Rushing into a new relationship

[donna417]

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years in 01-2006. 3 years into the relationship I found out he was smoking crack. I still remained with him 3 years after that but it ended...thank god it ended with no one getting hurt. I am so glad to be out of this relationship but I am still hurting. I miss him and wish he could get the help he so desperately needs.I have put that situation in god hands. However, I have a new friend who's trying to rush into a relationship with me. I like him but I am simply not ready. I want this void in my life to be filled but I am not feeling him right now. But then I think if I let this potential relationship go by...i will never find love again....somebody please talk to me. I have been making some terrible decisions when it comes down to choosing a mate....i feel so lost....and lonely

[51anna]

Hi Donna,

I agree that it would be rushing into something at this time. After spending 6 yrs in a relationship with someone else, you probably need some time to spend with yourself. You say you want to fill the void in your life, but not with him right now. I think you probably need to look inward and realize that you can fill the void in your life yourself. When you reconnect with yourself, the right person will come along.

[GettingFree]

Hi Donna,

Welcome to SR. Anna's words are incredibly wise.

I, too, looked to fill the void for a long time with other people, other things. I, too, found myself in unhealthy or destructive relationships that I stayed in far too long. Not until I spent time seriously looking inward and on my own recovery did I begin to cultivate the resources to rely on myself and in turn, have the capacity to develop a far healthier and loving relationship that I have now.

Do not sell yourself short by believing that you will 'never find love again'. As you become stronger yourself, so will the people you attract, and in kind, the relationships you develop.

In the meantime, can you let yourself grieve the end of the relationship, and accept that the void is there now, that the hurt is there now, but will not always be. Any loss can be painful, even a relationship that is better over because we're grieving the loss of a dream, the loss of the hope of being loved. But know it is temporary. Call on supportive friends and family that are safe to be with and feel. Discover what soothes you: walks, baths, movies, books, exercise, music.

And keep posting.

best
gf

[Kahlia]

Donna-Losing a long term relationship is like a death-you need to grieve. You are still doing that. If you rush into another relationship, it is to not be lonely. That is not good. You sound like a very intelligent woman, I would be friends with this man for the time being and tell him that. You can always become more later if you choose to. Moving too fast always hurts someone-usually YOU. I think it has a lot to do with missing the "relationship" things, so to speak, being with someone all the time etc...you know what I mean.....You will be fine. I would also find other things to occupy my time, too. Many blessings.......PEACE.....Kahlia

[indigo]

Anna had some very wise words for you as did the others.......take some "you" time pamper yourself.

indigo

[ODAT]

Love will come when the time is right. When its a choice made from both the mind and the heart and not from a place of fear.

Fear of being alone forever and ever is just a fear. It is not real. False emotions appearing real. You feel lonely and sad now and are afraid that this will be forever. It will only be forever if you make choices based from that fear because the choices are not choices made on sound mind but from that fear. Make sense?

My mother is 67 years old this year and is to be married again to a man she met in the program last year. She is very happy because she found love again. After 35 years with my father, then another 10 or so on her own she has finally found someone who treats her well.

If she can wait that long and be that old and STILL find love, I'm sure that a few years or months or however long it takes you to get to a place where you love yourself and are happy all by yourself will find you someone who also sees what a wonderful person you are.

Please, don't make choices based on fear. Relationships can screw up your emotions so badly and ending the one needs time to be grieved and moved on from. If this guy is rushing you its likely because he fears that if you were healthier you wouldn't be interested in him--likely because if you were healthier you wouldn't be interested in him. :P Give yourself time to learn how to fly before you find someone to fly with.