just cant get over my anger

[clancy]

Im so angry ,and I have been for days.I worked really really hard on a portfolio and did some of my best work ever.I know it was good.But because of the op I have had on my arm it wasnt possible to complete the workbook on time.Id done all the shots,its just that you have to do all these diagrams a nd research and oh,oodles of stuff.I wanted to talk to my tutor about mitigation but he just would not come out of the staff room to talk to me.I asked really nicely twice.He wouldnt accept my work as the workbook wasnt completed, although id done loads of it. now that means I cant get a grade for the best work ive evr done.I feel such fury to my tutor for not granting me a moment to speak to him.

I cant get the feeling of anger out of me, I just cant.It just wont go,i cant let go of it.I meditate do yoga then think of it and feel angry again. Also im angry with my self for being me.A stupid defective addict.I know Ill never really get work as a phtographer because although im good,really good, I cant stick to routines or deadlines or just do anything I dont want to do.How did I get Like this? I just want to tear the world apart with my bare hands right now because I just dont fit in too it and dont even want too. Had to get that off my chest .

[51anna]

Oh Clanc, I'm sorry that didn't work out and I know how it feels to not fit in. Is there a chance to talk to the teacher again? And, you're right, most jobs involve deadlines and routines and that's really important. But, somewhere there may be a job where you can have more freedom in the work that you do.

[indigo]

Clancy that's the pits I'm so sorry your tutor wouldn't give you a chance, you know your work is good I hope it will start to work for you sis.

indie

You just vent away, beat up a pillow or something!!

[GettingFree]

Hi Clancy,

From out here, it looks like you have every reason to be absolutely furious. Sounds like you're beating yourself up for feeling what is a very appropriate reponse to a lousy situation. There's nothing wrong with the fact that you're angry. And there's nothing wrong with you for being angry.

The pissy part is that it sucks to feel that amoung of rage. It's awful, uncomfortable and it's the last thing we want to feel. But I say, rage away. Get it out. Meditation and yoga are good, but like indie says, beat up a pillow, go the woods and scream, write it all out some more, take some really dark photos and scratch them up, make a bloody voodoo doll of the tutor, whatever it takes. Get it out. It's not a bad thing to feel this. It just feels really bad right now.

On the practical side: can you take this up higher? Go above the tutor's head. It sounds like you have a very legitimate grievance and this individual is being punitively inflexible by not taking into account real extenuating circumstances.

Also, like indie says, (although it's really hard for me): know inside the value of your work, regardless of what some dogmatic person in a position of power says. Or the grade on a course. It's not fair what happened, but it doesn't change your talent or potential. It's just an abritrary mark on someone else's idea of measurement.

hang in,
gf

[clancy]

wow thank you for your support girls.GF your words were just exactly what I needed to hear, you said it really well. I so want to be a success at something and not stupid druggy clancy People have always kind of taken the **** out of me for having mad ideas and being off the wall and eccentric and loads of other adjectives and ive always taken it on the chin and been good humoured but i feel a few days ago I feel like that attitude came to the end, i had no more left of the stuff i use to deal with having the **** taken out of me.
Anyway I didnt use but nearly as bad - i blew 100 quid on a new hairdo and a pair of the latest skinny jeans that none of those walruses who tease me could wear. and tomorrow i'll just wear my best top and hold my head up and think yeah well,at i dont look like the back end of a buick!! Grr im getting cross agin...Gotto keep that under control. itsSOOO hard to be cool and sober.Whats better Nice clancy on drugs, or grumpy clean clancy??

[tool]

I understand how it feels not to be able to stick to routines, I stink at it too! and the part you wrote about not fitting into the world, I get that too I don't think I'll ever fit, but that's life it's not worth it? or is it?

[historyteach]

Clancy;

First, I'm so sorry you experienced this let down. And I know you know we have all experienced dissappointment and unfairness in life.

The anger is only going to poison you. I was once very angry at a person. And the best advice I received was to pray for that person. Let me tell you, I was appauled! Pray for HIM?
Yes...
It works. It will exorcize those demons.
And more importantly, let you get on with what's really important.
Your life.

Be well, Clancy...

Shalom!

[ODAT]

When things start to go screwy and don't work out as we figure they should, its so easy to get angry and to lash out at -- ourselves. And the corner stones of the program are often dropped.

Who drives your bus? And where is your faith?

God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, courage to change what I can and wisdom to know the difference.

I give myself to You to do with as YOU please...release me from the bondage of self...take away my difficulties that victory of them might help others... (3rd step prayer)...

Remember that our sobriety is based on grace and a willingness to step out of the drivers seat and into the passenger seat. You say you meditate but what are you meditating on?

I have found that when I am most angry with something that just doesn't seem right...that there is something I am not seeing or not trusting with. The problem is with ME and not with them. Remember that the past is the past but how we operated in the past helped us be who we were.

After I left my second husband whom I'd married in sobriety, and I was again in the interval home, I was VERY angry. God had abandoned me I figured. I'd done everything right and here I was again back in "galjail" and starting over yet again. So, I was angry, refused to pray for the person--he didn't NEED my prayers, I did, or so I thought--program didn't work b/c I was still in the interval home--and, well...things sort of went down hill from there on for a while. Took a time before I could look back and see what I was learning and why things had ended the way they had.

In your past, did you berrate yourself when people made fun of you? This is something you can change now. In your past, did you give up? Walk away? Perhaps this is something you can change now? I would encourage you to write. Write all of the feelings down, all of the self incrimminations down, all of the angry wishes down...and then to leave it for a day. Pray for this person. And then look at what you have written as if it were someone elses stuff.

See what you can see from it. See what you can change, what you can't.

One thing I know is that if you were meant to have this success then it would be yours. Plain and simple. So, perhaps the fact that you haven't...although I don't think it necessarily means the work was a waste because even though you might not beable to use the portfolio now, you may in another situation...perhaps it just means that there is a better thing in line for you a little ways down the road. In short, I'd encourage you to trust that your HP is looking out for you and knows what you need more than you do.

Remember we always seem to get what we need...not always what we want.

It sucks when things don't go our way, especially when we have worked hard for something and figure its our due. And, the work you have done...even if this guy doesn't want it or appreciate it or stuff...doesn't mean that someone else down the road won't think its great.

Best wishes.