Triggers

[Juls]

I'm having a hard time dealing with my brother. I had talked about this in a previous post, but for those who don't know, my brother came to stay with me last Jan. 2002. He wanted to re-locate out to California. My brother also has had problems with addicitons. Long story short, he ended up using while he was here. In November he fessed up and went into a tx ctr, supposed to stay for six months. Left two weeks later, stayed at our place for a week, and then got his own digs.

When he comes over, it triggers me. I wonder if he's using, if he has any, and think about having him get some. He came over yesterday to work on his car, and I told him how I was feeling. He said he understood and that it would probably be best if he didn't come over very much for awhile.

Well, the next thing I know, I come in the house, and he's in my room looking through my things for pills. He knows that I have valium. It is prescribed, and I don't use if very often, but sometimes I get bad anxiety or panic attacks. So he was looking through my bag for drugs or the valium.

When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was having bad anxiety and could he have a valium. I know it was a stupid thing to do, but I gave him one. I know he does suffer from bad anxiety and panic, our mom did too, and I feel like I should help him. But this is not good.

All my life I wanted to be closer to my brother, and since he came out here we have gotten closer, but now it seems I need to give up that relationship because of the using thing. I'm really struggling, and feeling triggered when he is around only makes it worse.

Juls

[Stephanie]

Hi Juls,

Sorry You're going through this. I don't think you have to give up the relationship with your brother. I would just detach and put some boundaries in place. It may be easier for you if you met your brother in a public place or if you brought someone along with you. It just may be that you can't allow him to come over your house for a while.

If it were me, the scary thing would be to ask myself why I am having triggers? Am I going to meetings, talking to sober people, reading literature, praying? I did read your last post and I know you're going through a hard time right now. Believe me I know the feeling of sitting through pain. Addicts hate it but this too shall pass and you'll be OK. We're here.

[DolphinBlue]

Hi Juls,

I was in a situation very recently where I experienced really bad triggers around an old, dear friend of mine. I know it's not the same as I am new to recovery. But I really felt your words and wanted to reply.

Anyway, I hadn't seen this person since becoming sober and hoped it would be better than ever. We have kept in contact over the phone. Well, it was awful and I had to just come out and say it. He understood and said he felt the same way (he is addicted to marijuana but clean last few weeks) which was a relief actually. We talked about it. Turns out that as I was thinking "better get a glass of wine" he was thinking "where's the bong?" apparently just being around him (for me) and being in an old hang-out (for him) did it to us. We decided that next time we would try meeting in neutral territory.

I guess that shows that these triggers are just a part of giving up the old life because we both felt it. I always felt it was just me being over-reactive and in a way maybe it is, but I think that for now it's there to protect me.

I hope that your brother finds some inspiration in your example.

Dolphin

[myles1]

Juls,

It's important to put your sobriety first evewn if it is your family.

First of all he shouldn't have been going through your purse he should have asked you directly.

If you feel he is a source of triggers for you then slow down your relationship a bit and try and see him in neutral places.

Families aren't always the best source of support.

Ngaire

[Juls]

Thank you Searching, Dolphin and Ngaire for your feedback.

For some reason it is hard for me to set boundaries with people. Especially people I care about.

Last night my brother came over unannounced, and it was an inconvenient time. My husband was just getting started on a project with our daughter, and my brother wanted his help working on his car. They started talking cars, and our daughter was overlooked. I felt really irritated with my brother and my husband.

I took my brother outside and told him I would like him to call first before he came over. Also that it upset me to find him going through my things. It wasn't the first time.

He apologized and agreed to call first.

The bottom line for me, is that after a year of trying to help him get on his feet, I am really tired of helping him. I have enough of my own things to deal with.

Juls

[myles1]

He needs to get on his feet by himself. Even though he's family they can drag us right back to where we came from.

Ngaire

[DolphinBlue]

...I really wanted my mother to realise that she didn't have to drink anymore. All this led to was my own frustration and eventually I got irritated just by looking at her. Everything she did was annoying to me. Then I thought about it from her angle (which was hard):

Her own frustration must have been enormous. I used to steal stuff from my family. Even though I knew I would get caught and expected the usual confrontations, I hardly noticed the incredible guilt, shame and remorse I felt when I saw the despair in their faces. I never expected to feel this way. If I did I notice I reacted out of fear of these unknown emotions. I even acted coldly "I'll pay you back" and sometimes defensively. Then I did it again. Inside I was crushed. But it was all I knew. Those rare times that I did recognise that I was hurting myself and them, I didn't know how to stop it...I just numbed the pain with escape. Selfish I know.

It took many of my own hurtful experiences to realise that going around crushing myself was killing me, but no-one could tell me this. I had to find out on my own. I'm not saying your brother is like this, but if he is then maybe this ramble can help you understand a little more. Even though understand is maybe the last thing you feel like doing.

Anyway, I realised that the best thing I can do is fix myself and let her find her own truth. And that meant walking away sometimes. It also meant sometimes telling her when she was making me uncomfortable so she knew when to back off. Although completely natural to want to help my family, trying to change them didn't work at all.

I am carrying on here! I hope that you can find a way to set your boundaries. Even though it hurts sometimes. Personally, boundaries strengthen my self-acceptance and desire to stay sober and the love and respect from others is a big bonus.

All the best

[tigergirl]

Recently, my sister was staying with me as she had to leave an abusive situation( verbal abuse from her husband) and she moved out.( We have a history of no boundaries-no respect in our own family so there was a repetition factor here obviously.) However, what I didn't expect was the fact that living with her I discovered that her behaviour-provocation, when I put some basic boundaries( no men in the house-go to the guy's house-I also have a daughter living with me etc..I don' wanna know, in other words)-in the end caused me to ask her to leave. She had sneaked in a guy into the house at night several times. It caused a terrible scene.

This would be a definate trigger on a binge for days. I still wonder what we have to do to get our message across; I seem to stop seeing a lot of people these days. She accused me of being paranoid .

I do understand exactly what you've been through as it has to deal with a family member and trust and betrayal come into factor. It's also tiring and sad.

The bottom line for me was my sobriety and that I have a right to be respected. Empathy up to a point but then self protection is what was needed in the end. I asked her why and she said" I just wanted to".

Take care,

Tiger