what is the point

[myles1]

Hi Ladies,

What is the point of those presents? A little hook so I can get her back and abuse her some more? A little emotional jab? A little tactic to throw me off balance?

Ngaire

[zoomer]

Gee wiz N, havent you gave back those presents yet! LOL,let it go! Devert your self with something els! Your obsessing they way he wants you too. Ha,when my daughter's father brought around gifts after he had a sheba at his families house for Christmas, I threw the presents at him out in the street. Then I said "wait", I'll take the one from your parents cuz they always get me nice things! I felt like a fish, realed in. realed out until the line was cut! It was very hard,but I was in persute of making my life better and that is what I hung on to. Ha, now that Sheba has to deal with him. I got our daughter (a real true blessing)and after 9 years, I finaly got child support! They have kids of their own and do not speak to my daughter because they are a-holes and mad because he finally has to be responsible,but they are the ones losing out and I could careless about them! My poor daughter is hurt by his lack of communication, but I tell her he does pay support and she pritty much gets the whole thing or at least spent on anything her heart desiers! She see's him once in every 3 years or so. I have also said I would pay for her to fly to see him,but he does not want her to mingle much I guess. Anyway, my point is, is that it was childish to throw the presents at him,but on the same tokin I still have my pride 11 years later!!

[Peacefulpie]

Yup Zoomer has a good point....
He has got you exactly where he wants you... Let it go...

[bikerprincess]

Being a "prior" all day sucker (and let me assure all of you..that know me, I say that word with reservation...) I am with the group consensus here to let it go. I however, think that it is here nor there whether you return them because he has gotten the reaction he wanted either way. You might as well keep them...as the point of returning them was to let it go and you are not doing that.

I say this with love in my heart sister. I have been a fool for a mans games for far too long.

Anne

[Live]

Ngaire,
If you don't want to be with him then who cares what is in his head? y'know? Maybe this, maybe that, but it doesn't matter either way, anyway.
Are you waiting for him to get straight so you can get back together?
love,
live

[myles1]

First of all the reason I haven't returned them yet is because I am not driving 20 miles one way out of my way to go over there. I'm not going over there and he obviously doesn't have theg uts to face me so I can give them back, but I;m not keeping them. I'm waiting until he is back to work and I'm going to dump them off beside his car.

And I'm also not paying good money to put them through the mail system either.

It's easy to say let it go but it's going to take me awhile to work through all this crap.

What's the reaction I haven't called about the presents, I'd say that's more the reaction he wanted.

You know I'm just really hurt right now.

Ngaire

[Live]

Myles,
I know it hurts and it is hard. I am still suffering too. I have to think of him as my addiction and use that approach towards it. And do anything for myself that I can to help ME feel better.

What I see now in your situation is that he has gotten NO RESPONSE from you regarding the gifts and I think that's smartest of all.

I sound like a broken record here, but the thing that helps me the most is excercise whether it is going to the gym or just taking a long walk, gets rid of that nervous energy that we worry with, breathes in fresh air, new thoughts and gets us in better shape emotionally, mentally and physically. Stimulates good energy.

On the boards here while I am out of town and meetings when I get home.

live

[zoomer]

Gee wiz N! Your hurt right now because you are vunrable. Listion, my daughter's father actually sent her gifts this year. Some cheep beeded braceletts and an ugly purse. Now If I bought them for my daughter, she would tell me strait up,"these are ugly Mom", they are pink and my girl is 12 and she is way past the pink stage of girlhood! Dam if she is not wearing those braceletts all the time now. My feelings are hurt,but mostly for my girl. I was just telling her last month to write her Dad and she said "WHAT'S THE POINT, HE WILL NEVER WRITE BACK"! I told her guys are lazy at writing letters,but at least you know you tried. There is also a wedding coming up of his sister. My daughter will be a Jr. Brides maid. Ha, I have to fork out $200 for the dress. Now was invited the other day by his sister and she also wants me to help with the flowers. I did except the invitation, but I have change my mind. I just do not want anyone to feel unconfortble (mostly his wife, she still has a grudge). I will pay for the dress and help with the flower, I do like his sister and she has been a wonderful Aunt to my girl, but I just do not want or have to feel uncomfortabe in my life any more! I think I havee grown up a little. Before, I'd actually look forward to making his wife feel uncomfortable because she hurt my daughter real bad emotionally,but I don't want to waist my time!
Zoomer

[margo]

Hi Ngaire - if you don't want to drive to him to give them back, think about donating them to a local homeless shelter, women's shelter, or the Salvation Army Thrift Store. I'm sure there will be one of these facilities in your area. That way, you will be helping someone in need instead of possibly doing something you may later regret. Good luck!

[sieglindek]

(((((Ngaire, honey,))))
What is up, sister? Why are you chewing on this til the flavors gone? Keep the presents, enjoy them, and move on. The whole concept of gifts is that you don't owe him anything.

I obviously can't really know what is going on with you, but it seems like you are possibly (like a lot of women) a person who bases self-esteem on the attention of a man. If this does not apply to you, please forgive me. If it does, please forgive me and then think about what you can do to get off of that ride. It sucks!! It also can lead to being manipulative and controlling because, through those glasses, it may appear that the most important thing in the entire world is what Mr. X thinks of you.

Do you feel like a well rounded person?

[myles1]

Hi Ladies,

First off Happy New Year!

Thanks for all the replies.

Right now my self-esteem is low and I am vulnerable. It's going to take time for the feelings to pass through and as Live said doing things for myself to feel good is important.

And then somebody brought up trying not to focus on it too much because then we want to control and manipulate back. That's true I read something not long ago that we can become the thing we hate if we hang onto the resentments.

Also someone {excuse me I have a really bad memory with all the names} was saying something about not feeling like something without the attention of a man. I used to be guilty of that now not anymore, I do do quite well on my own. I just have alot of different feelings about it all right now which I'm trying to let work through and I have to say it's the first time in my life I've ever gone through this without picking up a drink,drug, or another relationship so it's new ground.

Thanks for your support.

Ngaire

[Peacefulpie]

Happy New year!

Nagiar.... Feelings are wonderful things... and thats what they are they are feelings neither good or bad... How you feel is very valid. and I feel that because you are allowing then to take their course and process w/o picking up is the HUGEST victory you can win... Thank you for shareing this with us... Personally I think you rock!

[zoomer]

:okay: Hey N! Happy New Year. True story. I finally got child support from my daughter's father. It was 9 years in the making! He could con, run and avoid better than anyone I know! Anyway, I won back payments too of over a $1,200 a month! All through the support collection unit so I would never have to talk to him about anything legal. Well, I had him calling me, his wife trying to tell me I was distroying their lives. Even his parents called and actually tryed to bribe me with $25,000 put in my daughters name if I dropped the support issue. Well, basically I was real nice to him and his wife,and told his parents too keep out of it because it was between me and him,but stuck tomy guns! Ofcourse I felt guilty! What pressure,all of them even threw in the other grandchildren and how I was taking food out of their mouth! Well,I felt I could not keep the money, so I bought my daughter the thing she most wanted "tickets to the back street boys". Ha the tickets were sold out long before,so I learned to use the computer better. Well,we had more money left over, so we invited a little girl who was dying of cancer. Well, one thing lead to another and the little girl got so happy that she rebound a little. They were exspecting her to die before Valinties day, Ha, she lived many months after. O a lot of other people were rooting for herand she received 1,000s of valintines,but what better way to spend the "guilt money" We road in a limo, got to be in first out o 10,000 or more people and the BSB sung a song for her! It was one of the most meaniful things I ever did. I also brought a bunch of wayward kids to Britany Spears (me included)! I'm comfortable now getting the money, and he did try to flake out a few times sence,but things have a way of working out.
Zoomer

[Paulie]

Ngaire -

Feel what you feel, be proud of yourself for not using during this confusing time for you.

Keep posting about it, let it out. The answers will come to you.

Have you been to any meetings lately? I always feel better going to a meeting, and somehow... I ALWAYS hear something that helps me.

Take care!!!

[myles1]

Hi Ladies,

Went to an hour and a half speaker meeting last night fo rNew Years. That was good.
Today we're just {myles and I} hanging out for New Years day.

One thing I've learnt from this is the impotance of being an authentic person. I'm going to work on that, developing and being myself so that down the road if I ever have a relationship again I won't have "HOOKED" anyone in by false airs and trying to be something I'm not.

The reason I bring this up is I feel somewhat taken by this man. I feel that he worked to put on a good show to be what he figured I wanted, said and did all the right things and then just became his monstrous self. So it is important to be authentic and I suppose that goes along with living a spiritual life as my A.A program teaches me.

Thanks for listening,

Ngaire

[Blazinglory]

Hello!

I have read many wonderful replies and suggestions.

When I go through a stressful situation I tell myself, "If God brings me to it, He'll get me through it." Hang in there...feelings are a fact but they will eventually pass.

HAPPY NEW YEAR....HAPPY NEW DAY

[zoomer]

Hey N, you hit on a good point! Being yourself! Ha, funny thing is- is that as for myself there are many sides and act in different ways in different social sercomstances! Ha, too funny, my girlfriend I met at school (she moved now), her husband was a big wig in a company (I wasareturning adult student at the time) Anyway, they tried to se me up with one of his employees! He was sooooooooo stuck on himself and thought I had money because I was his bosses wife's best friend. Well, he offered to take me to my car after our get together with my friends at a dance place, and he tried so hard to put on the moves. He said "Baby, I know your loaded just by looking at you and we can have such a good time together"! Ha, I laughed soooo hard and told him "I'm as poor as a church mouse and have nothing but my children that is worth anything"! Well, he did't believe me until we got to my car, a beat up old Rbbit with rust and holes int he floor! After he saw my car, he almost pushed me out of his car and took off as fast as he could! God, I laughed so hard! Ha, I told my friend and she wanted her husband to ire the A-hole, but I said please don't he is just a jerk! I was OK wth being who I was and had no pretences,hehad them all! I do have a hard time know with being who I am. I have to learn not to be "so honest" about my back ground with "the normal world". Pretences will just get you in trouble!
Zoomer