helpl me out here...

[staywithit]

Girls,
I need serious help here. I've been in recovery for 25+ yrs. that's the pathetic part. i love those steps. they've saved my life. Divorced my H after 21 yrs. of marriage, 3 yrs. ago. he was not supportive, did not make any attempts to try to be, was not interested in building a better relationship, workaholic, and i mean workaholic! we have 3 children, great kids. we had nothing to share or talk about other than kids and money. there was no intimacy, no friendship. it was eating away at me like a cancer. i asked him for a divorce. while seperated from him, i met a man who had been in recovery. he'd been sober for 9 yrs. we were best of friends for a long while before we got really invovled. i fell head over heels. my brain turned to mush. i've never had a mushed brain like that before. it scared the hell out of me, and put a lot of distance between us. i didn't want to end up in a train wreck. i like slow. he chased me down like i can't tell you. love you baby, love you baby, love you baby. i couldn't go so fast. i found out he was drinking. he started calling drunk. since then i've had to watch him go down the tube. lots of suicide threats, lots of bazaar sexual things going on with him, he'd call drunk saying the most god-awful things. i cut him off. told him to sober up. i almost went down with him. ALMOST. uppped my mtg. attendance, took great advice from very concerned people in AA. everyone prayed for him. i know i love him, i've always known that. the more he drank the more bazaar his behavior got. that's how it goes we all know. i wasn't too good myself just knowing what all he must've been "up to", even though i was not seeing him. he got meaner and meaner. my tire got cut, felt pretty certain my job would be threatened, he told people i work with horrendous things about me, things only he & i had talked about, and some he just made up and expanded. after 3 long yrs. of HELL, he has stopped drinking. he has not drank for 3 months. but he is not attending AA. he's by God tuff enough to do this on his own and doesn't need it. he's acting no different than he was drunk. i know, dry drunk. he doesn't seem to be able to put it together. he thinks everyone is picking on him. he's mean, talks to people like they are dogs, and flirts with any breathing female in site. he has a older "lady friend" who gives him Victoria Secret magazines who he just adores he says. they are as tight as two twisted rubber bands, she calles him "her husband" in my presence and she's been married for yrs. her husband is out of the country working. he has drawers full of magazines, and i found a pile of condoms in there too, and we've never used them. and he wants to know why i don't do all this for him? he's called me every rotten name you could come up with. i tried to talk to him about some of this, and he would not. refused. just said, "if you can't trust me, then you can't love me." WTF?? yes, it's possible to love someone you can't trust. i left. then i sent him an e-mail saying that i could not stand hatefulness and revenge and sick twisted **** in my life. don't want that with anyone. i'd rather die alone. i'm not kidding. he sent back to me telling me that I AM THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM, I AM WEAK. I HAVE NO FRIENDS, EXCEPT ONE (he's talking about a long time best friend of mine who has stood up to him a time or two.) AND HE DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HER AND NEVER HAS. and bla, bla, bla. and he has no problem. it was sick and rotten. i have not spoke to him since, and don't know if i ever care to again as long as i breathe air. this older "lady friend" of his crosses my path from time to time, and she smarts off to me like an idiot. i don't care about that. it's just pathetic. now he's sending e-mail. says his daughters will not speak to him, b/c they are very pissed off at him. he did not say why or what happened. i don't know. they are 2 really lovely girls. they really are. they are 17 & 22. very very smart and lovely young ladies. much to be very proud of. someone raised these 2 girls well. he is hurt, and says he does not understand what he's done or said wrong. does not feel like stopping drinking was worth it. he's just billigerant with everyone, and sexually bazaar with others. he's a dry drunk from hell, and you cannot tell him anything right now. he'll fight you to the bitter end. and winning means everything to him!!!! my motto for him now is pretty much this, "don't go near the flame if you don't want to get burned." he has no clue what he's doing to others. no clue. i am compassionate, but do not care to over indulge myself in all his ****. i am very upset for his daughters, and hate to see him put himself down the toilet like this. i care what happens to him, and he is very loved by all of us. always has been. where would you go from here??? i'm very torn. if he'd go to AA, all these things would resolve themselves eventually. eventually he could enjoy life, with himself, and all those who love him. he has stuck his heels in concrete. at this point he's just shooting himself in the foot over and over and over again. how crippled does one have to get before they find the right pair of crutches??? my god. yes, i go to Ala-non, and yes i pray for him everyday. every guy i've taken advice from in AA with long time soberity has told me to cut him out of my life completely, and let him learn it the hard stubborn way. they are not very tolerant of my "helping" him. it's a hard fine line. please give advice. i'm begging for it. it's very very hard.

[bikewench]

Hey Stay...

I'd have to say that your guy is a sex addict as well as an alcoholic and could be a few other things as well...

I see your taking things event by event.. trying to find the reason in each...
I'm pretty sure your never going to find any reason in anything he does because he is in his disease... and getting all wrapped up in it and over invested and involved is only feeding it.

This man sounds like he's pretty much outa control.. and there's some very dyfunctional stuff going on with that other woman...
if they aren't gettin it on... I'd be surprised.

Anyway..
I have learned that the amount of pain I feel is directly related to how much importance I attach to something.
rather than obsessing over what he is doing.. why not find the reasoning behind your own thinking...
something that's achievable...;o)
he's gonna do what he's gonna do...
just don't let him take you down with him.

saying a prayer for clarity of thought for you... and self realization.

[51anna]

Yes, Bikewench is exactly right. While you are searching for reasons as to why he is behaving as he is, you need to look at why you are acting the way you are. You need to ask yourself why you are putting up with treatment that clearly upsets you. It sounds like he has a lot of problems and a long way to go and it seems like the best thing for you to do would be to find your own way. If he changes, then you can deal with that at the time. In the meantime, take care of yourself.

[CarolD]

Dump the jerk.

From another AA old timer...

[Feather1207]

HI

Quote from a wall at alanon a LOOOOOONNNNNNNG TIME AGO

"Those who accept the unacceptable are to that extent responsible for it"

Keep educating yourself, stay close to those you know will help like the good folks here.

I hope you find the strength and hope you need! One Day At A Time!

[staywithit]

Thanks girls. i get the same answer every single time i ask. it don't come easy. his life just seems worth so much more than trashed, to me. it's like loosing someone to the hallocaust. i swear. i told my dad before he died 12 yrs. ago after 13 yrs. of soberity, that "my prayer is to be able to get out of bed one day and not have a heart". wouldn't life be easier without one sometimes??? i know what direction i want my life to go. there is not a doubt in my mind. and it ain't in this direction. that's a dark yucky life, a life i don't want. those who do, can have it.
sex addict (or compulsion, which ever one prefers to call it, the behavior is the same)...
i went there once, and the result was not pretty. cut tire. don't think i'll ever mention that one again. he does not understand it. people with long term soberity, understand it's FANGS all too well. for some, it's a dual recovery. but for so many i've seen 4 minutes turn into 4 hours, turn into 4 days, 4 days turn into 4 months, and 4 months turn into 4 years, you get the picture. there's hope and help. no man's an island. my 71 y/o "alanon oriented mother" for 31 yrs. and is strong, courageous, kind, and loving, and understands all of this and lives life to the fullest in many aspects besides just recovery, is here for 10 days over Thanksgiving. i'm on vacation and i'd like to enjoy her and my 3 children. you know, movies, cards, food, long walks together, doing each other's toenails, hugs & kisses, and all those great promises one will find, if they do the work. that's the part I LOVE!! Thanks so much for your quick responses. i never stop being amazed by you people! Have a great Thanksgiving, and please pray for him. he too still suffers.

[Jennifer_JJ_Jen]

I knoe part of the reason my husbad and I are getting a divorce is because he willnot stay clean, and in order for me to get our son back it was something I had to decide for myself, I know its hard to do but do what you believe is best for you

[MamaGoose]

Hi staywithit!
This was posted on the Nar-Anon forum. I saved it because I have been where you are and I'd rather be alone at this point in my life. Hope it helps.
MamaGoose

When does the pain stop?
The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person
you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best
friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even
the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a
circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you
try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the
stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when
it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a
desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel
cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where
the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you
can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their
presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause
more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and
stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a
stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to
feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover
whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before,
and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see,
and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty
or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start
replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who
you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept
that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you
promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish
the kindness in your heart.

The Pain Stops: when you are ready .