Relapse

[Rowan]

I'm at my Mom and Dad's and have been here all afternoon. The house is full of people and I'm hiding upstairs in the computer room. I had a drink this afternoon. I need to hide up here or I will drink more. Only because my boyfriend and my daughter are here will I not have another.
Yes, my boyfriend. You may remember that we split up. He begged and begged to get back together. I relented. I am in no way blaming him for my drinking this afternoon. It's just ... I've been anxious all day about coming here and he helped to allay my fears this morning. And it was so hard to let him in, to risk being that vulnerable! But I did it, because he told me that I would be safe. Then he crossed a major line this afternoon, unintentional as it might have been, but it ripped the wound open again and I spiraled down. I asked my dad to fix me a drink on the sly and he was only too happy to oblige. My poor dad; he just wants me to be happy and he sees how miserable I am. I'm so ashamed of myself. When I first came to AA I stayed sober for two years, then after a one-night relapse I again returned and stayed sober for two more years. Another relapse this past July, and here we are not even six months later. I've recently gotten a new sponsor and she has been just terrific. She isn't home today so I emailed her just now to confess. I understand completely if she can't sponsor me anymore.
I know that my period is due in a couple of days, and going through perimenopause has been hell, it's like PMS times 10. And I know that this contributes to my feelings of wanted to claw my skin off, of locking my doors and drinking until I disappear.
Ladies, I am so terribly sorry for coming in here on Christmas and letting go with such a load of crap. It's just that at certain times, I'm struck with such clarity (or maybe it's the opposite) that I see how hopeless my life is. I detest myself. I can't stand sitting with people because I feel like a scab sitting in the room. The house continues to fill with my sister's friends and the drinks are being passed out. No one is drunk, but everyone is happy. We will be leaving soon, I just need to hide for a little while longer. To go downstairs means that I have to make the rounds and shake hands, hug, wish merry christmas etc. I can't do it right now.
I can't stop thinking of drinking.
Rowan

[splendra]

(((Rowan)))

Please don't be too hard on yourself. Let's just call it a little stumble not a full blown relaps...hang in there sweetie...

[Anna]

Rowan,

It's a difficult situation to be at your parent's house and with everything else going on. Hang in there and you'll get through this.

[CarolD]

Hugs Rowam....

"God grant me"...still works real well.

Blessings.

[bikerbabe]

Rowan~
Can you get to a meeting? Krap, if I had to be in a house all day with my family I would drink and, slash my wrists! I don't even put myself in the situation! My sobriety comes first. Limiting relationships is essential for my sobriety. I choose to live, sober.
2 cents - bb

[BlueMoon]

{{{Rowan}}}

You don't EVER have to apologize for venting/dumping here - no matter WHAT day it may be!!! That's why this forum is here, that's why others are here - reading and responding - You are most definitely NOT ALONE in having a rough time this time o' year!

PLEASE - STOP beating yourself up now.
Haul your a$$ to a meeting.
ALL ANY OF US HAVE IS *TODAY*.
That's ALL that matters.
That is ALL we need - this minute, this hour, this day.

Be GOOD to yourself and take care! You are SO WORTH IT!!!

{{{{{LOTS of hugs}}}}}

Bright Blessings,
Blue

[Justme57]

Rowan, as Blue has said, there are no apologies needed that is why this site is such a beautiful thing.

I agree with others, get yourself to a meeting, and stop beating yourself up over this

We are here for you

(((((((( Rowan))))))

HUGX
Lee

[carolm]

Dear Rowan,

Please don't apologize. That's why we're here to help each other. For the first time in years, I spent the holiday with my in-laws. YIKES! I made it, but it will be a long time before I do that again.

My husband just brought me home and my daughter and he are staying a little longer. That's Ok with me, as long as I'm not there.

Don't bear yourself up. Go to a meeting if you can. Take care of yourself.

Carol

[michski]

((((( Rowan ))))))

I have done the same thing as you just did more times than I can remember. It's just NOT easy to learn how to deal with family and loved ones and ALL their issues and ALL your issues with them, sober. So you've only reset your sobriety date... you're still willing to change and we all are so willing to be here for you! Please don't slip into self loathing, we've got to learn from our mistakes and move on...

Wishing you all the best and hoping you can protect yourself and your feelings through the continuing holidaze.

[spork]

Rowan - holidays are really hard times for alcoholics. The closest I've ever come to a slip in sobriety was my first sober Christmas. It was horrible. My car was frozen in my driveway, so my father had to pick me up, my teenaged daughter and I were arguing, my sister was interfering in that argument, my mother was drunk, I couldn't escape, and my ex was picking up the nasty teenager at the end of the day.

I wanted to drink so much, by the time I got home. It was snowing, hard, as I changed into warm clothes and went outside to walk to a bar. I found myself at an AA meeting instead.

I avoided family holidays for years - something I have no regrets about.

So - call your sponsor, call some AA friends, and get to a meeting. And next time you're faced with an uncomfortable event you feel like you have to go to - remember that you don't. Your job is to stay sober, and protect yourself. If you do that - everything else will fall into place. I promise.

[carolm]

Hey Rowan,

Are you there? Waiting for you to post.

Take care.

Carol

[BlueMoon]

Me too Rowan!
We CARE!
Sending lots of positve energy your way!

Blessings,
Blue

[daddysgirl29]

((((((((Rowan))))))))))))

Hope you're okay. I empathize. Please let us know how you're doing. We care. Just keep coming back.

Big hugs,

[Rowan]

Oh I feel like crying right now! But in a good way!! After I posted I refused to go online - just needed to get through the emotions first, I guess.
I am much, much better. I'm not happy about drinking, but I'm not going to give up on life either. Thank you ALL so much for sharing your experiences, your love, and your hope. Going to my parents was a bad idea. They are good people and they care, but there are too many unresolved issues there. Plus I haven't seen my eldest daughter in 4 months I had so hoped to see her over Christmas. PLUS my period was due. This was one of the biggest factors. I got my period today and although physically I am in pain, emotionally, my head is much more clear.
I should be able to get back to meetings starting this week. I was working in a different office for 3 weeks due to renovations at my home office and the extra commute time didn't allow for any. I simply wasn't home early enough.
Thank you all again so much, I feel so validated when I come here, and I am so grateful to all of you.
p.s. I am working a shift for someone all night so I might be posting a lot tonight trying to stay awake!
LOVE Rowan

[carolm]

Hi Rowan,

I can understand you hunkering down for a day. I, as well as many people, were just worried about you. I'm glad you're back.

Take care.

Carol

[Rowan]

I'm glad to be back too. Thanks Carol

[Trina]

Welcome back, Rowan. I really needed to read your post. Wasn't going to log on today, but it is my first sober Christmas, and although my family and friends are fantastic about not getting blitzed around me (it really was only ME that did that!), there was still booze around. My partner got a large bottle of rum for a present from his boss, and he brought it home. He had a couple of rum and eggnogs, which is fine. This is my problem to own, not his. But he left it on top of the fridge and went fishing while I was cleaning. I put music on and started cleaning, and saw that bottle. Talk about triggers. I thought about it, I really did. I even picked it up and felt the weight in my hands. Then I played the tape in my head. Then I took the bottle downstairs to the basement and shut the door behind me on my way out. Not even 10 mins later, he came home, something told him to come back and get the bottle out of my line of vision. It worked.
I also phoned my sponsor, who wasn't home. So I came here, and read your post, Rowan. Thank you so much for your honesty and your reaching out. You may have changed your sobriety date, but you carried the message.

[Rowan]

Hi Trina
Thank you for your powerful post and congratulations on your first sober Christmas.
Funny, I hadn't looked at my relapse as carrying the message, but looking at it through anyone else's eyes but my own, I guess that's exactly what purpose it was supposed to serve. Thanks for helping to put a positive spin on it.

[hopealwayz]

(((Rowan)))
You are a strong woman. I admire you.

Don't beat yourself up-- keep on moving forward.
Every experience is a learning experience.

Hugs,
Cheryl

[indigo]

You're going to be just fine Rowan....can you feel all the love and support here with your Friends at SR. When we can't hold ourselves toghether others can and do.

Respect and love indie

[Rowan]

Yes Indie, I do feel it. Isn't it wonderful?