Change

[Rowan]

Hi everyone,

I posted in the 'I hate men club' thread last night as I needed to vent about my relationship. Now that I've had time to cool off, I just wanted to toss out a couple of questions. I'd be interested in knowing what your experiences are in this area. I've read some terrific posts from women who recognize that the change needs to come within ourselves, and I believe that also.

What I find frustrating (of late) is my own willingness to change, but my boyfriend's willingness isn't there. When things get really serious and we are on the verge of ending the relationship, he might acknowledge that he has an anger problem (which he does) but then it's swept under the rug until the next incident. I've always been one to accept blame, and take responsibility for any dysfunction in a relationship. I'm on antidepressants, and I'm currently undergoing hormone testing. Funny thing is, when I'm on my own, my moods really aren't that significant. I think most of us experience this; it seems to be in a relationship when our flaws, our character defects, are magnified. So here I am doing what I can to change, but I'm seeing that I'm doing it more for him than I am for me. He's very vocal about my PMS moods and how they affect him. I got a little hot under the collar last night over something, but didn't verbalize it. I knew it wasn't worth blowing up; besides, I've learned from him that if I show this anger, he plays the victim and yells at me. So I held it in but he went on the defensive anyway - raises his voice, tells me I'm a control freak, he can't do anything right yada yada yada and I know these things aren't true. There was a time when I would break down sobbing and say 'I'm sorry I'll change' but last night I asked him to keep his voice down (my daughter was in bed sleeping) he said 'oh what do you care' and I firmly told him to go home and cool off. Then it happened; the ultimatum: 'if i go home that's it, so is that your final decision?' Please just go home. I had to call my sister to keep myself distracted while he stormed through the house and collected a couple of things.

Okay so I went on long enough about that. I have blamed myself for far too long about too many things, and I am learning to trust myself. My gut gets all twisted in knots when he behaves like this, and I feel powerless. I feel like a child; I'm scared, you know? And when he says those things about me, a little part of me wonders if he is right. But I just know that he's not. I have made great attempts at change and I know I am making progress. His beef last night was that I was not allowed to get pissed off at him. I won't accept that. That's part of what brought me to AA; stuffing my feelings. I don't ever want to go there again.

Does anyone have a similar experience they could relate? I would really like to know what others' thoughts and opinions are regarding this.

And so. Thanks for listening
Rowan

[Phinneas]

I dunno, Rowan. Sounds like you summed it up quite nicely here.

Originally Posted by Rowan

And when he says those things about me, a little part of me wonders if he is right. But I just know that he's not. I have made great attempts at change and I know I am making progress. His beef last night was that I was not allowed to get pissed off at him. I won't accept that. That's part of what brought me to AA; stuffing my feelings. I don't ever want to go there again.

We learn in the program - to thine own self be true. When things aren't working, we get guidance. Like those gut feelings and the Truth that whispers in our ears.

Sounds like you are listening.... now the hard part, what are you willing to do about it?

[Rowan]

EXACTLY. What am I going to do about it .... I'm not there yet, though.

[ODAT]

Keep doing what you're doing and trust the process.

Eventually when he says "if I leave, thats it" you may decide that thats it and be done with it but that may not happen--who knows perhaps he will get hit on the head first and finally see the light.

I found that imagining a shield around me--sort of like the protection shield that covered the one army there in the first episode of the star wars movie. His verbal attacks were like little darts coming at my shield and it was my choice if I let them in or not. Most would bounce off and fall flat of their target.

It would seem likely to me that as your anger and stuff gets under-control--he will increasingly try to pull you back to how he's comfortable with. One person in a relationship just can not change without that change manifesting itself in the relationship and one way or another the change in the relationship will follow.

I would suggest that you keep emergency precautions for yourself available just incase his anger starts to go off the wall because the more you stick to your guns the more angry and out of control he is likely to get--before he realizes that he has to do something about it.

But, I'd say your doing a great job so just keep doing what you're doing and when clarity comes as to your next move with regards to the relationship--you will be ready to make that decision and follow it through whatever that decision is.

[bikerbabe]

Thanks for your post Rowan... I can totally appreciate what you have said. I get into the same kind of feelings with my man. The problem is, I married him. So, it is either work through it or boogie like I have done in every relationship.

I remember when we were dating he would say the same thing "I will take my toys and go home." I hate those freakin ultimatums. I feel like men in sobriety do not respect woman's need for peace and harmony in her environment. When I was alone I was fine too! I really don't feel like the feelings are character defects. I feel like the character defect is picking a man that makes me feel edgy. I have had to go on meds in the last year. I got tired of feeling like I was constantly picking at him. Yet, when I met him, he was a total caveman. I don't feel like I ever want to live with any kaka man. No wonder women PMS!

bb

[Rowan]

I don't feel like I ever want to live with any kaka man. No wonder women PMS!

I had to go back and reread this - kaka man! Perfect!! haaaaaa