Numb

[DolphinBlue]

Hi everyone,

I've been having a strange time lately and I don't know if this is normal or not. I have spoken to a couple of women who almost identified, but didn't really seem to grasp what I was getting at. Maybe because I'm finding it so hard to express myself.

Not sure how/when this started, but I hardly know myself at the moment. Its been going on for a few days now. If asked how I am doing, I can't answer because the words just aren't there. When I do try to purge or explain what I'm feeling, I come up with feasible ideas (even to myself, at the time) but sooner or later I know that I haven't gotten to the point at all. I don't have a problem with digging around and finding out the truth, as some of you know. But now I'm scared because there's nothing inside me. I have just started to panic a little over this. I often think I must be one of those 'unfortunates' who are 'constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves' and that it's obvious to everyone but me (paranoid). In which case I am screwed. And I doubt I would be told if this were the case.

Sometimes, it's like I am watching myself as I am talking and I just can't believe the crap coming out of my mouth. It's like I'm two different people at once.

So, I find I can't handle talking to people very much. I can't keep a conversation flowing because I am changing my mind and mood so rapidly. I still can't find that truth. I hope I'm making sense. This is the closest I have gotten to explaining how I feel in a while. I want to do the next right thing, but I don't know what that is. At worst, I wonder if doing the dishes before or after I have breakfast will lead me to relapse! Crazy stuff. Every decision is a major event that rarely comes to an end...just goes around my head until someone else makes up my mind or I get bored with it.

I do have hope! I am looking into moving into a halfway house next week. This place focuses on personal development especially for women. This might give me a chance to explore myself a little more without the distraction of my alcoholic mother (a mean drunk...critical, spiteful, angry) its worse now that she's cut down because she's so cranky "at life". No, I don't bother suggesting its because of alcohol - ever. I think this frustrates me even though I try hard to detach.

Some people tell me the best way to get out of my head is to help others and I would love to do service work one day, but how can I help anyone without knowing what I'm doing myself? My selfishness is at an all-time high and I feel so guilty. It seems that attempts I make at friendships (old and new) are a failure, as I am so detached from myself, and this makes it worse. I get quite lonely and feel misunderstood.

I am not sure what I hope to get out of posting this. Maybe a little more awareness of my situation. Maybe someone will recognise what I'm trying to say or see something in my attitude that I don't.

Thanks

Dolphin

[Stephanie]

Sometimes I just love alcoholism.! It can be the funniest disease because no matter who you are, black or white, young or old, male or female it's so consistant. That's why the big book will outlive the bible (I wonder if it's ok to say that). Actually everything you're talking about is in there. You should give it a read if you have not picked it up lately. I know it's hard to read when you're first sober but maybe just a couple pages. Just ask your sponsor where the stuff on the big empty hole inside and terminal uniquness are.

First of all you are one of the most constitutionally capable of being honest with myself people I have ever come across.

"I'm scared because there's nothing inside me"

That, in a nutshell, is why most people use n the first place. It's also why people relapse, and it is why people are lost. You did answer your own question however and that is just do the next right thing. The next right thing is easy...don't pick up, and go to meetings. You don't have to figure it all out today and no one expects you too. I think I've said this to you before but people expect you to act crazy and say crazy things. For god sakes you're newly sober. If you wern't a little crazy people would think you relapsed.

Mostly when you start working the steps, you'll begin to feel filled up with love, peace, sernety, frienship and contentment. BUT you have to wade through the cr.. first. It's a process

In the beginning you'll start to feel filled up with friendhip and hope and it will grow from there. Ine the end you'll love yourself and you'll know that god loves you too, from saving you from this disease and you'll forget about the emptiness.........until of course you realize the next thing your powerless over and then you'll have to start all over again (welcome to my world...my friends are starting debters anonymous. I said give me a break I just joined Alanon, I can't be in everything...even though I probably should be)

Anyway hang in there, you're doing great. And keep posting...this was great! You have a way of describing your feelings of being newly sober that is so good for me to hear and think about.

Oh and terminal uniquness, it's a term we throw around the program. It means that EVERYONE feels exactly the same but EVERYONE thinks they are the only ones who feel that way.

[JT]

Just a thought Dolphin and I am by no means an expert. It sound like you are in transition. You are trying so hard to separate from the old you and the new you has not arrived.

This may be a time you need to rest. And the halfway house could be just what you need. A soft place to fall while you sort through the parts of you that you are wanting to change. You also need to accept...accept your situation and yourself. You need to do that before you can even begin to think about taking any action.

Recovery is a process of revelations. And learning to trust that you will learn what you need to learn when you need to learn it is a big part of it. No matter how hard we might try to "know" who we are it won't happen until the time is right.

"God has his plan. The information is unavailable to the mortal man" Paul Simon

Hugs,
JT

[Lauren1961]

Dolphin,
Easy Does It. You are where you are suppose to be. As my sponsor would say You're Thinking To Much Going in this halfway house will give your brain a rest And you can help others, get to the meeting early and shake hands. Thats whats it's all about "Giving it away to keep it" Take Care and Keep posting
LAUREN:shades2:

[DolphinBlue]

Thank you all. I was so happy to see this thread lastnight, but didn't reply at the time. It was such a relief to know that this is a process I'm going through, that there is some sort of pattern. Makes sharing easier when I know that the chances of someone understanding me are high.

Well, I decided that I was going to this halfway house out of fear, so I think I'll stay here for a while. It's good to know the option's there. I was edgy and vulnerable when invited to stay and really things don't seem that bad here now. Maybe I am making the wrong decision in not going yet, but it's the one I'm sticking to for now.

I'm having an even more scary time now...I'm not as empty anymore but seem filled with the traits I despise most in myself (?). The 'old me' is gripping harder than ever now that I want out, I think that's the very nature of insecurity. I need more faith than I have right now. I'm praying and trying to find some courage. Basically, I'm hanging in there. I wish I wasn't treating myself and everyone around me so badly in the process. It would be a shame to decide I don't like myself and lose my new friends, but it's sure looking that way. I wish I could tell them how I feel. I didn't even know how I felt before I typed this! Now that I've recognised the problem, maybe I can deal with it a little better.

Thanks for listening.

Dolphin

[DolphinBlue]

I forgot to mention that I'm glad that this site is back in action, I got a little carried away with myself! I think I am the first person to whinge since the return of SR!

[myles1]

Dolphinblue,

Don't worry just concentrate on not drinking and going to meetings. What you are going through is very normal.

Ngaire

[DolphinBlue]

Hi Myles,

good point...that I can handle.


I'm feeling ok now, sometimes I don't know who to talk to or what to say so I purge here. I always get great advice and understanding too. I'm glad you people are around!

[myah]

The way I see it....if your scared
thats something....being scared is a sure sign
that you do indeed " feel " so that kind of
rules out the possibility of you being anywhere near....numb....or empty....ummm
congratulations! heh sheesh...thank god I can still laugh

[zoomer]

Hey D-blue, your not crazy and it's natural to feel numb at times or as I put it turn off and tune out. It's OK I promis, I'm just getting my tears back and the feeling of actually being pset on my own without all the medication they gave me is scarry! My nurse shrink thought that everyone was over medicating me too! ha, I'm glad I'm not the only one to think so. I'm going to join a grief group as soon as I get up enough nerve to call. I'm one sad pup with everything that is going on in my life. I'm glad you 2nd thought the half way house. You hve to be real sure because it will fllow you for the rest o your life. And I for one (no one get mad please) was told how I could rest and relax and let others help e. Well, hell Iwas never more afraid and more hated in my intier life! TIf you live in closd inviroment with other women the ones who have been prositiutes,theaves and alcoholic to the point of seesures it's a very freaky thing for sure. I had one roomatewho actually wante to kill me, onther who stole my suff, another who listioned at the doo of my thripy sessions and spread outradeges lies. One tht was um a lisbian who fell in love with me ad I had to ge dressed in the closet for fear of her jumping my bones. It was horrible! I heard screaming in the night and going down stairs only to have another lisbian wating to "comfort me". Even the couslers (women ones) hated me because my clothes were too perfect. I had to do comunity service like go down to the free food supply place and get our food,work in the Salvation Army (which was fine because I got to have more free clothes). I did however like th dances they put on atthe half way house,but that was about it. I felt I had nothing in common. I wanted to be friends and triedreal hard,but no one liked me except the men in the other half way house. Ugh, I had old men trying to trick me,well I wont go on,but Iwas honest and the other woman actually ent out to drink,do drugs... When I got my first apartment, I invited a girl from the hlf way house to share it withme. Well, she used my towles and gave me crabs, I gt her a place to work only to ind out that they all did drugs over here and she was right in he middle of it trying to get me fired. I came home one day to find a mound of coke on the table and her and some guy striped of clothes. I guess tey were smoking it. Well, I told my sponcer, she told me to call the police. I did, an I got a contract put out on me because the guy was a drug dealer. How fun is that! Becarful! Stick with women and men who actually really are real and not trying to get out of something by being in the program. It's bad I know and this is my exspericance. I went because I was told it will help heal me, well it healed me not ever to mess around with drugs and to not trust my judgement much. Wel, that's not true, I wanted a friend and a roomate and it was a disaster! I guess you have to know both sides ofthe coin before you jump. Check out the half way house before you go. Don't do it blind!

[DolphinBlue]

Hi zoomer,

you never cease to amaze me with your wealth of experiences! I had too many yellow flags as far as the halfway house goes and I just couldn't ignore them anymore. It all sounded perfect (which wasn't a good sign) and because there were no real red flags as such it was a tough decision. But I'm confident now that it's not right for me - at this time anyway.

I have had some freaky experiences with others in detox (especially women) and although nothing too obvious, lots of subtle manipulation which was all too confusing and hurtful in the end. I am ok with confrontations but get lost in the mind games. But maybe I was attracting them so now I have to be careful not to start them or play along myself as it always ends in an attack of the crazies. I think that some of them taught me a lesson!

I don't feel so crazy when I vent here, thank god. I'm glad you're feeling stuff now because I remember you saying that you prefer it that way. But I do hope you find the courage to go help yourself right now, it's so important to get the timing right sometimes.

Good luck

[Pickle]

Hi, Darlin',

Guess what? You are doing great!! Confused? You have reached a new plateau. The old Dolphin Blue is beginning to fade away and you are about to blossom into a brand new life.

I have shared this before; I was at my son's for dinner and who should walk in the door "The X." He sat down next to me and I thought who is this man? He was a complete stranger to me. I really thought I was losing it. It was as if we had never met. I shared this at a meeting and an oldtimer pulled me to one side and told me that the old Beverly was dying. In my relationship with my ex-husband I was drunk and so was he. Now sober, that relationship was as if it never exsisted. I went through some really bizarre thinking. This is the nature of the beast THINKING.

You will find peace being with people who understand you. I like the idea of a half-way house. You have already helped others by just sharing and taking your first step.

Yesterday was okay, today is okay, so tomorrow will be okay. Thank you for keeping me sober one more day. Don't be afraid of letting go of the old you.

Love, Pickle

[Paulie]

Hey DB -

I agree with dear Pickle, you are experienceing new things, because you are becoming a different person.

And my 4 cents tells me that it may be fear keeping you from the halfway house. And I speak from experience. When I checked myself in the recovery program that I went to I moved into a 3 bedroom house (really we had two rooms cause the house [parent had her own) so on any given day there was between 4 and 6 of us sharing 2 rooms. Talk about tension, oh yeah. But it was the best thing I ever did. Not only was I always surrounded by recovery, but it helped to teach me how to live wiht others. How to take care of my side of the street and not get caught up in other maniupulations and stuff like that. i really think you should consider it, fear is understandable, but a wise person here said to me once -
'courage is fear that has said it's prayers'. Just something to think about.

(((DB)))

[zoomer]

Hey DB,see you have both or 3 sides of the coin. I fear sometimes when I share what I feel or think here. Only to lose my friends that I have made here. I have no problem with these wonderful women here. I think they are so beautiful! To be honest, I like part of the old me,but I did not like the stupid part who had no idea about manipulations of others. I lived in hell most part of my life, but I looked for the beautiful or made it myself. I have found though that human nature is human nature no matter where you live. I too got spooked by the "street people" because I just did not know how to play the games. So......... Now I just do not get involved or have acess to them. Um I believe that yo can go up, up up with out the process of other people saying you have to go down down down. I do not know what it is like where you live, but if I were you I would take something I like doing and go find others who do the same. Now I'm forsure going to take my own advice and join a grief group because I'm very sad and maybe after that I will join a reading group because I love to read. Who knows what will stim from there. Yes, you are in trazition,but you are also very young and your in a normal stage of human developement.

[DolphinBlue]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I'm still thinking about all of this. I have been considering going to this halfway house again as I'm lacking structure and am bored. I was in fear of going! I was scared that I was going to be brainwashed but that just means I don't have any faith in myself yet. It would be good to learn to socialise (with boundaries) again too because at the moment I just don't like it and that must be because I am fearful.

Well, a decision is yet to come...maybe it would be easier to just friggin go there lol

I AM afraid of letting go for sure...it's not like I haven't been let down before, I have so many times...but this is different, there's more to lose this time.

Have to have a little more faith!

[DolphinBlue]

Ok I'm going to reply to myself here...

I am scared of 'losing myself' but maybe that is 'my old self' in which case, I have nothing to lose.

But that's too logical...ok now I will just analyse too much. Welcome to my crazy mind!

[zoomer]

Ha,D-blue you are just so much like me! I reply back to myself too in my e-mails or use to. D-blue you are lonely! I know I am! I'm going to call tomorrow to get invovled in the greif group. I need to reach out to people who are going through the same thing. I'm frightened of loseing my mom and at the sametime hoping she will go soon because all this greif is eating me alive. Nowthe way I see it is that you are afraid to leave the nest,but at the same time wanting to go,but where you dont know. How old are you again? Also,I'd try other types of counsleing other than addiction or with I might add. If your young enough you might want to try a live in position as a nanny. It will get you away from home, a place to live,money to save... A lot of young girls contact an agency. You sound like awonderful person to be a nanny. Just a thought. And remember yournot stuck any place until you own your own home

[Paulie]

DB -

what do you mean losing yourself?

My opinion is that it is all fear my friend, fear is ruling you right now. I know cause I have been there myself.

Have faith as you said yourself. Do what others have done before you. I was told when I first got into recovery that I should hang with people who have what I want, not meaning material things. For me this means, hang with people who have inner peace and a realtionship with an HP and people that do't live in caos, etcetcetc. you get the point.
]
we are alot alike, I love to over analyze things and then blame everything on myself.

take it slow and stop beating yourself up for being scared of the changes that you are going through!

[DolphinBlue]

Thank you both,

I guess I am scared of losing my identity or being molded into something I'm not. Sounds like a good idea to be molded into something more productive, but I feel vulnerable and don't really know what that is - so I could be easily lead down the wrong path for me without even knowing it. One that just eventually frustrates me because I suddenly realise I've taken the wrong path and it's too late because I'm staring at the bottom of another bottle wondering where it all went wrong.

I don't trust that I will make it through a relapse.

I definitely lack real friendship. I know that this is because I don't trust easily. But I have hope. Yesterday I was invited to the house of an AA who wants me to help her organise a fellowship get-together for young people in our area as there aren't any. I didn't want to go, but we had so much fun designing the flyer and coming up with ideas and I actually made a great friend. I was getting all paranoid because we share the same sponsor, you know "Oh they're just setting me up" but I've not felt so comfortable around someone for a long time.

Besides of all this, my fear has subsided. I had an experience earlier yesterday that's difficult to describe, but I can say that I have more faith in myself now. I ended up looking in the mirror and telling myself that I loved all of me, even my faults. I believed then that my faults are important to me and that without them I could never have known my pain and therefore my joy. I would not be much help without it either.

So, it's a start and things are looking up. The halfway house is still an option I might take, but I really do feel ok a lot of time. I sound awful because I vent here when I'm too nervous to talk to my sponsor or if it's too late. I know I have to overcome that. I don't see her often enough either but now I'm going to yoga classes with her every week from next week which I'm looking forward to.

Stop beating myself up...yep I think I am at least starting to see how to stop it, Pauline

Amy

[myles1]

Hi Dolphinblue,

I f you are afraid of losing yourself then focus on doing stuff that feels comfortable to YOU and if it doesn't feel comfortable then don't do it.
Either after awhile it will feel comfortable and you'll be able to proceed or it just won't and you'll know it's not the right thing for you.

Some times ,most of the time new behaviours are very uncomfortable. They are scary.

Ngaire