Help mass confusion

[hja1407]

I have no idea of where to start this. Most of you know that I am married to an active addict. For those who don't well now you know. Anyways, he is still using and I really cannot take it anymore. Tonight was the straw that broke the camel's back. He said that he was going to bid on a job in another town and be home before I got off. UH OKAY !!!!!!! As if this were something that I would believe. anyway at work there has been this guy who has been trying to go out with me since we met. We have been talking off and on just harmless flirting and then tonight he called me out of the blue and wanted to met away from the sotre. Me being depressed and pissed off said sure. Here is the really BAD part. We had sex. It wasn't anything that I had planned. It was just I don't know how to explain it. It jsut felt so good to be held by someone who seems to have feelings and care for you. I say that becasue I am no longer sure if I have gotten so messed up in the head that I am unable to tell if someone likes me for me or if it is all a game. I do know that while he is outside in 30 degree weather and getting high I am in here feeling guilty because of this. And I know that I should feel gulity on a certain level, however, why is it that I am the one who is feeling guilty for just trying to be happy? I have no idea if these feelings will last or not. I just don't know what to do. I know that I love my husband I just don't know what to do. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry so long guys jsut need some type of something.

[Cap3]

Looking for love in all the wrong places.Although you say that tonight was the straw that broke the camels back.No matter what another does,we are responsible for our own actions.The addict/alcoholic will blame and say,to us,the lie,that,you drove me to drink/take drugs.Which is NOT true,as we learn this in recovery programs.The addict/alcoholic choose,s to take drugs/drinks,or chooses to get help,as we choose our own actions also.No one can make anyone do anything that they dont want to.Youre learning a very painful lesson here.That the harmless flirtation,eventually became harmful to you.And this guy ,will feel it to,,eventually.You say that you feel confused,and this is showing,to others,that you are confused.Although one is responsible for ones actions,there are folks who will try,to take advantage of us,if we allow it.No healthy minded friend would get into something like this.They would support,be helpful,,comfort,,etc.But not making a bad situation worse for the one that they claim to care about...My dear,you are a very worthy person.YOU dont need this.You are treating yourself,with harmful decisions,which you can change,starting today.This type of stuff will only drag you down.its a tempory fix,that causes more problems,and bigger issues.Self-esteem,self-loving,and,recovery.you will learn in recovery programs.,For its all an inside job.No one can give this to you.Use that guilt as a spring-board to making a commiment to yourself,that you will go and get help,and start a recovery,program.. .We cant change the past,it all happened.But we can change,today,learn form the past,and start anew way to live.Today is a new day..!!!
my prayers for all involved.

[51anna]

We are all responsible for our own choices and how we choose to live each day. That's a lesson I learned when I became sober. When you find something outside of you, that makes you feel good, you need to check your motivation. I hope you find peace.

[hoyden]

I have been in a similar situation to your marriage...my sponsors and I discussed whether my continuing to cohabitate with my husband put me in danger of drinking or using. I prayed about it for 2 months and I moved out. There's no way that I would not eventually start again if I stayed with him. So I left.
As for the other...I agree with Anna that you have to question your motives. Did you have sex with him to make yourself feel better about yourself? Were your motives pure when you met up with him? I'm just throwing in the things my sponsors have told me to consider and I think that its right on. I am starting to think that I never went into a relationship with any male without some agenda.

[dollydo]

This is a hard one....were all your defenses down? Did you need to feel needed or wanted? I cannot answer those questions....however I will say WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES,
and if you are living with an addict...he has made more than you can count...

Don't be so hard on yourself....just question yourself and make the best decisions for you in the future. Do you feel better about yourself now? Think about it, you hold the answer.

My Best,
Dolly

[hja1407]

Hey guys!Sorry that it has taken me so long to answer but i have had alot on my mind and the end resluts are not what I wnat to realise. I did what I did for all the wrong reasons and know that the end of this marriage is here. I am not sure hwat all I am going to do but I do know that nothing changes if nothing changes so . I am going to stay here for a little while anbd then I am going to move somewhere who knows where just yet. Thanks for the swift kick in the ass that I needed . That's what I love about this place you get what you need when you need it.
Heather

[laurie6781]

Just remember Hja, when you move, you take you with you. Sometimes, its better to stay put and work thru whats going on inside of you before you jump.

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),

[ODAT]

I found for me that

I could change my home, the place where I lived and it helped...

for a while...

I could change my relationship and it seemed to help...

for a while...

And then the new place started to look a lot like the old place

And the new guy started to look a lot like the old guy...

And in the end...it really sank in...that unfortunately or fortunately...

The only person I can really change...

Is me.

The change had to come from the inside out and as it has...

My house is cleaner...

My relationships are all better...yep, even the one with the guy...though

At times I still get tempted to work from the outside in.

Then I go back to Alanon because for me, for now

That is where I get the most support with regards to changing me....lol...its sort of like, deal with the kid issues, get into the door, deal with the drugs...deal with more kid issues, get back into another door, deal with the alcohol...deal with more issues....and more issues....and now I get to handle what might have been the real problem after-all...the kid issues made me who I am, the drinking helped me escape from that...and I STILL have a tough time with relationships. When I'm on my own there is less problem, but as soon as I get into a relationship I'm back to trying to fix him and to forgetting about me.

So, here I am...

Back working again on me...

Change from the inside out.