Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Special-Interest Groups > Women In Recovery
Forgot Password? Join Us!
Register Blogs FAQ Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read Chat Room [3]


Welcome to the Sober Recovery Community

Already registered? Login above ---^
OR
To take advantage of all Posting, Chatting, Gaming, and all the features available at SoberRecovery, join the over 100,000 current members, and become a member of our supportive community today! Ads will no longer appear on the forums, once you register.



Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 03-13-2006, 03:22 PM   #1 (permalink)
~Author of My Life~
 
2stop's Avatar
 

Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,800
Recovery & Divorce rates.....

Anybody find their significant other tried everything to push them away after getting and staying sober and doing really good? I swear to God I cannot take it much longer!! Every day..."well, YOU were an opiate addict for 20 years! MY problems aren't from being an addict..I have real problems"..yada yada yada..............!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh it makes me soooo mad...and hurt...so hurt I don't know what to do. We got along better when I used!!! Insane, it is really insane.
Sorry...haven't been able to vent to anyone for awhile...not to anyone who understands..........he tells me to go ahead and just leave..then says...oh yeah you can't, you don't have any money.......when I go grocery shopping I have knots in my stomach, afraid I will spend too much! he never used to be this way!!!! It was our money...not HIS......he thinks I am flirting with every man I see......if I do not answer the phone, or forget my cellphone I am chastised and asked if I doing something I should feel guilty about...........why would anyone hate someone for getting better!???????

__________________
Many Hugs and Hope too,
Tammie

"Think of all the beauty still left around you and BE HAPPY." ~Anne Frank~

"Things do not change, WE change."
~Henry David Thoreau~

2stop is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-13-2006, 03:36 PM   #2 (permalink)
~Author of My Life~
 
2stop's Avatar
 

Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,800
I haven't worked in so long, and just recently began driving again....I feel so incompetent and stupid!! I may be sober and doing better but I am far from independent. Half the time anymore I feel like I can't breathe from the sheer panic of being alone.........it seems like I always get out of one mess just to land smack in the middle of another one!

I will have to figure it out............but how I do not know...the IRS is demanding their money.......all the bills are getting behind..........Every day I tell myself I will get out and get a job! I WILL do it...then I worry about my daughter and having to get her to her doctors appointments, my doctor is running some more tests on me, my husbands health is bad, but he has no insurance and can't afford anymore..which makes me want to work and save the day....yeah right...I got myself out of an addiction just to get stuck in another lane I think..............I don't know what to do anymore..I am soooo overwhelmed I could just hide in a closet and never come out again!
__________________
Many Hugs and Hope too,
Tammie

"Think of all the beauty still left around you and BE HAPPY." ~Anne Frank~

"Things do not change, WE change."
~Henry David Thoreau~

2stop is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-13-2006, 04:08 PM   #3 (permalink)
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 32,871
Hi Tammie,

First of all, I'd say that your husband is acting like he is afraid of losing you. I think he could be feeling insecure. When you were using, he may have felt like he had more control over you. He is probably feeling threatened because you are clean and sober and driving and much more independent. You have upset the dynamics of the relationship I'd say and he doesn't know how to deal with it. And, it sounds to me like you're talking about emotional abuse, but I'm sure you know that. I upset the dynamics of my relationship with my husband too. I became much more assertive and independent. I thoroughly enjoy my 'alone' time, began working and have gotten involved in activities on my own. I've grown and he hasn't. We're working out the changed dynamics, but it's not easy.

Tammie, you are so far from being incompetent and stupid, I can't tell you. You have come so, so far and conquered huge fears in your life. I think what happens is that when we come out of our addiction we move into real life. And, that's what you're experiencing. There are problems to deal with and decisions to make and it can be overwhelming. Just take it slow, do what you can each day. And, clearly you have to take care of your daughter's health issues right now.

Tammie, hold your head up high and know that you are where you should be and you are doing great.
__________________



Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...
It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Anna is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2006, 06:09 AM   #4 (permalink)
Community Greeter
 
indigo's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Mid-Life Express
Posts: 9,928
__________________
When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté

Last edited by indigo; 03-15-2006 at 06:13 AM. Reason: pc problems
indigo is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2006, 06:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
Community Greeter
 
indigo's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Mid-Life Express
Posts: 9,928
I can't add any more to Anna's answer and Tammie you really are one AWESOME women.

hugs and love Annie
Attached Images
File Type: gif 2grosse055.gif (2.7 KB, 201 views)
__________________
When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté
indigo is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2006, 06:27 AM   #6 (permalink)
On a tear
 
BigSis's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,239
(((Tammie)))

As a codependent, I know that I felt superior whenever I was involved with an alcoholic/addict. I was in charge, yet still the "martyr" and the "victim". Those were roles I knew how to play. When the alcoholic/addict does something so unexpected like GETTING SOBER (gasp!), well I was still sick!! And didn't know it!! And didn't know my role anymore!! And angry over past issues!! And suddenly, it could ALL be about me...

It takes TWO sick people to get into a relationship - which is why we have Alanon and Naranon. But like allll the other 12-step programs, a person does not get into Alanon or Naranon until the pain of not seeking recovery is greater than the perceived pain of actually attending and working a program.

Sobriety has been far more difficult in some ways for me to handle with the addicts/alcholics in my life. Alanon has helped me a lot.

I remember in one of my kids' rehabs, a preist talking to man who was newly sober. The preist urged the man to give the wife some time to adjust... perhaps as many years "adjusting" as the wife gave to the man's drinking. I thought that was a novel idea.

Tammie - it just might not be about you, though your husband may not know that. It might be about the dynamic of power in the relationship... his fear that you might relapse and not knowing how to express that. The bills - which probably stress both of you.

All you can do is what you can do... you aren't superwoman. Sobriety first. Stay in today. And live only this day... tomorrow you can live that one. Do you have a sponsor? Can you confide in her? This might be a good time to use her as a sounding board.

I wish you the best (((hugs))))
__________________
No matter how spoiled the past may be, our future is spotless....

BigSis
BigSis is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2006, 01:59 PM   #7 (permalink)
~Author of My Life~
 
2stop's Avatar
 

Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,800
((((((((((BigSis))))))))))) Thank you for your thoughtful reply.........I think maybe you hit the nail on the head..(and HE did too) when he said..."it's not about YOU!!" We weren't even talking about me...he does this alot...it seems alot of his talk lately is odd...out of place..........I probably am internalizing it..and making it 'my' problem..I tend to be very codependent myself...need to fix everything, try to save everyone. Now that I am pulling away from all my old bahviours I am sure he is quite threatened that I may leave, that HIS erroneous behaviours are more obvious now....I will be more patient with him. I love my husband dearly and I put him through alot of stress. I do feel HUGE guilt some days...that I have made him the way he is...but as you said BigSis..it takes two to get into the really sick relationships..he has to own his..I own mine..God can sort out the rest.

It's good to be back...........I am gaining some much needed clarity..and support. I tend to think I can handle everything. I am fine.........WRONG! lol.....I still feel SOOOOOOOOO vulnerable when I post...but doing it has helped saved this addicts life....soooo...just ignore me if I get tooo whiny...lol...some days are just that ay I guess...........but isn't it great there are good days too now??

I keep all who are still struggling with getting sober...please know..please read about and talk to every success story you can find..there IS hope......I was about to pull the trigger on a gun when I found this site.........I had visualized and planned it out..and was ready to end it all..then I found beginning..it seemed like the end...at first.............but then it dawned on me..THANK GOD it was the end of the craziness, the insanity, the incurable pain..step by little step..I made it..and you can too. So if you are reading this and you are struggling to get sober.....know that life is still hard sober but it is DOABLE!! And some days are so dang good.............It still feels weird some days when I am smiling and feeling content, the bills are still there, the physical pain is still there, the crazy family dynamics are still there..but there is peace during the storm..that is what recovery has done for me.....peace during the storms. And when it does get kinda crazy..it subsides sooooo much faster when sober...good grief when using I held onto stuff for so long.

Sorry I ramble on so........I tear up when I think of all who struggle and hurt soooo deep....... hang on............you can make it through..........even if you think you can't.......you can. So many of us do!
__________________
Many Hugs and Hope too,
Tammie

"Think of all the beauty still left around you and BE HAPPY." ~Anne Frank~

"Things do not change, WE change."
~Henry David Thoreau~

2stop is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-16-2006, 02:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Live's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,201
Blog Entries: 5
Hugs and applause to 2stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

live
__________________
Each small candle lights a corner of the dark....Roger Waters

Live is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-16-2006, 03:11 PM   #9 (permalink)
~Author of My Life~
 
2stop's Avatar
 

Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,800
awwwww.......(((live)))

*Hugs to ya!*
__________________
Many Hugs and Hope too,
Tammie

"Think of all the beauty still left around you and BE HAPPY." ~Anne Frank~

"Things do not change, WE change."
~Henry David Thoreau~

2stop is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-17-2006, 10:10 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
GwenMarie30's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
Wink I Can Relate

I just wanted to tell you that I can DEFINITLY relate. I am 4 months clean. One minute everything is going so good, I have to stop and do a double take to make sure that its me all this love and kindness is for. Sometimes this will last for days and then all it takes is for me to just simply to wake up breathing. On those days Paul is nasty, intentionally mean almost to the point of being hateful, and verbally and mentally abusive. On those bad days, those were the kind of days I would go get high. Just anything to kill that pain or at the very least hide from it instead of dealing with it.The more I got high the more I couldnt deal with his anger or anything else that involved living. I was dead on the inside. I do want to clarify the drug use didnt start because of my significant other. It started because of so many on going years of abuse from my father. That abuse was always verbal and emotional too. Any way Paul and I have a long history of love/hate. Things have been very difficult for the both of us. Where I hid and stuff things, he lashes out verbally. I can no longer be in the home with him and my children because of my drug use and even though Ive been clean for 4 months and have been to outpatient and then inpatient rehab division of family services still wont let me in the home. I still am dealing with all the wreckage of my drug use and sometimes its hard to see that I will ever get thru it all. Paul and my kids are my life. I tore that apart with my drug use. I count my lucky stars he is still trying to work this out with me. He is angry but I keep in mind that he does love me or he wouldnt have stuck with me after everything Ive put him and kids thru. I try to understand his anger and help every way I can, but sometimes it more than I can deal with or sometimes it doesnt have anything to do with me. He is angry person who holds grudges and never forgives. I think the only thing that will really help us is counseling as a family and my own therapy and my HP. So Tammy, when you first posted yesterday, it was like I was reading about myself. Maybe we can help each other. Im sending HUGS and Prayers your way.

Gwen
GwenMarie30 is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-17-2006, 05:32 PM   #11 (permalink)
~Author of My Life~
 
2stop's Avatar
 

Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,800
(((((((Gwen))))))) I am so grateful for your reply...thank you so much for sharing with me your story...or should I say our story? So many of us can relate to each other. This place is the best for clariry, supporta nd true understanding. Great job on the 4 months!! I have been sobered up about 2 years now....never thought I could make it.....but I have. My husband was never this mean until I did get better...but driving again, leaving the house...not at the house and accounted for every single second probably drives him nuts...maybe he thinks I will become so different "I" won't want HIM.poor guy....It still doesn't excuse verbal abuse though ya know? A very dangerous and ridiculous dynamic can develop between addict/nonuser coddependent.....one becomes the 'bad' guy, one becomes the 'martyed saint"...and there ya go......duals where one defends themselves as NOT BEING SATAN.....and the other swears they can't stand another second being 'with satan'...................it's nuts sometimes.......but I DO keep in persepective my behaviours were very very damaging and painful...and it will take time...just some days I want to be content in my mariage ya know...not worrying every second does he love me? Or he is happy...I ma happy..he is angry...I am resentful..on and on............I ma just as codie as he....I think we all are to a degree.

anyways........keep posting...glad to have met ya...hang in there! *hugs*
__________________
Many Hugs and Hope too,
Tammie

"Think of all the beauty still left around you and BE HAPPY." ~Anne Frank~

"Things do not change, WE change."
~Henry David Thoreau~

2stop is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-18-2006, 04:58 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
OVERIT's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Good Ole' Rocky Top!
Posts: 3,540
(((((Tammie))))

Will try to think of some great words of wisdom later, but for now just hugs, thoughts and prayers!

You've come a long way baby. Keep plodding.

xoxoxoxo

Ang
OVERIT is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-18-2006, 07:05 AM   #13 (permalink)
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
 
Little Missy's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know!
Posts: 1,835
((2stop)) Good to see ya. I remember when we use to post on the gratitude board together. (I think, LOL). I don't get over there much anymore, but I should!!

I agree with what everyone has said. The sober people in our lives are really just as sick as we are. Thankfully, my husband goes to alanon. He started before I got sober. I always tell him, "I'm happy you realized you had a problem and sought help!!" LOL

Anyway, he has his own stuff to work on, and I have mine. I think we can both tell when the other is slacking off on working our programs.

Hang in there!!
Hugs,
Missy
__________________
May all your days be filled with love and laughter!

Little Missy is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2006, 05:50 PM   #14 (permalink)
~Author of My Life~
 
2stop's Avatar
 

Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,800
Thanks so much guys...for your advice and support.

I have had a pretty good weekend. Hubby just left for work.....he didn't get in til yesterday morning.........we don't ever have enough time together is half of our problem. We did get to go to dinner alone......no kids!!!! LOL.......at a nice Chinese restaurant. It was nice. We went to the mall and looked around, bought him some much needed clothes and new shoes. Had a nice time, watched a couple movies. I am sad it has ended already! it's not often we have a good weekend.......he told me today...'it will get better you know....it won't always be like this." That made me feel good, because for quite awhile he has been feeling pretty much hopeless. I am glad he has some hope...and some faith back!!! I told him, we have to stop worrying about losing STUFF!!!! STUFF is just each........each other is...EVERYTHING.soooooo anyways...had to share some positive news with ya ll.............

Hope all are doing alright this weekend. *Hugs*
__________________
Many Hugs and Hope too,
Tammie

"Think of all the beauty still left around you and BE HAPPY." ~Anne Frank~

"Things do not change, WE change."
~Henry David Thoreau~

2stop is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-20-2006, 01:15 PM   #15 (permalink)
I think, therefore I am
 

Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: whereabouts unknown
Posts: 1
Pleaseohplease

Hey there... I am new here, but I am wiping away tears of recognition and hope after reading some of these posts. I don't know the background details for you, but I am hoping someone can relate and inspire me... hell, just tell me what to do!!!
My husband is a nightly drinker (6-10 beers avg) as well as cigs and pot. I admittedly drink also (3-4 nightly) and smoke cigs, no weed. I had quit when pregnant, and am very disappointed that I am at it again. I am trying to quit, acupuncture etc, but I am weak. When I get home with our son (we only have one car and I work full time) my DH is already buzzing and red eyed. He has gotten mean and verbally abusive; then hates himself for drinking the next morn, though he denies being abusive and thinks I exaggerate & play the victim/martyr.
But it never ends. He is so down, I know it. But as I realize I am probably a codependent, I can't really help him, can I? Detachment, right? We have several times come close to divorcing, but $ is a huge problem. As a matter of fact, I just backed out of a lease agreement for a really sweet house because if I leave he can't pay the mortgage, and I can't even see getting all the deposit $ together and paying daycare. I am terrified that I made a mistake and I should take my son and animals and get out of here...his behaviour scares me and I worry about our son. But he is mad at himself too, and keeps telling me (while drinking/smoking) that he needs to quit cold turkey. AND I BELIEVE HIM.
But what if he is still angry, yet won't get therapy because he is paranoid, afraid to dish it all out, and embarrassed?
He's not all bad; I think it is the addiction controlling him. But what if he just doesn't love me, and this is how he deals with the disappointment. Am I only here to help pay the mortgage and so he has access to our son?
I hate to sound victimized. But I am sooooo scared and need this all to change.
goodheartedgal is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-27-2006, 12:38 AM   #16 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: sw, pa
Posts: 74
{2 stop} Hi- I'm happy to hear that you had a nice evening with your husband, they make the struggle much easier at times, huh? My boyfriend is the addict in our relationship so I can really identify with your husband- I can see your points also because it mirrors our relationship and current situations. My ABF is 6 months clean (we have been together about 5 yrs)- I find myself acting exactly as you describe your husband. Very untrusting, paranoid, angry, and pretty much any other emotion you could imagine. Like a rollercoster- I don't know how i'm going to feel minute to minute. I can even reconize what i'm doing at times and have a hard time controlling it before I blow up or accuse. what has helped has been the Nar-anon meetings, this forum, and "Codependent no more" if your husband would be up to it- i believe they are helping me untie that knot in my belly. I know when I act these ways (jealous,angry, resentful, etc.) I'm really terrified. I feel as if my heart is broken one more time I will literally die (weird huh), I wonder if i can take anymore of these suprises in our relationship- so without the drugs I constantly wonder what he is REALLY doing. Is he cheating, lying, back to the drugs, or what. I'm afraid he does not want me anymore, if he'll become bored with us/ me, or even worse- what if he never really loved me at all? What if what he did wasn't really related to the drugs at all- it was just him. The guilt (as horrible as it sounds and is) gets used as a tool- we know the buttons to push and when your afraid you use whatever you can to protect yourself- even the mean words. If your husband feels as I do... he doesn't actually mean these things- he's trying to protect himself (even though its not healthy or right). It's like fighting a powerful army with whatever you can find in your pocket... pocket fuzz? I'm not sure if this made much sense... but the book has helped me so much in this regard. Good luck and congrats on your clean time. Dayna
__________________
dane5679 is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-31-2006, 04:12 PM   #17 (permalink)
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
 
Little Missy's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know!
Posts: 1,835
So happy to hear you had a nice time together!!
__________________
May all your days be filled with love and laughter!

Little Missy is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:35 AM.


 
National Drug and Alcohol Treatment Centers
 
Drug Rehab | Best Treatment Center | Detox Center | Residential Treatment Center
Cocaine/Crack Treatment | Alcohol Rehab | Heroin/Oxycontin Treatment Center | Crystal Meth Treatment | Marijuana Treatment | Methadone Treatment | Suboxone Treatment
 
Local Treatment Resources and Events
 
Alabama | Alaska | Arizona | Arkansas | California | Colorado | Connecticut | DC | Delaware
Florida | Georgia | Hawaii | Idaho | Illinois | Indiana | Iowa | Kansas | Kentucky | Louisiana | Maine
Maryland | Massachusetts | Michigan | Minnesota | Mississippi | Missouri | Montana | Nebraska | Nevada | New Hampshire
New Jersey | New Mexico | New York | North Carolina | North Dakota | Ohio | Oklahoma | Oregon | Pennsylvania | Rhode Island
South Carolina | South Dakota | Tennesee | Texas | Utah | Vermont | Virginia | Washington | West Virginia | Wisconsin | Wyoming

© 2013 Internet Brands. | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Health Disclaimer
A proud member of the SoberRecovery® Network of Addiction and Recovery Websites