna]

Well, this is a really sad situation. First, I'd say that one of the hardest things I had to learn when I stopped drinking, was that I couldn't fix everything that I messed up while I was drinking. I fixed what I could and that's the best I could do. It was so hard to have to accept that some things were just not in my control.

With that said, you have a couple of choices here. You can hold your head up high and show your family members, by your behaviour, that you have changed. It will take some time and patience to do that. Or, you can avoid your family members. Frankly, I think the way your sister and brother-in-law treated you is absolutely horrible. To have spread around such awful gossip about you is just a very low thing to do. I also think your mother should have been supportive of you when you turned to her.

I think it depends what you want and how you see your life evolving. I am not someone who believes that you 'should' spend time with family simply because they are your family. If they hurt you, cause you pain, and particularly if they interfere in any way with your recovery, then I think you can find 'family' elsewhere. What do you want?

[namommy]

Welcome to SR.

It's really tough to give advice on this type of situation, but I like everything Anna had to say.

My suggestion, stay sober, go to meetings, get a sponsor, and start working on yourself. Once you do, your family will eventually recognize it.

[Justme57]

Hi Kathy , I really feel for you in your pain. The best ammends you can make right now, is to stay sober, and get to meetings. Have you discussed this with your Sponser? What does she advise? it is in this type of situation that a Sponser is so very helpful.

I had a drunken incident with my son, and his family , my grandies, ( I was a drunken dialler), and this caused my son to cease communication with me entirely. I now have 2 1/2 years sober, and the only thing that has changed is that I am sober. MY Sponser advised me, to never force a conclusion to a situation if the timing was not right . I have done everything HUMANLY possible, and now I have handed it over to my HP, and have been able to let it go. I am sure that in HIS eiming , a conclusion will eventuate.

IMO all you can do, is to take care of your side of the street, do the next right thing, and hand it over .

Good Luck! keep us posted

HUGX
Lee

[laurie6781]

Kathy, I had a lot of those "incidents" and WORSE in my drinking past. And my family, especially my mother would throw them at me, especially when she was trying to get me to do something her way, or something she wanted (guilt trip).

Now mind you by this time I was 42 and 6 years sober, rofl. So I would look her in the eye, and say "that was then, this is now, that was the drinking me, this is the sober and clean me." and I would change the subject. It did stop! My mom and I had a good relationship until her passing in Feb. 2004, and my sister and I are really great friends today!!!!! Better than we had ever been before.

You too can get to that point, like Lee said, "the best amends you can make right now, is to stay sober, and get to meetings.", and there are LOTS of Great Meetings in the San Diego Area, I know, lol got sober in the San Fernando Valley and used to make many many trips down to San Diego and always went to a meeting or two while there.

Keep posting Kathy, let us know how it is going. It does get Better and Better!!!!

Love and hugs,

[Rowan]

Hi Kathy and welcome,

Many years ago I went to a New Year's party that my sister was holding. She and I were not close, but I went since mutual friends would be attending.
I got very drunk, as did others. My sister's fiancee came on to me, but nothing happened. However, unfortunately, my sister had come down to the basement where I was going to bed and found her soon-to-be husband preparing to lie down himself. She blew up, but blamed me! She locked herself in her room, and never witnessed what then happened, I went upstairs, he followed me, and then came on to two other girls at the party. My sister of course never witnessed this, and so soon forgave and married this man but blamed me and talked to her friends and our family about this. I was furious and hurt, but also felt deep shame because it was my nature to take on others' responsibility.
My sister and I have never been the same, and that's just fine. She's no longer married to that guy either.
What's ironic is that after she left her husband (about four years ago) I found out that she had SEX in MY BED with a STRANGER she met online while I was in Nova Scotia. She was supposed to be housesitting!! A 'friend' of hers told me, and she blew it off when I confronted her, saying it wasn't a big deal!
She wasn't/isn't capable of taking responsibility for her actions, and that's too bad.
Blood is blood, though, and if she ever truly needs me, I'll be there in a heartbeat. But in the meantime, I'll stick with those I can trust.
As others have suggested, get and stay sober, and hold your head high.
Sobriety has been a wonderful gift for this alcoholic.
God Bless.

Love Rowan

[kathyInSanDiego]

Thank you all for the wonderful words of wisdom. I've yet to even make it to a meeting so I don't have a sponsor, but I plan to soon.

Rowan, that is an absolutely horrific story and sounds so much like the way my life has been going.

I'm not sure if this is a story I could even tell at a meeting. I'm so ashamed that I passed out and had this guy do whatever he did with me. I really have no memory whatsoever of that night and the next morning I could not have been more shocked to see him there!

I'm even more so mortified that this story has been passed around and no doubt amplified greatly with each telling. I'm certain that I've been quite wonderful fodder for my sister and her husband at their drinking parties, which go on EVERY NIGHT.

I'm trying to look on the bright side of this and see that some good has come out of it. I will never again hang out at their house getting drunk. Because of their cruelty, I've taken one huge step towards sobriety.


The pain really is palpable tho

[Rowan]

Hon, you won't need to share that experience at a meeting. That's something you can share with a sponsor. It's best to share in a general way at meetings; this has been my experience.
The story I told you was tame compared to other stuff that happened to me during my drinking 'career'. It is wonderful to be free from such chaos. I don't need that sort of drama in my life anymore!
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Rowan

[indigo]

First off Welcome and second what everyone had to say I would say the same! Anna is very wise.....and so are all the others.
You will be in my thoughts today. Please keep posting.
INDIGO

[CarolD]

For me...
Drunken sex never counts

[Kahlia]

Originally Posted by 51anna

Well, this is a really sad situation. First, I'd say that one of the hardest things I had to learn when I stopped drinking, was that I couldn't fix everything that I messed up while I was drinking. I fixed what I could and that's the best I could do. It was so hard to have to accept that some things were just not in my control.

With that said, you have a couple of choices here. You can hold your head up high and show your family members, by your behaviour, that you have changed. It will take some time and patience to do that. Or, you can avoid your family members. Frankly, I think the way your sister and brother-in-law treated you is absolutely horrible. To have spread around such awful gossip about you is just a very low thing to do. I also think your mother should have been supportive of you when you turned to her.

I think it depends what you want and how you see your life evolving. I am not someone who believes that you 'should' spend time with family simply because they are your family. If they hurt you, cause you pain, and particularly if they interfere in any way with your recovery, then I think you can find 'family' elsewhere. What do you want?

Anna said such a beautiful statement here in her post..you do not need this dysfunction in your life...I had in mine and disconecced from all of the "family"-they were NOT family, family supports you, loves you, as Anna said your Mother should have supported you not just laughed and went about her business and said " I am not getting involved in this"-I KNOW that one OH too well. You cannot pick your family, true but you do NOT have to put up with them either. I thought that word FAMILY meant something....NOPE..it is just a word..anyone can be your family...and treat you better..I would HIGHLY advise you to leave these cruel, heartless people alone. I have been in your shoes, not the same situation, but the same family....it will NEVER change....I guarantee it. YOU are looking for approval and love and they are not going to give it-they don't even know how...I wish you PEACE in your jouney to find a family that does show you approval and love and that you will be able to KNOW that they are PROUD of YOU.........Kahlia

[kathyInSanDiego]

Kahlia, yours and Anna's words truly have helped assuage the pain I'm feeling.

I agree with you that I have no real "family" here and I realize that I never had. There are so many reasons relating to this "family" as to why I had myself sterilized so that I wouldnt have to put my child thru any of what I've had to deal with.

I have to tread very carefully here as there is a substantial inheritance at risk. I know that my sister and brother-in-law have engineered many problems at my expense in order to stay in mom's good graces and benefit from the family assets. They have accomplished quite a bit with their manipulations. So far Mom has given them a house on 3/4 of an acre ( In North San Diego), a Cadillac, a complete remodel of the house with the best upgrades money can buy and so much more.

I never expected anything and I got exactly what I expected -- NOTHING. However, I think I'm still in the will to inherit one of the houses and that would make my retirement (in 20 years) so much more pleasant and my quality of life infinitely better.

So I need to be as mellow as possible when distancing myself from these people. Most assuredly, I'll never go back over to my Sister's house but wriggling out of the Christmas/Thanksgiving meals at mom's are going to be difficult.

I'm thinking that I can volunteer my services at a shelter on those evenings and mom can't be too hard on me about my choice.

I could be wrong tho I'm extremely distraught and not thinking very clearly at this time.

Thanks again for the much needed support.

[51anna]

Hi Kathy,

I agree that you don't need to cut ties now, or at any time in the future, unless that's what you want to do. Just be careful that you don't pay too much for what you hope to get from your parents as an inheritance. Your self-respect is worth more than anything.