Whats wrong with me....and whats right with me

[PaperDolls]

I decided to start a new thread. I've realized I've been having this great big pity party and I'm tired of it. I'm sure anyone who's been reading the "What's wrong with me...." thread is tired of it too.

So this is how this whole pity party started. This list I made on 1/26/06. I'm going to attempt to explain some things off as I go over it.

What’s wrong with me:
•I’m not healthy – don’t eat right, eat junk late at night when I can’t sleep and I’m not really hungry, smoke, I’d like to lose 25 pounds.
I feel like I'm trying to get healthier. I'm still a smoker and don't plan to quit any time real soon. I've lost somewhere around 12 lbs and I haven't been doing the late night binge eating.
•Can’t sleep – always wake up tired
I've been sleeping better for the most part but I do wake up not feeling rested about 5 days out of the week. I need to speak to my doctor about this again. I cannot afford the sleep study.
•Can’t budget my money well – I’m broke but I shouldn’t be
I'm still working on this one.
•I don’t follow through with anything
At this point, there isn't much to follow through with, I don't do anything really except for come to work. I need much work in the motivation department.
•I don’t have any energy
This sort of goes along with not feeling rested. It also has to do with my mental energy.
•I feel like I’m always “faking it”
I don't fake it anymore. I'm really trying to be better at being ME.
•I can’t say how I feel – I don’t know how I feel
I still have a hard time identifying my emotions. I've been reading a book that has some activities to help me with this.
•It’s easy for me to express anger
This has always been the case for me but I don't see it as a problem.
•I don’t like to cry in front of people
Still don't like doing this.
•I like to keep things to myself – I tell myself “it’s my business” even though things affect my partner
I still have this "my business" mentality but I've been making a real effort to share with my gf and I think it's been helping.
•I keep things to myself because I’m embarrassed or ashamed of them
•I don’t know or understand why I’m depressed
•I’m scared to death when I am home alone at night. I usually don’t sleep at all. Sometimes lie in bed and cry. I’m sure someone will break into the house and rape and kill me. (phobia?) Every noise I hear sounds like the front door or a broken window….etc. I used to drink a six-pack (give or take) so I could be drunk enough to pass out. I would then hide the empties in the trashcan before my partner would get home.
The Effexor must have helped with this. I've sort of all a sudden noticed that I'm not scared anymore. This is the one positive effect that I know the meds have had on me. I have been home alone since my sobriety and I was able to stay sober and keep myself busy and not be scared
•I don’t feel like I know who I am or what I’m doing.
•I’m a binge drinker – (I quit drinking on 12/3/05)
I've been sober now for 4 months. I still wish I could drink like a normal person but I know I can't. I'm proud of myself for staying sober.
•I can’t make decisions.
•I can’t concentrate.
Both concentration and making decisions are still almost impossible for me. I've been so much in to my head lately that it's so mixed up. I has really been affecting my work. Again, something i need to speak to the Dr. about.

I'm sorry this is so long. I just had to get his all out.

The book I've been reading has made me realize how negative my thinking is. It give me some great ideas on how to stop that type of thinking. I am going to find a therapist. I've been saying that for some time now and I am going to do it. My plan is to go back to my Dr. and talk to him about my concerns. I'm going to explain my anxiety about finding a therapist and see if he can point me in the right direction or give me a referral. I did just recently read that it might be better to go to a psychiatrist to have med prescribed because they are better at it. I'll ask him about that as well.

My next step, later today or may be tomorrow is to make a "Gratitude List".

[PaperDolls]

Wow, I'm afraid my posts make me seem a wee bit crazy.

Sorry.

[CarolD]

This info might explain ome of your concerns...

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

Take care

[Done_With_It]

You don't sound crazy at all. All of that sounds very healthy to me.

Your going in the right direction. It's great to keep yourself accountable.

I know I am kind of stagnant with some of my issues too. It's easy to get stuck.

There's a great book you may like called, "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway"
by Susan Jeffers. It helped me so much.

You hang in there, your not crazy, I can relate to so much of what you said.

I'm here for ya girl!

[Hope]

You don't sound crazy. Your posts make complete sense. It is great that you are open and are working on things that are bothering you. Small steps-- lead to much bigger things. Progress not perfection they say. Set small goals and work towards that. It will give you a sense of accomplishment and a drive to pursue more things. That is what I started doing and it has helped.

You know we are here 27/7 to lend tons of support!

[goffredo]

Good morning paperdolls (well, it's morning here in London!)

It is a good day today. I left home and my gf and I said to each other: today we'll stay positive all day, whatever happens during the day it is a good thing. Just for today, I will not find faults in anything or anybody, including me, I will not criticise, moan or wish for anything I haven't got. I am who I am, where I am and right now, this is what counts. Right now I don't have any problems. I then looked at myself in the mirror and said: I am beautiful, I unconditionally respect and accept myself.

As soon as I saw your new threat, I read the title and thought: that's great, way to go dolls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is so refreshing, uplifting, loving and gentle, yes!!!!!!!

Like I said yesterday, it's ok to feel down and above all to feel what we're feeling, but it's also ok and very good to feel positive, grateful and look at the bright side of life.

This is my grateful list for today:

I am grateful for:

a blue sky
a sunny day
to be alive
my job
the love of my gf
my recovery
my gf's recovery
AA
Alanon
my friends
SR
my intelligence
my Higher Power
my sister, my nephew, my brother-in-law
my pets
I had a laugh this morning
my health
my house
paperdolls is positive today


love Jo

[Justme57]

Hi there PD

Your list certainly did not sound crazy to me !

I still have times when i cant make decisions, and cant concentrate, not as often as i used to though .

i STILL have trouble identifying feelings, I was taught from an early age, to keep my feelings to myself, but I am getting better! My Sponsor had me write down , and name , my feelings , and then to conciously , " feel" them. I am getting better at this.

The talking to others was , ansd still is to an extent, a biggie for me . I always was a "private person", but AA has taught me the value of sharing with like minded people, and it has been very theraputic for me, but still takes effort LOL

Crying at all has always been hard for me, even alone , not sure why, but recently , I cry more easily, and it feels good to do so. I used to feel guilty if I cried .

I think you are coming along just great PD , an awesome effort !

ps I would be very interested in knowing of that book you are reading

HUGX
Lee

[2stop]

Not crazy at all...................I thought it was well written...very honest and very touching. Sounds to me like you would make leaps and bounds with a good cognnitive therapist. Identifying our erroneous thinking patterns and correcting them to be more accurate and healthy is an awesome way that I keep my sobriety..and my sanity. You sound like a very strong person to me..keep up the good work...it gets better! It's just some times are really really tough....
Your Erroneous Zones by Dr. Wayne Dyer has helped me with identifying erroneous thought patterns, negative thinking etc......and helped me to correct some of them...not all yet.LOL..but working at it.there are some other good books out there too........I can't remember the name of one of them..will try to find it for you.was also very helpful for me.

****Hugs****

[PaperDolls]

Gooooood Morning Sunshine!

I feel great today. Weird thing is, I didn't fall asleep until around 3am and slept until 830 so of course I was late for work. Being late today was okay though because (1) I was at work until 1130 last night and (2) my boss is out of town.

I feel happy today and my head seems clear. Seeing these responses helped a lot. Jo, you are so great at being positive and sound like you and your gf are really on your way.

2stop - just fyi, these leaps and bounds were not with the help of a therapist. I mean, I did go to one for a very short time but I didn't work out and I'm looking for a new one.

Lee - The book I've been reading is Kicking Depression's Ugly Butt: Tried and True Methods
for Outsmarting Depression. Reading the first 3 chapters helped me feel like I wasn't the only one going through this crap. If I can get my gf to read at least those chapters I think it will help her understand what depression is and may be even how to better deal with it.

Thank you all for telling me I'm not crazy! It helps to know people are going or have gone through the same stuff.

Today I am grateful for:
the sunshine
the blue sky
my family
the love my gf and I have for each other
my sense of humor
my home
my job
SR and all of you.

Thank you!

~doll

[laurie6781]

You don't sound at all crazy to me. Just to let you know I was the way you are until about 7 months sober. Couldn't concentrate, couldn't retain information, thoughts going 100 mph in my head.

Oh and the sleep thing, I remember it well. And my wonderful AA friends used to really p*ss me off by saying "nobody dies from lack of sleep." Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

lol but its true. You may want to try some of those "breathe right" strips and see if you feel more rested. They do seem to help to get more oxygen into the system while asleep.

Anyway, it will pass. You are NOT crazy. Honest injun. lol

Oh and yes the quitting smoking will come in time, and budget sense will come in time. lol Boy I wanted it all RIGHT NOW in early sobriety.

Do something nice for yourself today.

Love and hugs,

[PaperDolls]

Took two clonazopam at 800pm then another half at 930pm. I just wanted to sleep. I know I probably shouldn't have taken them, and I was feeling it for sure.......may be I just didn't want to think. Just sleep. Got into bed at 1000-ish and didn't get up until 810am. Late for work AGAIN. GF is annoyed with me. She told me last night that If I didn't have the boss I have I would have been fired by now. She said I just need to get up.......sometimes she's tired and she gets up.

I'm annoyed with myself but otherwise my head is clear, not so jumbled up today. I might take a nap at lunch.

Today I am grateful for:
my life
my sobriety
my job
my ability to put on a happy face

~doll

[2stop]

{{{doll}}}

[PaperDolls]

Thanks 2stop - I needed that.

[goffredo]

Hi Doll

be gentle with yourself.

Well done for the gratitude list.

please, do not mess around with those tablets!

Love Jo

[Hope]

Keep focusing on the positive.

You are a strong and wonderful person, always remember that.

love,
Cheryl

[PaperDolls]

Good Morning Girls (and boys)

Thanks you Hope and Jo for the words of encouragement!

As far as the pills..........I don't think my sleep meds (lunesta) are working well any more. I've been taking 2 or 2 1/2 clonazopam to get to sleep. They work well although sometimes I feel a bit hung-over. I know they can be addictive but they've been working for me. I know I shouldn't do it. But, I've got to sleep, right? I really need to get a schedule and stick to it. Work out, eat dinner, relax (watch TV), get to bed. It so hard to keep a routine after the time changes for me. The sun is up so much later and I find myself out working in the yard later and later and before you know it I'm not back in the house until 8pm and I still need to shower and eat dinner and I NEED the relax time. Blah.....even after all of that bitching I'm doing pretty well.

I went to my brother's engagement party on Saturday night. Of course there was a lot of drinking, they even had margarita machines. I didn't have any problem not drinking, no cravings or any thing. They only thing I didn't like was that people asked me why and I don't want to tell them and I feel like a liar.....I'll get over that. I'm sure eventually get over that and just tell people.

Interesting conversation with my dad last week. He's been sober since 1970, 35 years now, since before I was born. I always knew as a kid, Dad's and alcoholic and he doesn't drink, never a big deal, just was. But we never really talked about it. I asked him some questions about it last week. Turns out he was mostly a binge drinker (like me!), he said he would have died if he kept going the way he was. He wasn't a daily drinker but he said "Whenever I drank I just kept on drinking, never stopped. I'd stay drunk for about a week then take a small break." WHOA! Just like me except I was lucky enough not to get to the point that I stayed drunk for a week although I know I had/have it in me. As we were talking I thought I should just tell him that I'm the same as him and I quit drinking in December but I just don't want to make a big deal about it. I'm just such a private person.

Talked to my mom about drinking too. Her four year mark is coming up on June 4th. I'm so proud of her. She is such a better person. A different person. I didn't really have a mom for a long time and I love having her now. We are so close. Not until I was in my late 20's did we start saying I Love You. I don't even remember it as a kid. We didn't do or say stuff like that. I still have a problem with what I call the "mushy" stuff. I'm better but "mush" is just too "mushy" to me.

I plan on making some calls this afternoon (if I'm not too busy at work) to find a new therapist.

I've got more but this is getting way too long. Sorry about that.

I wish you all a wonderful day!

~doll

[PaperDolls]

I've got the weekend to myself. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing. This used to be the time I would shut myself in the house and drink away. I mean only after the sun went down (mostly), that made me feel better about it. Pfffft.

I've got myself a list of things to do around the house so that should keep me busy.

I lost one more pound. WooHoo!

Today I am grateful for:
spring
flowers
nature
my lovey puppy dogs
my lovey gf
my smile
my laugh
my family
my job
my paycheck
positive thinking

Have a wonderful holiday weekend kids. :bun5

~doll

[PaperDolls]

Good morning - rise and shine!

It was a good weekend. I kept myself busy. Mowed the lawn, watered the flowers, washed the dogs, washed my car......Oh and I got to babysit for my 1 year old niece. She's so stinkin' cute.

I wanted a beer but didn't give in. The neighbors down the street were hanging out on the front porch Sat. night drinking beer and having a good old time. I really wanted to go hang with them but I knew I'd end up having a beer so I stayed home and went to bed early. I even slept well.

Last night, I had the horrible dream that I got stinkin' drunk and I was tyring to figure out how I would come here and tell everyone that I screwed up. Eeeee.....it almost felt real. But nope, still sober. WooHoo Me!

Talked to my dad last night forever on the phone. Interesting that we almost always end up talking about addiction. He's got lots of opinions on it and I like his outlook. AA worked for him but he's fine with whatever works for someone else. "There's lots of ways to stay sober" he said. I sort of forgot, but when he was drinking he has his last rights read to him at least twice. I'm lucky he quit drinking or I wouldn't be here.

I need to get off the clonazopam. I've been taking two every night instead of the Lunesta. I always feel groggy from it in the morning. Depending on how I feel tonight, like if I think I can sleep, I won't take anything.

Happy Monday Kids!
~doll

[GettingFree]

Hey Doll,

Sounds like you had a grounded weekend and made really healthy decisions for yourself, not exposing yourself to situations that would trigger you. And positively assessing the night-time sleep meds. Take some perspective -- look at where things were just a short time ago. You're doing wonderfully

gf

[PaperDolls]

Thanks gf. I have been feeling much better lately.

I've got some tiredness issues......but maybe if I get the sleeping/anxiety pills under control that will go away.

Thanks for the encouragement -- makes be feel good.

Hope you are doing well.

~doll

[Justme57]

Hi Doll , great to catch up with you

isn't it awesome the way you can talk to your dad about recovery ? I think that rocks!

So glad you had a good weekend, I worked

I dreamed last nite that I had a bust ......was aweful, I was helping some people set up for a party, and it was very hot, and there were jugs of cold drinks on the tables, and I guzzled one, to be told by an AA friend , ( have no idea what they were doing there LOL) that it was booze. I could taste it when I woke up, and it was soooo real! Even felt the shame for a moment. I haven't had a " drinking dream " for ages !

HUGX
Lee

[PaperDolls]

Yeah, that was my first drinking dream. I felt shame when I woke up for sure. I remember that I passed up the tequila shots but slammed as many beers as I can.

And, yes, it's nice to talk to my dad about stuff like that. The thing is, I've not told him I quit drinking. He never really knew about the problem because it was mostly when I wasn't living with him. Years ago (I think almost 10 now) he got a call from my ex telling him that I had a problem. He never said a thing to me about it. He might suspect but hasn't asked me about it. I'm sure he'd be understanding but I still have an issue with saying "I'm an alcoholic". Sometimes I'm fine with saying it but other times I like to just say I have a problem with it, me and alcohol don't mix, I always get too drunk. All of which are true......I figure it doesn't really matter as long as I stay sober.

Glad you're doing well Lee. Nice to hear from you.

I ended up taking my pills last night. I was up until almost 1am. Bad, bad doll.

~doll

[PaperDolls]

Well, I'm still taking my clonazopam. I'm just so tired all the time. I'm sure the pills aren't helping. I'm getting those shocking things again even when I do take my Effexor. I'm starting to wonder what it's about.

I've got a sinus infection. That's fun.

But, really I've been happy lately. Been busy at work with stuff I enjoy working on. Creative type stuff -- I'm just starting to realize that I do have a little creativity. I never thought I did.

Cheers,
doll

[Justme57]

Hi there Doll, good morning to you !

I discovered a whole new side to myself in sobriety too, it's as if i am a " new me" which i spose I am.

I am sorry you are still having problems with the sleep, I did too, took me several months to get proper sleep

Take care

HUGX
Lee

[PaperDolls]

Well, I've got strep throat. I feel like a Mac Truck hit me. I took yesterday off although I couldn't get much rest. I'm here at work today because I've got deadlines to meet. The Doc gave me Hydrocodone and Augmenten. The Hydro only subsides the pain for about three hours and it sort of makes me restless. Hopefully the antibiotics will kick in soon.

I've had tons and tons of sinus infections, but never strep. I can't believe how crappy it makes me feel. And my throat.....it's horrible. I think I only got about 3 or 4 hours of sleep last night.

The weather here is supposed to be super this weekend and I'll probably end up in the house the whole time.

Hi Lee - how are ya? I've had problems with sleep since I can remember. The Doc suggested a sleep study (which I really should do) but even with good medical coverage I've still got about $900 out-of-pocket. I'm so broke right now. That's been my main stresser lately. It really eats away at me. I wonder why I can't be better at saving/spending. I need a lesson.........er, something.

Have a happy weekend y'all.
~doll