What was I thinking?

[splendra]

Why did I not seek out the woman that my H divorced and ask her why she divorced this talented, intelegent, sensitive, loving man? I am sure I would have gotten an earfull.

She did talk to me once and she said you'll learn your lesson....

I wonder why we don't look into someones background a little more INSTEAD OF just going on how someone makes us feel?

Any comments?

[51anna]

Well, I guess love is blind. We can so easily overlook the subtle messages that come along when we are first getting to know someone. We quickly tell ourselves that it doesn't matter, it's not that bad. I guess we want to shut out reality and just go forward, even though we know we should look deeper.

Splendra don't be hard on yourself about this. You did what you thought was the right thing at the time. One of my favourite quotes:

"At the time, I did what I knew to do, and when I knew better, I did better". Maya Angelou

[CarolD]

Heck! I would had not heeded.

I wanted him because he made me feel sooo special!

[MamaGoose]

Falling in lust is so powerful that our brains shut down.

Now there's a book out "100 Questions to Ask Before You Marry" Wish I had that years ago. But still in the beginning when everyone is putting their best foot forward you are still fooled.
Also if you had listened to her side would you have defended him at that time?

There are two sides to every story and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

Take care.

[pmaslan]

Would we really listen anyway?

[splendra]

I want to encourage all of us here to check a person out throughly before they become too involved with a new partner. Do a background check, ask their ex why they are no longer together or, why they got a divorce, run a retail credit check on them. If the person does not want to give you the information in order to do these things consider it a red flag....please!!!

[pmaslan]

I agree Splendra, it could save a lot of grief and heartache down the road.

[bikerbabe]

Yup! Thats it! Keep making the same mistakes because pickers broke. I did a background on someone once, nothing showed up - criminally. Come to find out, he owed like $30k back child support, went from job to job, never quite getting caught because he moved os often.

Hubby is former DA. Even he displayed serious red flags, I still didn't see. Now, have to pick up all the pieces. Somehow, going through all of this makes me stronger. I have strengths that he does not. We are both in recovery so are on a path of success together. My biggest issue is not boogying when the going gets tough.

Nothing is ever going to be easy! Sometimes, the problems just aren't as evident until later. We have to quit making the same decisions. Take time and be patient. Recovery does not = sanity. ****! If that were true, we wouldn't be here!

bb

[Rowan]

Hey Splendra
I agree with Anna on this one; don't be so hard on yourself, or go kicking yourself for getting hooked up with this guy.
And as has also been mentioned, even if someone told me to look out for whatever reason, I'd still follow my gut, otherwise I'd always wonder 'what if?'
It's like my old sponsor used to say to me when I asked her if I should date someone in particular, she would say, 'why do you ask me? you're just going to go ahead and do what you want anyway!' Sigh so true. I've got rocks in my head methinks
Take good care of YOU
Rowan

[ODAT]

I remember the saying...people come into our lives for a a reason, a season or a lifetime and I think that its amazing how God brings to us exactly who we need to work through certain issues that really, no matter how we wanna slice it, belong to us.

I don't hold with the notion to always blame the abuser. He wouldn't be there if it wasn't for us. Takes 2 to tango, always. We just have to decide we wanna learn a different dance even if the steps feel strange and foreign.

Maybe he has to go through the motions a few more times before he decides to learn another dance too. Not my problem. But, if he isn't dancing the same dance I'm on--well, its pretty hard to waltz with someone who is still doing the steps of the tango.

I thank God today for the abusers in my past for without them I wouldn't have found the courage and motivation to learn a new dance. I also wouldn't have been able to understand my mother so well, or any of my sisters who are still stuck doing the tango.

I also thank God that even though in the past I might have wanted them to be there for a lifetime--I thank God that they were there for a reason and only for a season.

[sober1_94]

Well Splendra, Don't be hard on you. If I really fell for a fella, I sure would not be
believing anything the X had to say, after all, I would believe him to be the
most wonderful guy on the face of the earth. And, btw, she is just a jealous witch,
cause her X is with me now.......rotflol
That's how my brain works......

[ODAT]

Splendra

I grew up in an atmosphere of judgement and criticalness. My core family was harsh, condemning and punative--abusive in many ways. And, as I learned to leave my nuclear family, I then took with it much of the same behavior and thought patterns that I disliked so much. Only, instead of using them on others so much--I used them on myself.

You see, I needed a partner with which to tango with--because that was the only dance that I knew. I didn't like the dance...so I left the partner. But, unfortunately, I didn't change the dance--so I found another partner to replace the first one--yet, we still did the same dance.

For me, leaving the abusive relationship was and is only one step in the process. I had to and still have to constantly attack or let go of the self-abuse that I put myself through be it in the form of addiction, trying to fix another person or being way too harsh on myself.

Kicking ourselves in the butt for being naive or whatever--for getting INTO an abusive relationship is all well and good, but, hindsight is always easier than forsight. And if I spend too much time dwelling on the 'why didn't I' and "I should have" then I am in fact not really leaving the past behind me. I am simply taking the same abuse--internally--and owning it for myself.

In order to leave the abuse behind I have to learn to forgive myself for being so stupid as to get into the relationship in the first place. I have to understand that my need, indeed my attraction to this person stemmed from the same past and issues that made it impossible for me to understand or to ask his ex about her experience with him. And, to be honest, if I want to believe that change is possible for me, then I have to believe that it is possible for him also.

Before, if someone had asked me about my ex's I might have given a long list of their short-comings and such--detailing all of the horrible reasons why I left the relationship. But, that would be ignoring my own part in the whole thing and I don't believe that me saying that would be any less abusive than him saying to a potential boyfriend of mine all of my dirt and such that happened in that relationship. From 'his' perspective, I was a biatch. I was over-emotional, irrational, incapable of doing anything right, moody, lazy etc etc. It doesn't matter that I did more work than he. It doesn't matter that I was reacting to his stuff. It doesn't matter that I was attempting to set boundaries and such--all of my attempts at progress and changing the dance--he interpretted that as me being a biatch. A good woman would have understood his needs, his problems, his dilemmas. A possessive woman would have reacted like I did when he was dating someone else at the same time he was with me :P In his mind, I was being overly possessive and not understanding of his need for freedom and privacy.

You see, there are two sides to every story and just as I wouldn't want someone to ask him about me, so too do I think it somewhat improper to ask a potential partners ex about that person. What I would do now is listen carefully to how he speaks about HIS ex's. If he is unable to take accountability and to understand himself why she might have split with him--if he blames her for all the problems etc etc--then I know that there is a good chance that in the future he will blame me too.

But, kicking ourselves because we didn't recognize stuff or didn't ask his ex or whatever before getting into the relationship--to my mind, is too close to being self-abusive. Its like kicking me when I'm down for being down and I have to be careful of that.

Why not just be glad and congratulate yourself for getting OUT of the situation when you did? Praise the posatives, learn some from the negatives--and change the dance from being self-abusive to being self-supportive.

You left him. You are learning a new dance. This is something to be happy about. Let the self-recrimminations go.

[splendra]

(((Taira)))

I haven't left him cause this is my house and kicking him out is not going to be easy....cause he doesn't want to go.

I do not feel I am kicking myself. Maybe I am...I just want this cr@p to be over. I know we actract people who will help us play out our drama.

If someone asks him what it was like to be in a relationship with me and whatever he says to them runs him off then good. Maybe it will save me something. And if I do ever get involved with someone else again and his ex says they split because he is a drug addict or an alcoholic womanizer I think I will walk the other way...especially if a retail credit check shows that he does not pay his bills and has a history of being kicked out of places to live and/or a criminal background check shows that he has a record....That is just how I feel about it....

[abtchonamission]

(((((((((Splendra))))))))))

[Hopefloats]

Splendra, we all have pasts. Each and every one of us. I like to see where the person is, in the now. What work have they done? What kind of values and morals are they living by. Those things are important to me.

Sure, someone can tell us "their" truth. And I am not saying that there is not truth in their personal experince. But sometimes people just deal with a different set of realities. What someone "was" does not always mean that is what someone "is". Sure, again..if they have not done their work, or made the appropriate changes, then we may see some of what another person saw of lived with.

For me, getting to know me, learning to trust myself, has certainly given me the tools to understand what to look for in a potential relationship, and the tools to leave, if it is not working out for me.

I don't listen to ex girlfriends or ex wives. I just would be making my decisions on their perceptions and experience. I find it is better to make my decisions on MY personal experience with another.

Just my thoughts. I would go on how you feel, what you want, and what your personal experience is. If I had listened to Mr. Hope's ex, I would not of even dated this man. Her reality surely is not my reality. I am glad I went on what I saw, not on what she "says" she experienced. I am not taking away from her feelings. They are hers. But again, they are not mine. Almost five years strong here, and I am still treated with the utmost respect and love. If I were not..I would be gone.

Blessings..
Hopefloats

[splendra]

(((Hope))))

I am real glad that you have found a good relationship and that your gut was right.

I suppose I ought to be more accepting of the hand that I drew. Sometimes acceptance feels like denial to me. Especially since I so detest some of the factors that my relationship has....I do love most of it we have many of the same talents and interest. It's just his addiction leads him to behaviors that really really hurt me...when I find out about some of them it is just like a knife in my heart I am even experiencing chest pain a lot lately...I know this is not good for me...

[escape artist]

[quote=splendraSometimes acceptance feels like denial to me. Especially since I so detest some of the factors that my relationship has....I know this is not good for me...[/QUOTE]

remember the 3 A's? Awareness, Acceptance, Action. maybe you are at number three now?