I need Help !!! - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Lizzy · 01-25-2003, 11:21 AM

Hi everyone .. I have been in here a few times in the last month, mostly just reading the posts, have answered a few but am still having a lot of trouble coping..... You ALL have been incredible in your words of wisdom and helping and when i read them I seem to be fine .. for a while.. and then i say "to hell with it" and i drink. I don't know what is wrong with me.

I went into a treatment centre back in October .. was the hardest thing i've ever done in my life, but when i came out i felt like a brand new woman - I WAS A BRAND NEW WOMAN. I didn't want to drink .. i thought i was getting my life in order .. hmm maybe i was just fooling myself though. I was sober for 1 1/2 months .. i felt wonderful .. then all hell broke loose for me.

2 days after Christmas my husband decided to leave) .. we've been having problems since September 2002 --- i cannot blame him .. i'm an alcoholic, one of the worst illnesses any spouse to has to live with, i know .. I am not beating myself up about it .. i know that does nothing .. As of today, January 25/2003, he is back home again and we are trying to work things out. He is going to Alanon and working his program as i am working mine in AA. Things are good but strained a b it as you can imagine ..

I came out of rehab as i said feeling wonderful... on my big pink cloud .. nothing could touch me .. yeahhh right ... as i said he left me 2 days after Xmas - i was devastated - i thought things were good with us .. dayammm repeating myself here aren't .. YES i've been drinking cause i'm feeling desperate, lonely, angry, frustrated, don't know where i'm going anymore ... I need help big time...

I have a sponsor, yes.... she is a wonderful person and i love her dearly .. but to be totally honest, i am not sure if she is the right one for me and i don't know how to handle this right now. I feel intimidated by her .. hmmm maybe that's a good thing, i don't know. She is very annoyed with me right now cause i havven't called her in a few days .. i know that ... and that bothers me so therefore i don't call...... big circle eh.?

I am a very proud woman - i have never ever in my life asked for help ... i have always been very very independent so it's difficult for me to ask for help at any time with anything ...

I am going to be totally honest in here becuase i know this is a safe place for me .... My husband and I have been swingers for the last 3 years ... when it all started out it was great and then the jealousy issue started .. Yes, you don't have to tell me, i know all about it .. perhaps if we hadn't gottten into the Lifestyle things may have been different .. but they wouldn't have been different regarding my drinking, i know that. It started LONG before that ..

Wow i am really rambling here aren't i ... i just need to vent and i hope you all will understand. I NEED HELP so desperately right now and i don't know what to do.

I can't stop drinking ... it's that simple. I go to meetings every single day .. Mon to Sunday .. sometimes 2 a day .. and the first thing i think about is where am i going to get a drink .. what the hell is wrong with me ?????? I KNOW what i need to do .. I KNOW what i am doing is killing me and yet i keep doing it .. God i hate this disease so f-ing much ... sorry for language i am just so frustrated and angry with myself ... i REALLY thought i had this under control ...... God i hate me right now..... i really do ..

Well i guessi've taken up enough of everyone's time .. i hope i can do this .. i don't want to end up 6' under .. i really don't ...

If anyone can give me some advice as to how to stop this .. how to make myself better.. i am crying inside and out ....

Thank you all for your posts, they really do help .. most of the time....

Lizzy (In Need)

zoomer · 01-25-2003, 03:30 PM

Swingers! LOL!!!!!!!!! Ha, and you think everything is your fault! Um, I would surley talk to a professonal about things. It looks like your taking the blame for your husband's life too! Just have to ask (mere couriosity) was it fun,the swinging I mean,and no I'm not interested,just courious! Sorry, don't mean to laugh,but what a funny post!
Zoomer

Peacefulpie · 01-25-2003, 05:03 PM

First I would like to say WELCOME to the forum...
I am so glad that you found us.

WOW! Do you feel better now you got that off your chest?
That was a load to dump! Thank You for shareing it...

Funny thing about should ofs would ofs and could ofs they dont solve the immediate.... My suggestion to you is sit down write a gratitude list then write another list of what is you can and are willing to do today. then call your sponsor communicate your fears to her... see what she says. and if you still feel intimidated by her I feel it may be best for you to find you someone you can relate with. In the mean time know that you are in my heart and meditations.

wazup · 01-25-2003, 06:40 PM

Hi,

read your post, and i really feel for you. i am a newbie only 25 days sober, and i can totally relate to how you feel. everyday you think how you can drink or how you can sneak a drink without anyone knowing. it totally sucks! been a long time boozer and user for that matter, and for the first time in 24 years my head feels straight. my only advise to you is to stay strong! remember how it feels to look at things sober. i have switched to non alcoholic beer and that sort of helps my cravings. i was a big beer drinker no hard booze, but whenever i get wigged out i go to the fridge and get a false beer. it does suck because no buzz comes with it!! haha. everyday i say a prayer and i think about the person i want to be and not the one that i am. i wish you the best of luck...stay strong...i know you can do it!!

wazup

Lauren1961 · 01-28-2003, 02:05 AM

Lizzy,
What kind of treatment were you in outpatient or inpatient? I think inpatient would be good. You have to get out of the drivers seat..which means your trying to control your life, And obviously thats not working. I don't know where you are with a Higher Power, but you need one in your life. You can not do this alone. You said you never asked for help, well thats your problem. I hated to call my sponsor or talking to people but if I didn't I would be dead now. By the grace of God I'm sober 16 years. And I did not do it by myself. Maybe your sponsor isn't the right one, but if you don't call here or talk to her how can she help you? My sponsor told me to call her everyday and if I wanted to drink over anything (no matter how small or dumb we may think it is) to call her. Please remember you can not do this alone, and you don't have to. Take care of you One day at a time.

LAUREN :shades:

01-25-2003, 11:21 AM	#1 (permalink)
Lizzy Paused Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Mississauga, Ontario Posts: 4	I need Help !!! Hi everyone .. I have been in here a few times in the last month, mostly just reading the posts, have answered a few but am still having a lot of trouble coping..... You ALL have been incredible in your words of wisdom and helping and when i read them I seem to be fine .. for a while.. and then i say "to hell with it" and i drink. I don't know what is wrong with me. I went into a treatment centre back in October .. was the hardest thing i've ever done in my life, but when i came out i felt like a brand new woman - I WAS A BRAND NEW WOMAN. I didn't want to drink .. i thought i was getting my life in order .. hmm maybe i was just fooling myself though. I was sober for 1 1/2 months .. i felt wonderful .. then all hell broke loose for me. 2 days after Christmas my husband decided to leave) .. we've been having problems since September 2002 --- i cannot blame him .. i'm an alcoholic, one of the worst illnesses any spouse to has to live with, i know .. I am not beating myself up about it .. i know that does nothing .. As of today, January 25/2003, he is back home again and we are trying to work things out. He is going to Alanon and working his program as i am working mine in AA. Things are good but strained a b it as you can imagine .. I came out of rehab as i said feeling wonderful... on my big pink cloud .. nothing could touch me .. yeahhh right ... as i said he left me 2 days after Xmas - i was devastated - i thought things were good with us .. dayammm repeating myself here aren't .. YES i've been drinking cause i'm feeling desperate, lonely, angry, frustrated, don't know where i'm going anymore ... I need help big time... I have a sponsor, yes.... she is a wonderful person and i love her dearly .. but to be totally honest, i am not sure if she is the right one for me and i don't know how to handle this right now. I feel intimidated by her .. hmmm maybe that's a good thing, i don't know. She is very annoyed with me right now cause i havven't called her in a few days .. i know that ... and that bothers me so therefore i don't call...... big circle eh.? I am a very proud woman - i have never ever in my life asked for help ... i have always been very very independent so it's difficult for me to ask for help at any time with anything ... I am going to be totally honest in here becuase i know this is a safe place for me .... My husband and I have been swingers for the last 3 years ... when it all started out it was great and then the jealousy issue started .. Yes, you don't have to tell me, i know all about it .. perhaps if we hadn't gottten into the Lifestyle things may have been different .. but they wouldn't have been different regarding my drinking, i know that. It started LONG before that .. Wow i am really rambling here aren't i ... i just need to vent and i hope you all will understand. I NEED HELP so desperately right now and i don't know what to do. I can't stop drinking ... it's that simple. I go to meetings every single day .. Mon to Sunday .. sometimes 2 a day .. and the first thing i think about is where am i going to get a drink .. what the hell is wrong with me ?????? I KNOW what i need to do .. I KNOW what i am doing is killing me and yet i keep doing it .. God i hate this disease so f-ing much ... sorry for language i am just so frustrated and angry with myself ... i REALLY thought i had this under control ...... God i hate me right now..... i really do .. Well i guessi've taken up enough of everyone's time .. i hope i can do this .. i don't want to end up 6' under .. i really don't ... If anyone can give me some advice as to how to stop this .. how to make myself better.. i am crying inside and out .... Thank you all for your posts, they really do help .. most of the time.... Lizzy (In Need)

01-25-2003, 05:03 PM	#3 (permalink)
Peacefulpie Member Join Date: May 2002 Location: toto I dont think we're in kansas anymore Posts: 354	First I would like to say WELCOME to the forum... I am so glad that you found us. WOW! Do you feel better now you got that off your chest? That was a load to dump! Thank You for shareing it... Funny thing about should ofs would ofs and could ofs they dont solve the immediate.... My suggestion to you is sit down write a gratitude list then write another list of what is you can and are willing to do today. then call your sponsor communicate your fears to her... see what she says. and if you still feel intimidated by her I feel it may be best for you to find you someone you can relate with. In the mean time know that you are in my heart and meditations. __________________ ~~"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails"~~

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01-25-2003, 03:30 PM	#2 (permalink)
zoomer Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: It's raining again! Posts: 2,356	Swingers! LOL!!!!!!!!! Ha, and you think everything is your fault! Um, I would surley talk to a professonal about things. It looks like your taking the blame for your husband's life too! Just have to ask (mere couriosity) was it fun,the swinging I mean,and no I'm not interested,just courious! Sorry, don't mean to laugh,but what a funny post! Zoomer

01-25-2003, 06:40 PM	#4 (permalink)
wazup Paused Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Ballwin, MO Posts: 6	Hi, read your post, and i really feel for you. i am a newbie only 25 days sober, and i can totally relate to how you feel. everyday you think how you can drink or how you can sneak a drink without anyone knowing. it totally sucks! been a long time boozer and user for that matter, and for the first time in 24 years my head feels straight. my only advise to you is to stay strong! remember how it feels to look at things sober. i have switched to non alcoholic beer and that sort of helps my cravings. i was a big beer drinker no hard booze, but whenever i get wigged out i go to the fridge and get a false beer. it does suck because no buzz comes with it!! haha. everyday i say a prayer and i think about the person i want to be and not the one that i am. i wish you the best of luck...stay strong...i know you can do it!! wazup

01-28-2003, 02:05 AM	#5 (permalink)
Lauren1961 Paused Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 10	Lizzy, What kind of treatment were you in outpatient or inpatient? I think inpatient would be good. You have to get out of the drivers seat..which means your trying to control your life, And obviously thats not working. I don't know where you are with a Higher Power, but you need one in your life. You can not do this alone. You said you never asked for help, well thats your problem. I hated to call my sponsor or talking to people but if I didn't I would be dead now. By the grace of God I'm sober 16 years. And I did not do it by myself. Maybe your sponsor isn't the right one, but if you don't call here or talk to her how can she help you? My sponsor told me to call her everyday and if I wanted to drink over anything (no matter how small or dumb we may think it is) to call her. Please remember you can not do this alone, and you don't have to. Take care of you One day at a time. LAUREN :shades:

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