Trying hard to be a woman

[Fazia]

Hello to whoever reads this.

I'm new to this board and I decided to register afer reading some threads and looking at some of the topics. I came upon this forum as someone mentioned before, "a bizzare search" online. Alcoholics and addicts are no strangers to my life, alcohol and drugs are not strangers to me.
After finding this forum I thought long and hard about joining precisely due to the title of my thread. I've often found it hard to relate to women, from childhood to adolescense, to adulthood, I've always found it easier to relate to men. Finding this form made me think that maybe I can relate to women who have similar experiences to mine. I wasn't even sure where to post my first message, on the "welcome newcomers" thread, or the "friends and family of alcoholics" thread, but decided to do it here because for a while now I've been trying hard to work on being more compassionate or as some have said, "softer". I'm sure that the alcohol abuse I've experienced in my life has made me the person I am today so I look foward to coming around here and getting some advice, or just talking to anyone who's willing to hear me out.

Thanks in advance.

[namommy]

fazia,
Welcome to SR. And to WIR.

We've all been there. Feeling like we don't relate well to women.

I had to chuckle to myself when I read you are working hard to become "softer". I recently posted in another forum that "Calm and soft are not in my vocal range" I struggle with the same thing.

The women here are great. You will find alot of love and compassion here. They have all helped me to become more of a woman than they could imagine.

[Rowan]

Hi Fazia
I'm Rowan, and it's nice to meet you. You've come to a good place. What's especially good is that you get to maintain some boundaries as you allow yourself to become more vulnerable with women. I know that I feel particularly safe when I post online. Face to face is too intimidating, sometimes.
I look forward to reading more of your posts!
R

[historyteach]

Welcome Fazia!!!
And I can relate to your post. I've always had more guy friends than girl friends. Never understood why. Doesn't really matter, I guess. Just is. I don't do the shoes, handbags, hair, makeup things and I don't know how to. Just never learned that stuff. LOL!
But, come on in and tell us a bit about yourself. You'll find SR to be a very welcoming place.

Shalom!

[grumpy_b05]

Hi Fazia!

I can also relate. For some reason I have always been able to communicate with guys easier than girls, always had more guy friends. When I joined NA they said to get a woman sponser and it freaked me out. I wonder if this is due to me being a woman and I know the things I have done in my life, and it makes me think don't all women do this?
I have come to learn that this is part of my higher power's plan. He/She gets you out of your comfort zone a little to show you how to blossom and see what you have been missing out on.It's nice finding women who you can lean on, share with, listen to, and know that there are others just like us struggling with the disease of addiction .

Again Welcome and I look forward to seeing you around.

Grumpy

[51anna]

Hi Fazia,

Welcome! I have found absolutely amazing women in the Women's Forum here and I think you'll be glad you've joined us.

[Trina]

Welcome, Fazia!
I'm fairly new to the boards also, but I just wanted to say that since I set my foot into AA, some of the most powerful meetings I have attended have been women's circles. I only go once a week to these meetings (I go to alot of meetings, all the rest are guys and gals), but I have found a level of intimacy, sharing and compassion that isn't always present in other meetings. It is a welcome supplement to my home group, Step Group and other regular open meetings.

[Fazia]

Thank you all so very much for your comments. I have to say that hearing you all share that you have been on this boat brings me great relief.

I wonder if this is due to me being a woman and I know the things I have done in my life, and it makes me think don't all women do this?

This comment by grumpy_b05 really struck a cord in me, it's a thought that has entered my mind in several ways many times before. I think my problem is not so much questioning my ways, but questioning those of others. For me, it's watching women react to things in a manner so different to my nature that it alienates me further. It's then that I ask myself, "what is wrong with me?" And after trying to understand what is going on inside them (and doing so to no avail) I always end up at, "no, what's wrong with you?"
In the past year or year and a half, this issue has been surfacing more and more. So for namommy who said she has become more of a woman I ask, was it always in you?

I look foward to sharing with you all.

[indigo]

Welcome to the women's room, lot's of great women, who offer love and support. I have found women to be very strong here and gentle too you are in good company.

[wolflet]

just adding one more welcome

& asking the questions that came into my head at your thread title.."What IS a woman?...What are you trying hard to be?.."What's your deffinition?".........not trying to put ya on the spot, or play devil's addvocate, just curious.

[namommy]

Originally Posted by Fazia

So for namommy who said she has become more of a woman I ask, was it always in you?

.

It depends on what you call "it".

For me, becoming more of a woman was finding the inner strength that represents women. Being a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. Finding that I do hold some compassion in my heart for others, and finding the strength inside to allow myself to show it. Being strong when it's called for as well as being gentle when needed.

Understanding that just because I don't have a penis doesn't mean I am weak. The only thing a man can do that a woman can't, is pee standing up without getting their legs wet. (and many of them can't accomplish that).

That is not to put down men. It is meant to help us realize that we are equal to men in every way. Yet, we have abilities that men will never have. We withstand great pain and suffering in order to bring life into this world, and patience to nurture that life. We hold sustanance for a child within our bodies, and unconditional love for that life within our hearts.

Being more of a woman allows me to walk with my head held high, proud of the person I have become through recovery, my higher power, and the guidance and understanding that only another woman could have given me.

I love all of my sisters in recovery and in life.

[Little Missy]

Beautiful post ((namommy))!! Thank you for sharing that!!

((Fazia)) Welcome to SR!! I too have always been "just one of the guys". This thread has made me think. I wonder if I surrounded myself with men because they drank more like me and that was a comfort to me. Or was it because I had something they wanted (if you know what I mean) and I could control them with that.

Sobriety has definately brought out a softer side in me. Not near as defensive as I use to be. Starting to like purses, shoes, and even lip stick!! Big shock for me!! LOL Still like sports and won't be giving that up!! Working on the shopping thing, really don't like to shop.

Hey, maybe I'm not a woman after all!?! But I did give birth twice, so I think that makes being a woman a definate!!

Hugs and welcome!!
Missy

[wolflet]

i'm a woman & i can pee standing up without getting my legs wet!, though you have to be kinda naked, drawback that.

[igfan]

Wolflet - I'm impressed, I can't even pee sitting down without getting my legs wet - must be doing something wrong LOL

[ODAT]

When I started recovery I was told "the men will pat your ass, the women will save it" and it was hard at first because I, too, figured that I could relate more to men than I could to women.

Thing is, is that was true in my 'sickness' and it was a big part of why I was sick. In order to recover I had to try and change almost everything I did when I was using--so that meant that because I found it easy to relate to men and didn't trust women at all--that was exactly where I needed to be--with women.

I think now that part of women's disease is mistrust and alienation from other women. In my using days there was always a contest between women...and the carrot was usually the attention of some man. Starting with my father, if I could gain his favour or attention it meant that I was somehow better than my sister or my mother. I don't think this was totally conscious but it was there. In early childhood, I related well to my sister and my mother, but once adolescance set in--well, women were a big threat to me--possibly because they knew when I was lying even before I did--and likely because they were all part of the same game too.

How many times in my using days did I go to the bar with the girlfriend and get dumped because she found a date--or I dumped her because I found a date. Men were much more exciting and thrilling than my women friends were and, yes, it was much more fun to hang out with them and drink and talk bs than it was to hang out with the women and talk bs.

But, recovery isn't like it is out there. Sure, we might talk bs every now and again--but if we are sincere about wanting to recover, then we aren't talking bs. We are talking reality and feelings and we are trying to be honest.

And a woman in recovery is much more likely to know when I'm talking bs than a man is. He will likely buy my sad story about how I wouldn't use if it wasn't for my husband. He will likely blame my hubby for hitting me and offer a nice shoulder for me to cry on--he might say I should leave him--but he is unlikely to tell me to start looking at myself, to start trying to figure out what I'm getting out of the relationship, to question why I enjoy playing the martyr. My women friends will be harder on me, will call me on my crap because they have done the same dance that I did when they were first recovering--and they will understand much more than I want them to understand because they have walked a mile or two in my shoes--or a pair with similar heels.

I think when we first come into recovery we have a huge need to be loved, to find intimacy (not sexual intimacy though often times that can be confused along the way), yet we have an equally huge fear of being betrayed (thus of intimacy), of getting too close to someone...of having someone know us (inside) too well. And, lets face it--when I was out there, if I could get my drug from sleeping with your husband--well, I just might do that and because I would have done that--then I won't trust you because you might have done that too.

Staying with the women makes a lot of sense in so many ways--IF the honest goal is to recover. I figure its something like this--we have a part in us that wants to get healthy and a part that wants to stay sick. So, the healthy part will say "hang with the women, get a woman sponsor, be honest, go to meetings etc etc" and the part of us that wants us to stay sick will say "but, I don't trust women, I understand (am more comfortable with) the men more, be honest to a point :P, and I'm too busy, tired, sick to go to meetings..." And the struggle is always present depending on how healthy we are in any particular momment.

We hear others say that there are many good women in recovery and part of us is interested and part of us thinks "yeah, right...she's no better than me"--which is part of the point. The fact of the matter is that there ARE many good women in the programs--and you are most likely one of them--you just don't know it yet.

[namommy]

I look back at my recovery. Early on, I hung out with the men. I had no relationships with females other than the one that I was starting to build with my sponsor. She saw it for what it was, and put me under direction to call ONLY women, and hang out with ONLY women. It was hard at first, I was uncomfortable.

Today, I find myself feeling uncomfortable having a close relationship with a male (that is not my husband). I have male homegroup members who call and want to talk (that's what we feel a homegroup is about) and I have a hard time opening up to them. Put me in a room full of recovering women, and you can't shut me up.

Talk about coming a long way.

[spork]

It's interesting to read a little bit of what our impressions of being a woman are - and sad to read how they are shaped by media/popular culture.

I don't define woman as being "one who shops, wears makeup, and acts silly and flirty."

The most wonderful, inspiring women I know are women who aren't afraid to love their families, their friends, and their communities. They are smart, funny, kind, and open. They do amazing things for others, every single day.

I'm a little different as a female alcoholic - I always had close women friends, so it wasn't a jolt for me to be told to stick with the women in early recovery.

Fazia - be the woman you are - and don't let anyone else define that for you. This is a great place to start figuring some of this stuff out. I'd also recommend the book "A Woman's Way Through the 12 Steps" by Stephanie Covington. (it's not AA sanctioned). The sponsor I had at 6 years sober gave me a copy, and it helped me immeasurably with some of the issues I was having in AA. AA is a great program, but it was written by men, for men and there are issues that are different for women - at least in my opinion.

Welcome!

[namommy]

Spork,
Thanks for reminding me.
There is a daily meditation book for recovering women. I believe it's "Each day a new beginning". Someone correct me if I'm wrong. (I lost my copy a while ago, so I am not certain of the name)

[Chy]

Welcome Fazia!

I sure understand your first post. I've felt the same for most of my life. Never really had gal pal friends to shop, lunch, or kick around with. This place has given me the courage to pursue female relationships and though I have a couple of ladies I can call friends it's still difficult for me. Truth be told, I'm a home body when not working, going to school, playing here, I'm content with my family. But SR has afforded me some very dear female friends I've come to cherish, one in particular who is the closest I've ever had to a best friend. Our backgrounds parallel each other so much I look forward to the day I finally get to meet her live in person. For me that is not only a huge feeling of joy of having a real girl friend but a contentment that I know she's always there at the end of cyber or the phone when we both aren't isolating *LOL*. It's also given me the courage to force myself to get out more with ladies and enjoy being me with them. So stick around, keep posting, this site is full of spectacular women to befriend!

[spork]

Originally Posted by namommy

Spork,
Thanks for reminding me.
There is a daily meditation book for recovering women. I believe it's "Each day a new beginning". Someone correct me if I'm wrong. (I lost my copy a while ago, so I am not certain of the name)

I think you're right, namommy - I gave my copy to a sponsee a while back.

[namommy]

OK, now I'm inspired to take a trip to Barnes & Noble.

[ruby]

Hi

wow I am finding all kinds of threads here I do not like being around woman that much I am married with kids but I was very hurt and abused by my mother and sexuall abuse by her tricks I have never had a best friend before I wrote a book called Memories of An addict's child she did at 24 and I was 10 the book can help alot of people the stories are unbelivable please go to www.authorhouse.com then click on book store type the book title or author name marlisha skaggs you also can go to www.barnsandnoble.com look for memories of an addict's child author marlisha skaggs I have been so scared by woman I don't trust and then I don't try to make friends I promised my self once the book was out I was going to start finding at less one woman friend but for now my husband is my best friend I love him very much, he has helped me so much I will meditate that you feel wonderful and make more friends also.

[bahookie]

This thread surprised me!
As with most things, I thought this was only me

I've not had a shortage of female friends up till recently.
I had 3 best friends. One is steadily drinking herself to death, one wanted more than friendship, but luckily one is still his lovely self. It's the two women I lost.

I've always found it hard to fit in with women around me who are interested in celebrities I've never heard of, make-up, clothes, shopping... etc. At the school gates it was hard to drift into conversations because I was totally miserable, and I didn't really care which car who drives and who gets an extension to their house.

Guys are easy to talk to because it's mostly surface stuff. I'm surrounded by guys who either just want me to be one of the guys or are hoping for some mention of lesbian life so they can letch over it.

I've found a good friend here, in these forums. Wish she didn't live so far away though!

Jane
xxx

[jensails]

Fazia,
After months of just reading posts you have inspired me to join and respond. I too felt the same as a lot of the women here have shared. I was always closer to men, but as my recovery progressed, and I changed the women have