Feeling Overwhelmed

[grumpy_b05]

Hello Ladies!

I am feeling a little overwhelmed in my life right now and just want to talk. I will have 90 days clean from drugs and alcohol tomorrow and that feels good. Don't get me wrong,I think about using alot but just take it one day at a time.
I have this amazing husband who is also on this wonderful journey with me, and we have four beautiful children ages 8, 6, 3, and four months. My husband works and I stay home with the kids. I have let my meeting attendance slack greatly because I start to feel guilty about leaving them with others all the time. And heaven forbid I ask my husband to watch them cause he works all day and is probably really tierd so he should be the one to go to the meeting. So needless to say he goes pretty regularly and he also has this amazing sponsor who is there for him always. They go out to dinner once a week and have great talks. Which I am greatful that his program is going so well, we just found out he is Bipolar.
We also are very fortunate to have our famlies close to us, but right now theyare making me crazy. Our parents both have projects going on in there homes to finish there basements. I have been designated the cleaning lady, which I have no problem doing. The only issue I have is I am expected to clean there homes while trying to entertain my four children. They also like to fight about how much time we spend with the others family and not with them. Pretty much the typical family crap.
To make a really long story short . . . I feel I have no time for me! Maybe it's not overwhlemed I feel, but self pity? I don't know, I just no I feel like I could blow up, cry histerically, scream, pull my hair out, or run away at any moment. And maybe what I need is a friendly person to put there arms around me, give me a big hug and say everything will be o.k.!

Thanks for listening to me!

[historyteach]

(((Grumpy))))
Everything will be ok!!!
Keep working one day at a time.
But, do make time for your meetings too! Set up a schedule where you can go X times a week -- whatever you can manage -- but that time is YOURS alone! Nothing short of a major disaster can change your time. And you should be as firm as possible about that.
I know when I was in school; working; husband; child; house; dog; stepkids...I took Friday afternoon and evening for myself only. That was enough for me.
You take whatever YOU need. And btw, if you can clean your parents and in laws houses, they can take the kids while you go to a meeting and get yourself a sponsor. Afterall, who is going to clean their house if, G*D forbid, you relapse?
Be good to you too! You are worth it.

Shalom!

[51anna]

Hi Grumpy,

My children are grown now, but when they were growing up I was the Mom who was always there for everyone, all the time. That was long before I began drinking, and I thought it was what I should do. I so regret not thinking that I was worth taking care of too. Anyone else would be taken care of by me, but not myself. The end result was depression, which led to drinking.

Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to look after you. You are worth it and you need it.

[KelKel]

Hi Grumpy...
My lord woman no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed... 8-6-3 and 4 months!
That is a full time job with a ton of overtime...
Make time for you.... split time with your husband to go to meetings... You are BOTH working full-time.
Can your family be designated sitters since you are designated cleaning lady?
I am so thankful for your 90 days... cherish it and yourself enough to take care of you...
I am glad you are here, I think you will like it around here.
Happy Turkey Day!

[Rowan]

Hi Grumpy! That name could apply to me too! lol
I echo what the other ladies have said: you work full time also, and we know whose job is harder! The guilt is understandable; as a mom I feel like I'm not being responsible if I'm leaving my kids with someone while I do something for myself. It's time to change that way of thinking! Do you have a sponsor? Is it possible for her to come to your house for coffee? I know that your kids will be there but at least another adult would be present. I'm glad that you have such a supportive family, just make sure you are getting what you need also. Clean house and watch four kids? I don't think so! Keep posting in here in the meantime there are some terrific ladies with awesome advice. Congratulations on your clean time, very proud of you!
Love Rowan

[BlueMoon]

Ya know - it sounds to me like you really DON'T have any time for yourself! From your post, I think it IS getting overwhelming, I don't think it's self-pity at all. You may not leave the house and go to the office (or wherever!), but hon, you ARE working your butt off!

I got to spend time at my son + dil's house for turkey day. They have 4 girls (1yo - 7yo). Son + DIL make it almost look easy - but I know that both of them are worn to a frazzle most of the time. 4 kids ARE alot of work!!! That's just kind of a fact of life.

WHY is asking hubby to watch the kids for 90 minutes so YOU can catch a meeting, an imposition??? You + he are PARTNERS, a TEAM - etc etc. If one of the team is feeling overwhelmed, the other member of the team should be there to *help*. Or - to put a different slant on it since he's in recovery as well --> seems like it'd be Service Work for him to watch the kiddies. One alcoholic helping another. (I'm very serious.)

Someone else suggested the g-parents watch the kids for a bit in exchange for the cleaning you do.
I think that sounds like an EXCELLENT idea! You cleaning IS a valuable service There's nothing wrong for asking for something in return. And NO! it would NOT be them doing you a favor!
It's trading a service for a service.

Are there any meetings in your area that offer child care? If yes, DO NOT feel guilty about having to take *4* kids there! Situations like yours are WHY there ARE meetings with child care.

Your last paragraph makes me wanna say "You NEED a meeting! sooo - I said it!
Sounds like you are taking care of everyone in your life BUT YOURSELF. Take care of YOURSELF! BEFORE you crack. You can't stay sober by osmosis. (I tried. Didn't work.)

Congrats on the 90 days!!!
I'm PROUD of you! It's not easy, it IS worth it!

Blessings,
Blue

[grumpy_b05]

Thank you all so very much! You are all awesome people and I can't wait to get toknow you better. It's so great to have a special place to come and vent, cry, yell, or even feel sorry for yourself and no one will judge you.
Thank you for adding some peace to my life! I hope all is well in yours!

Hugs and laughter,

Grumpy

[grumpy_b05]

Oh . . forgot to mention I have been able to go to two meetings scince I posted and they were GREAT and very much needed!!!

Thanks again!

Grumpy

[KelKel]

Good to see you are laughing Grumpy....
two meeting.. awesome

[Rowan]

Two meetings? Excellent. Glad you're feeling a little lighter
R

[BeginAgain]

Hi grumpy,
I just wanted to tell you I can relate so much to your story. I only have two kids (14 & 5) - well three if you count the husband (42 going on 2).

I also wanted to tell you that September 2004 I would have had 11 years clean. WOULD HAVE being the key. I became so overwhelmed and self-sacrificing that I stopped making time for me. The world revolved around everyone and everything else. Don't get me wrong - my relapse was a choice - I'd certainly been given plenty of tools over the years and I know that carving out some time for ME and my program, my friends, my hobbies and my sanity would have made all the difference. But I didn't - I stuffed it . I carried the resentment and frustration inside me like a big ticking time bomb. It came to the point where leaving to go to work was like a vacation and something I really looked forward to every day - just so I could have some down time and quiet. That's pretty bad because I have a very high power demanding job...but it didn't seem as bad as being at home.

I injured myself at work in August 2004. Long story short I was prescribed pain medication. I've taken it once before in recovery when I had surgery - I didn't have a problem then - took it for two days and flushed the rest. Perhaps the level of self sacrifice and frustration has not reached the boiling point then. At any rate - this time was different. In just a few days I crossed over the line from medically necessary pain relief to numb it all and forget it. I was off to the races.

It took over a year for me to make it back. In September of this year I finally did stop. I can't even tell you exactly when I crossed the line with my using, I just know I woke up one morning and realized I did...but by then I was in so deep I didn't care anymore and I couldn't see a way out. The next year was filled with nothing but personal insanity. The shame, pain, fear, guilt, anger, self loathing, lies, fear..it all kept me trapped. I told myself a million times - today is the day, I'll taper, one more refill, I'm stopping, I'm going back to NA....not until I was spiritually and emotionally bankrupt and desperate did I finally reach another bottom.

I still struggle today. My nature is to give give give and take the crumbs that are thrown my direction from time to time. I'm working on it. I'm not perfect and I still have a tendency to fall back into that old behavior. But today I'm conscious of the danger and I'm working really hard at taking what I need - even if it imposes on what someone else needs or wants. Every day is a struggle now - staying clean isn't easy. I just want to numb the fellings and get rid of the shame - but I know it's not the answer. Like my signature says below - Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results. I don't want to be insane anymore.

Today I do things for myself. I read thes boards and share, I go to a meeting every week - atleast one, I go to therapy every Tuesday morning, I slow down long enough to eat when I'm hungry and rest when I'm tired, I say no when I feel like I can't give anymore, I get 1 hour every night to read or write or just watch something on TV - I stand up for myself a little more. It's a start. It's hard but I find that just starting by doing little things for myself makes all the difference in how I feel. I must build enough self-esteem to realize I AM WORTH IT. Sometimes I buy myself flowers, have may nails done, take a nap, take a long bath..anything that's good for me. I'm starting to love myself again.

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone and it's good that you are starting to do for yourself again. It makes all the difference in the world. God bless & I'm here if you ever want to talk or share.

[Little Missy]

((Grumpy)) I feel for ya!! I am a mother of 2 and work full time. It is very hard at times to juggle everything. My in-laws have been great. They watch the kids twice a week while I go to AA and hubby goes to al-anon. Then he goes to an open AA meeting with me the other day. It has worked out wonderfully for us. The same two days every week.

Maybe you could split the time between each of your parents. Your husband must know how important meetings are, he shouldn't be the only one to benefit from them. Glad you made 2!! That is fantastic!!

Keep up the good work!! Life can be crazy, but it's alot better sober!!
Hugs,
Missy

[BlueMoon]

not to hijack the thread - but -

BeginAgain ---> THANK YOU for your post!
I seriously needed to hear that this morning - I need to wake the frig up and realize how close I'm LETTING MYSELF get to a relapse. I'll have 14 yrs in Feb. - I need to stop letting myself just ride on that number and get my a$$ working a program.
I am SOOO proud of you!

**hugs**
Blue

[grumpy_b05]

Thank you to all who have posted. Today is a great day to be free!!!

Blue moon - I don't mind sharing. It's all about us helping each other!


Grumpy

[Rowan]

BeginAgain,
Thank you thank you thank for sharing your ESH I'm sorry that you relapsed and how painful the last year has been for you, but I am so grateful that you made it back. Not only for you, and for your family, but for the countless alcoholics and addicts that your story will reach as you continue to share it. Thank you for carrying the message.
Love Rowan