Boundaries

[DolphinBlue]

Hello everyone,

well, you probably know by now that it must be time for a little confusion as I am at the helm once again...had to ask because I value opinions here and I like getting as much info as possible. Especially from experience. This is on my mind and just won't let up.

Anyway, basically I am weary of talking to people in AA. I mean there are probably lots of potentially dodgy people around, I can be one of them...but really I am sick of all the underhanded shenanigans that go on in some meetings! I know it's all in the way I react...I still people-please sometimes and this really bothers me! I can't stand hanging around before or after meetings, so I force myself to do it and don't do too bad a job, but often before I know it I'm in a deep conversation with some guy who has managed to slide his way into my space (the women seem to leave early oh gee, I wonder why?) smiling and giggling! It doesn't happen too often, but often enough to bug me. So then I resent them, myself and the situation in general because I've wasted so much energy, time etc that I could really use.

The old 'I'm trying to help'/'My hard life'/'I really feel for you' routine, depending on which one is more likely to work on me, is getting tiring. It's all incredibly convincing. I know I should be patient and tolerant. And when I think about it, tonight's run-in was really the end result of a below average afternoon...I will probably regret being so harsh...but sometimes I wish some people would just back off! Every time I hear a sad story, I really feel for them. Too much. I think this is my 'martyr' ego and I still do it! Bad move! I really need to have the guts to walk away from people who seem 'sincere', they always turn out to be 'not sincere' (I did walk away at first, it was easier when I was new and 'didn't know any better' lol but now I don't have an excuse) it's the people who seem ambivalent who usually are helpful to me.

Maybe these people who I allow to drain me are sincere, they must be if I fall for it...BUT my boundaries are in trouble and I know it. I know I can do this without seeming rude, but occasionally someone will just keep talking regardless of what I say or do, tonight for example - even as I am in the car starting the thing up! I can't just leave them there, then again I would love to. I am worried that I will just explode and tell someone to **** off, maybe many people.

Oh man that felt good! I don't know why this works, purging and all, but it just does. I really don't mean to be negative a lot, I just seem to hold in on some things then I explode. One day I will be a positive influence lol for now I am bitching.

Thanks for reading

Love

DolphinBlue

[zoomer]

Hey D-blue. Now I hope who ever reads this does not blast me. Anyway, Blue, justbecause someone is in AA or recovery does not mean they are "healed" or are good people. Take the Mofia (don't shoot me down if yor reading this) anyway they for the mostpart g t church,bu can do organized crime before during and after te service. Also on the same token, they might turn around and save a child's life. In any cercomstances or group or situation, watch your back,hold your boobs (with some guys in AA) and stick with women in the program,but then again some of the women have control problms too jut because tehy have lot of sober time. I also learned that just becausesoeone is in the program that they are no obligated to be nice to me or my automatic friend, the same goes for me. Go to a meeting beause it helps you, if you make a friend or friends in the process than you are lucky.
Zoomer

[DolphinBlue]

Hi zoomer,

I totally agree with you and yet still do it sometimes! I am glad I got this out though because its a lot clearer to me now. I don't see me putting myself through this stuff again too often. I will just do the dishes or help out in some way after a meeting and talk about the weather for a while. Also, I don't think I'll be going to certain meetings anymore. I just needed to vent

Thanks

DolphinBlue

[Lauren1961]

Blue D,
I've been sober a long time, Zoomer is right people can be and are idiots in AA. Just because they are sober, don't always mean much. Okay Ladys . First BD I think you need to be hanging at womens meeting I don't know how long you are sober, but if you are fairly new, thats where you definitly need to be.
The reason to get to the meeting early and stay late is for the fellowship, you might pick up something (iwise and valuable). If no women stay after, then get there early and greet people at the door (if possible) Tell the women that your new (if you are). As for people drain you, it happens. I tell them nicely if possible "sorry I really can't be of any help because I need to take care of me, I have nothing to give right now" When I'm screwy I tell people that. Remember AA is a selfish program, I'm there to take care of me, if I can help someone else thats great, but I come first! I need to talk to people to see how they work their program, maybe something they say can help me.. AA is a "we" program, I can't do it alone, I don't have to.:shades: And one last thing (I promise) Do you have a sponsor? Okay I'll stop bing the mother sponsor here. Take Care.
LAUREN :shades:

[DolphinBlue]

Hi Lauren,

thanks for your reply. I am not sure if it was because I vented here, but now I just don't say much more to the men than "Hi" (a nice one of course) and keep walking. I don't even feel that I need to explain that I am not in a place to help them. No-one seems to get offended, what a relief. I hang with the women and get much more out of that, although I still realise it can be a little difficult as men are much easier to manipulate (sorry if there's any guys reading this but it's true for me...hey why are you here anyway lol) its an old habit of mine that resufaces even if I intend for it not to...for now anyway, I am only 33 days sober. Anyway, women are intuitive but it's all good because I don't feel I have anything to hide (sometimes I do, out of habit, but really there's nothing there to be guilty about when I think about it).

I do have a sponsor. She's really good for me at the moment. I tell her pretty much everything...she's not usually suprised at anything I have to say, she's been there done that even the strange stuff. Sometimes this makes me feel a little uncomfortable, when I'm scared to face myself, but I try to be honest with her.

Anyway, thanks again for your feedback...hope you have a great day.

Love

DolphinBlue

[Lauren1961]

DB,
Sounds like your doing everything right. Thats good you have a sponsor, hey sometimes I don't want to tell my sponsor something Like I said some men can be idiots.. No you don't have ONLY 33 days. You have 33 days and be proud of yourself , not to proud. . Well, this is a good place to vent, and belive me I like throwing my two cents in :p . If you need someone to talk to, you can send me a private message. Hang in there and keep doing what your doing One Day At A Time.
{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}
LAUREN :shades2:

[Wendy]

I feel the same way about meetings. Almost half the time I leave feeling worse than when I got there . . . I do need to check into more women's meetings though - good idea!

Take care of yourself,

Wendy